Jessica Simpson broke a cardinal rule of dating – never ask a guy to indulge in dress up or any other kind of kinky role play outside of the bedroom.

Worse still, never talk about your bizarre and rather scary sexual peccadilloes in front of his mates.

Jessica is now a single lady. A lady who has been photographed by her local gym getting her sexy back, rather than doing as even her own fans were expecting – and burying herself in mountain of sugary treats. The singer broke up with her sports star boyfriend Tony Romo on July 9, ending a two-year relationship. By all accounts, she also ended two years of crazy-ass-ness and clingy behaviour.

There are several things that are going to push even the nicest guy to the edge. Pinching his cheeks and calling him by his pet name anywhere outside of the confines of whichever room of the house is used for nooky. Being clingy, needy and not letting him have any breathing room. Oh, and the final straw that broke this celebrity camel’s back – asking your adult partner to dress as the Ken to your 29-year-old Barbie for an upcoming birthday party. A party attended by any other people with two working eyes.

A source delighted in telling American tabloid The National Enquirer about what an awful human being Jessica is – just because she is in some form of arrested development. She’s a cutie. A rich cutie at that. She’s spent nearly half of her life as a working recording artist. So, the thought occurs that no one around her is going to bite the hand that feeds them and point out her cerebral shortcomings.

For example, this weekend, the singer Twittered “Is ‘asks’ even a word? If not, sorry 4 my layziness with grammar.” Yes. Wow. But seriously, how many people do you think would have bothered twittering back to correct her. If they could Twitter her a crash helmet to make sure she wouldn’t fall and hurt herself, I’m quite sure they would have. 140 characters of encouragement and cuddles is probably all she got after that gem.

The Barbie party she twittered about on July 12th never happened. She said in a message “barbie party didn’t happen, but i turned 29 and feel like i am on top of the world yelling I LOVE GETTING OLDER”.

Yes, this is a woman who has achieved many things in life. Except a circle of people around her who will be so kind as to alert her to the flaws in her Barbie pink plans.

“Jessica, a supposedly mature 29-year-old woman, kept flitting around her Dallas Cowboys super-jock squealing like a little girl, saying, ‘It’ll be so much fun, honey. All my friends are coming, and we’ll all be dressed up like dolls. And you’ll be my ken!’” a source told American tabloid the National Enquirer.

A bit of friendly advice, from one clueless woman wondering through the world with her blinkers on to another: A man with all of his grey matter is not going to be happy about this. His friends will mock him until the end of time. Judgement Day and the Terminators will come, not even Christian Bale will be able to save us by punching them all in the face… and his mates will still be ribbing him about the time his Mrs. made him don a wig and primary-coloured basics.

“Jess totally missed what any woman with half a brain could see — Tony was rolling his eyes like he desperately wanted timeout. There was no way Tony was going to dress up like a Ken doll. He never would have lived it down. His teammates would have roasted him to death.”

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Amy Grindhouse

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Here’s a recap – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up, and Tony has banned Jessica from his house.

Pretty humiliating, huh? Still, at least that’s as bad as things can get for Jessica Simpson, right? Because, come on, it’s not as if Jessica Simpson had spent months preparing to launch a new perfume inspired by her deep love for Tony Romo, is it? And it’s not like she was going to call it anything as retrospectively stupid as Fancy Love. Only a genuine idiot would do a thing as dumb as that.

What? Why has everyone gone quiet? Oh.

We’re just going to come right out and say this – this mess over the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split needs to end now. It’s been dragging on for so long that it’s actually starting to make us feel a little bit sorry for Jessica Simpson, and that won’t do. Can you imagine what it’s like to go to bed at night knowing that you’ve spent a portion of your day, however small, actually sympathising with Jessica Simpson? It’s disgusting. It makes us feel sick. And yet we can’t help it.

It’s not the fact that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up – because, let’s be honest, it’s been on the cards. And it’s not because the split has been blamed on Jessica Simpson’s father – because, let’s face it, if you drew up a list of all the bad things that had ever happened to planet Earth in its entire lifetime, probably about 75% of them could be attributed in some way to Joe Simpson.

It’s not even that Tony Romo felt the need to literally put a sign on his front door saying ‘No Jessica Simpson Allowed‘ or the slightly terrifying vigour in which Jessica Simpson has embraced dieting in the wake of the split. No, it’s much worse than that.

Jessica Simpson has just launched a perfume called Fancy Love that was inspired by her love for Tony Romo. Ouch. The LA Times reports:

Here’s the latest sign that Jessica Simpson still has her mind on Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. She unveiled a new fragrance called “Fancy Love,” which was inspired by her past love. Vince Camuto, chief executive of Camuto Group, which holds the license for Simpson’s brands, told People: “Jessica loves the feeling of being in love. She’s a romantic girl.”

That’s bad. That’s just about as bad as you can get, in fact. At least if Jessica Simpson had got a full-back tattoo reading ‘I Love Romo’, she could have covered it up or altered it to read ‘I Love Romola Garai, Specifically Her Work In Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights Which Personally I Felt Was Somewhat Underrated’.

But launching a perfume? Called Fancy Love? That was inspired by your love for Tony Romo? A fortnight after he dumped you? And banned you from his house? On the day before your 29th birthday? Which probably makes you too old to ever find meaningful love ever again? Wow.

Congratulations, Jessica Simpson – you’ve won our sympathy. And that’s why we’d like to offer our services. We’re willing to buy the entire global stock of Fancy Love from you, Jessica Simpson, and we’ll help you decant it into less emotionally painful packaging, simply because your story has tugged at our heartstrings.

True, we’re stipulating that you have to rename the perfume Lonely Old Spinster, but that hardly matters. Get in touch.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter here

Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.

But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.

So great work, Jessica. Almost there.

You know what we like to we when we’ve been dumped? We like to crap in their shoes and then sit in their front garden for week, crying and cutting ourselves and wailing “WHY? Why won’t you LOVE ME?” Also, we like to go on a berserk, unsustainable diet and exercise regime because it’s easier to blame the break-up of a relationship on excess fat than the fact that we’re essentially dull and unpleasant people to be around. So, hey, at least we’ve got something in common with Jessica Simpson in that respect.

You may remember that Jessica Simpson split up with her boyfriend Tony Romo recently. Well, the good news is that Jessica is determined to show Tony Romo what he’s missing. And while she’s at it, she’s going to show all those people who called her fat what they’re missing, too. In fact, Jessica Simpson is going to show everyone! She’ll prove the WHOLE WORLD wrong. Except, you know, not the parts of the world that say that she isn’t very good at singing or acting. She’s only losing a bit of weight. Jeez.

Actually, we take that back. Jessica Simpson isn’t just losing a bit of weight. Jessica Simpson’s going on a REVENGE DIET! Whatever one of those is. OK! explains:

“Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,’” a friend of the singer reveals. “She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.” And the results are already starting to show — Jessica dropped 10 pounds in just the first 10 days of working out! “She doesn’t want to give anyone more reason to not take her seriously,” explains the pal. “She’s tired of weight being a talking point.”

OK, great. Jessica Simpson is tired of weight being a talking point. That’s a perfectly valid thing to say. After all, dramatically losing the equivalent of 30 human kidneys in weight in little over a week is absolutely going to stop people talking about her weight. Apart from this article. And the cover story of OK! magazine. And God knows what else.

And it’s only a bit of weight. It’s not as if Jessica Simpson has just signed a contract to produce and host an entire television series dedicated to using weight as a talking point, is it? What? It is? Oh well, at least now it’ll be a show where the viewers won’t be able to identify with the host in the slightest. And isn’t that the best type of show?

Still, we can’t help feeling that Jessica Simpson has an ulterior motive here. Maybe she’s losing this weight because she plans to get naked in a movie soon. Or maybe she’s teetering on the brink of an eating disorder. It doesn’t really matter – whichever one it is, someone’s probably going to end up vomiting.

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Why did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up? There are countless possible reasons, too many to list.

But only one of them is hilarious. So let’s go with that. Reports are suggesting that Tomy Romo ran away from Jessica Simpson because of her meddling, breast-fixated father, Joe Simpson. Apparently one of the factors for the split was Joe’s insistence on giving Tony endless advice about how to do his job properly.

It’s such a waste, especially when poor old Pete Wentz is crying out for advice about how to write better songs. And what a decent haircut looks like.

Everybody needs a father like Joe Simpson. That’s scientific fact. Without a Joe Simpson by your side, you’d probably end up stumbling through life making bad decision after bad decision and getting absolutely nowhere.

But with a Joe Simpson by your side, the world is your oyster. Need to turn your marriage to a boyband star into an MTV reality show that’ll make everyone question the integrity of the union and ultimately lead to a messy public divorce? Joe Simpson’s your man. Need to carve yourself a movie career that’ll inevitably crash to a standstill in a flurry of direct-to-DVD releases and one of the worst-performing movies ever made? Joe Simpson’s your man. Want a string of boyfriends who’ll never commit as much as you’d like them to because of your creepy overbearing father constantly breathing down their necks? Joe Simpson is definitely your man.

Because, even though the official reason given for the recent Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split was that their schedules keep them apart too much, some sources are saying that it’s all down to Old Man Simpson and his meddlin’ ways. Fox reports:

“At one point Joe was even giving Tony football advice which doesn’t go down well,” said an insider. “Tony was a football superstar before he got mixed up in Hollywood, this move will be probably be good at least for his career.”

It doesn’t seem completely fair to lay the break-up of Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo completely at Joe Simpson’s door, though, does it? There could be hundreds of other factors involved – like, say, the way that Jessica Simpson looked quite fat in that pair of trousers that one time, or the way that Jessica Simpson wouldn’t shut up about how fat she looked in those trousers the one time she wore them, or the way that Jessica Simpson got so bloody obsessed with how she sodding looked in those arseing trousers that she ended up making a TV show about the pissing things.

But, admit it, the Joe Simpson story does have an air of plausibility to it. After all, Jessica Simpson is daddy’s little girl – and nobody will ever give her the loving that he does.

No, not like that.

OK, a bit like that. Ugh.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If you like women with an uncomfortable obsession with their own body image, or sport or whatever, look away now.

Because Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo – the leading proponents of those two things – have split up. But wait, it gets worse – according to reports, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the day before her 29th birthday. That doesn’t seem like a particularly nice thing to do, does it?

But wait, it gets even worse – Jessica Simpson never even got the opportunity to shill out her relationship with Tony Romo in a badly-made, ethically-questionable MTV reality show. That’s the real tragedy here.

Between the age of 29 and 30, a woman tends to go on one of the most magical journeys of her entire life. Sure, on her 29th birthday she might be the same girlish optimist you met and fell in love with, but over the next 365 days she’ll incrementally transform into a beautiful womanly butterfly. A butterfly who spends four hours every morning pulling at her face in the bathroom mirror like it’s a lump of foccacia dough while complaining about how old she’s suddenly got, sure, but a butterfly nonetheless.

And Tony Romo, we’re sad to say, isn’t going to see Jessica Simpson go through any of that.

This is because on the eve of her 29th birthday, Tony Romo decided to dump Jessica Simpson. We don’t know why this is – although possible reasons include the fact that Tony Romo could often be seen partying without Jessica Simpson and the fact that the most profound conversation that either of them ever had with each other was a 12-second monosyllabic exchange about a potato – so let’s allow the New York Daily News to fill things in for us:

“She is heartbroken,” says a source. “She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways.” … Although a suddenly single Simpson may be heartbroken, the singer is staying positive. “Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you,” she tweeted.

We hate to pull you up here in this time of sadness, Jessica, but hope doesn’t actually float. Hope is an abstract emotional concept. We think you’ve got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’. Yes. Yes, you’ve definitely got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’.

Anyway, we wouldn’t recommend that any of you lose sleep about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split – they’ve parted ways before, remember, just before Ashlee Simpson got married to Pete Wentz, and ended up back in each other’s arms. Maybe all they need to push them together again is for someone else to give their baby a tragically awful name, because that seems to work.

So that’s why, if you’re expecting to give birth within the next week or so, please call your child something that’ll get them beaten up for the rest of their lives. Something like Gustav Vagina-Mouth. or Archibald Shitwhistle. Or Cunnilingus McHerpes. Please. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo need you more than ever.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don't really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.

Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.

Jessica Simpson doesn't have a whole lot going for her at the moment. Her reality TV show career crumbled around the same time that her marriage to Nick Lachey did, her movie career will live or die depending on how soon she's prepared to bite the bullet and slap her hooters out and musically she's been reduced to releasing Come On Over, a opportunistic country single that we presume to be about Bukkake. Even her rubbish sister is more famous than she is now.

But one thing Jessica Simpson does have is Tony Romo. She has him no matter what, because he sees the real Jessica Simpson. It doesn't matter how many curses Jessica puts on Tony's sporting career, how noxious Jessica's piss gets or how many times Tony tries to actively split up with Jessica in public forever – Jessica Simpson isn't going to let go of him, no matter how hard he tries to wriggle away.

And this glorious devotion was on prominent display when Jessica Simpson visited The View recently. Perhaps aware that her jaw is now growing exponentially in proportion to the rest of her face, the View ladies asked Jessica if she had any plans to lock Tony down as a husband before the jaw got so unwieldy that it started to upset her centre of gravity. We're paraphrasing.

Anyway, here's how Jessica Simpson answered:

"You know, we're still together. We've been together seven, almost eight months now, and I don't really know about wedding bells. But I still love him, and I'm still with him — and that's pretty good sign!"

So that relentless stream of reports about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo splitting up must be a dirty sack of lies, then. Still, even if they are still together Jessica Simpson must know only too well that 'I'm still with him and that's a pretty good sign' is nowhere near good enough. Who'll give her a reality TV show with that sort of inconclusive relationship status? Nobody, that's who.

If Jessica Simpson is serious about this relationship, she knows what she'll have to do – lie about her contraception and hope that the ensuing pregnancy will coax Tony Romo into a shame-based marriage proposal. Shotgun weddings are the Simpson family way, after all.

It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

People always want what they can’t have, don’t they? Look at Jessica Simpson – she’s desperate for all the things she can’t have, like a regular-shaped jawbone and a voice that doesn’t make her cry with shame whenever she hears it.

She’s got plenty, like a Dad-pleasing rack and a lovely athletic boyfriend, but that means nothing. Especially when Ashlee Simpson keeps rubbing her dirty-looking emo husband from a rubbish band under Jessica’s nose. That’s why, if rumours in the National Enquirer are to be believed, Jessica Simpson went out and slept with the world’s dirtiest-looking emo from the world’s rubbishest band – Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars – while she was still with Tony Romo.

If the rumours are true, then they seem to prove two key facts about Jessica Simpson – firstly that she just loves those boys with four-letter consonant vowel consonant vowel surnames, and secondly that she enjoys jeopardising relationships with nice young men by having quick bunk-ups with grubby blokes who look quite smelly, like the Jackass boys who Jessica allegedly slept with during her marriage to Nick Lachey.

But don’t get too excited about the imminent prospect of a mentally-scarring Simpson/Leto sex tape, because Jared Leto’s manager has denied that any of it happened. And, just to prove how strong they are, Jessica Simpson has been seen out eating giant hunks of meat with Tony Romo, as OK! reports:

The on-again-off-again twosome holed themselves up in a corner booth at N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas’ Victory Park on Saturday, the Dallas Morning News reports. Enjoying a hearty meal of steak (her) and burger (him), Tony and Jess kept to themselves, but did acknowledge Tony’s teammate, Isaiah Stanback, a receiver/kick returner, who was also at the establishment with his parents.

So, it looks like after splitting up with him and the possibly getting back together with him, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely back on.* Hooray!

And, better than that, Jessica Simpson didn’t have sex with Jared Leto! That’s good news for all kinds of reasons – mainly because the thought of Jared Leto’s naked pasty emo body makes us feel physically ill, but partly because if it was true, Ashlee Simpson would have to retaliate by sleeping with someone more rubbish and unconvincingly emo to reinforce her position as emo Simpson daughter number one. And the only person more rubbish and unconvincingly emo than Jared Leto is evil Peter Parker from Spider-Man 3. Ugh.

*hecklerspray reserves the right to change its mind about this and pretend that they were always doomed wherenever the next Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split rumour comes along. So by the end of the day, then.

Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?

We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?

Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!

You’re probably wondering what everyone’s obsession with the Simpson family is at the moment. What with Ashlee Simpson’s wedding and Joe Simpson’s resurgent megalomania and Jessica Simpson’s persistant romantic misery, you’re lucky if you can go ten seconds without having a bright orange jaw the size of a paddling pool thrust into your face and be expected to care about it. But why?

Well, it’s partly because Jessica Simpson is an enduring everywoman with flaws and disappointments just like the rest of us. And it’s partly because piss-all else has happened lately.

Most recently, it’s been the relationship between Jessica Simpson and pad-wearing athlete Tony Romo that’s been getting the most attention, largely because nobody can work out whether they’ve split up or not. First Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were definitely together, then they were apparently definitely apart, then Tony accompanied Jessica Simpson to her sister’s wedding out of a sense of awkward guilt and now nobody has a clue about anything.

While some reports are suggesting that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo spent the duration of Ashlee Simpson’s wedding looking dour and miserable, another report has surfaced claiming that they were all over each other like a disgusting big-jawed rash. People reports:

“They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo continued to shower the elder Simpson, 27, with attention, said the source.  “They were kissing and holding hands throughout the night,” added the insider. “He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

There you go, haters. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely still a couple, and it must be true because someone close to the couple who was at the wedding and wanted to go to all the trouble of telling a national magazine about something they essentially have nothing to do with said so.

So probably Joe Simpson, then. And just because Joe Simpson is fiercely dedicated to maintaining a positive media image for his daughters doesn’t mean it’s not true. Jessica and Tony are as much of a couple as they ever were. Someone ought to tell Tony, though – chances are it’s news to him.

Read more:

Jessica & Tony’s Wedding Day PDA – People

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

Like us, you’re probably devastated by the news that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up.

No? You forgot about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split as soon as you heard about it because you don’t really know who Tony Romo is and you’re not especially fussed whether Jessica Simpson lives or dies? Us neither, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, even though nobody can really put their hand on their heart and honestly claim to even slightly care about any of this, someone must be to blame for Jessica and Tony’s split. And apparently it’s Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s dickish dad, who inadvertently broke the couple up by being all dickish. We know – thrilling.

Jessica Simpson’s career hasn’t been flushed completely down the crapper yet, but it’s close. Since her divorce from Nick Lachey spelt the end of her painful reality TV series, Jessica has tried and failed to make a mark in other mediums.

Her music career floundered when she bodged a Dolly Parton tribute performance and started crying in front of thousands of people, and her movie career went a similar way when only 48 people in America paid to see her last movie Blonde Ambition at the cinema.

Despite this, though, Jessica Simpson has been all over the news this week. That’s partly because Jessica’s little sister Ashlee Simpson is marrying her emo gonk boyfriend tomorrow and partly because she apparently responded to the news that her ex-boyfriend John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston by getting hopelessly shitfaced in a bar.

But it’s mainly because Jessica Simpson has split up with Tony Romo, her sport star boyfriend. We still can’t understand why such an adorable couple would split up, since they were obviously perfectly suited – Tony Romo helped keep Jessica Simpson sort of semi-famous and Jessica Simpson inspired Tony Romo to have his worst professional season ever. It was just like the most wonderful relationship ever, except it was rubbish and it had a couple of clueless fuckwits in it.

Anyway, now that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are no more, it’s time to use all our detective skills to work out who was responsible for taking Jessica’s heart and splattering it to pieces with a golf club. Oh, it was her Dad? Yeah, that makes sense. He seems like a bit of a dick. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Romo says it’s over — mainly for two reasons: the intense media scrutiny that comes from being in Simpson’s life and the problems he has with her overbearing father, Joe Simpson… The talented QB has been put off by the intrusive style of Joe Simpson, who’s been ”not only telling Jessica every move to make, but now has begun to offer unsolicited advice to Tony on his career, endorsement opportunities and things that have nothing to do with him dating Jessica.”

We can’t see this explanation being true ourselves – how can a man who spent most of his adult life strong-arming his children through the cruel machinations of the entertainment business so that he’d be able to vicariously live his failed dreams through them even if it meant openly praising his young daughter’s breasts possibly be capable of pressuring a young successful sports star into several unrequested product endorsement deals? It just doesn’t add up, damnit.

Still, whether or not her father screwed up her love life, Jessica Simpson will be able to take a small amount of solace from the fact that Tony Romo looks set to keep his promise and escort her to Ashlee Simpson’s wedding tomorrow. And we all know that girls like nothing more than to be accompanied to large family events by men who consider them to be physical, sexual and mental failures. Don’t we?

Read more:

Cowboy QB drops Jessica - CST

Though they’ll never admit it, every single girl on Earth gets bitterly jealous when their sister gets married.

Except, of course, for Jessica Simpson. Cut Jessica Simpson open and nothing but white beams of joy shoot out of her veins. So, even though Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is due to get married the day after tomorrow, Jessica Simpson has nothing to be angry or bitter or jealous about.

Except that Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo has probably just dumped her and she’ll have to go to the wedding alone and spend a day constantly surrounded by millions of glaring reminders that plenty of people are capable of having successful relationships and she isn’t one of them. Chances are she’s pretty gnawed up about that, to be fair.

Jessica Simpson has weathered a few rough years in the love department recently. Ever since she split up with Nick Lachey she hasn’t been with anyone long enough to convince them to exploit their relationship for monetary gain by whoring themselves out to the first music channel reality show that comes knocking. And isn’t that what true love really is?

However, that all possibly changed when Jessica Simpson met Tony Romo. He was probably the most physically fit man she’d ever met and, as a sports star, he was used to being around oddly-coloured people with hulking lantern jaws so her appearance didn’t freak him out too much.

They were perfect for each other – Tony Romo’s prominence on the sports scene gave Jessica Simpson a profile she hadn’t enjoyed in years, and in return she naused up his season something horrible. Why, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo stayed together forever.

What’s that? Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have split up? Oh, OK, forget that last bit. It’s not like we actually meant it. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Despite Simpson’s denials, insiders insist the couple has separated, and Dallas Cowboys star Romo has been telling his pals he’s no longer dating the singer… And the rumors of a split have swelled after Romo was spotted partying with a bevy of beauties at a Chicago bar this weekend, while Simpson was working in Los Angeles. One insider at the party tells Life & Style magazine, “He was surrounded by girls. We had to restrain someone who forcibly tried to make her way to his table … He zeroed in on one blond all night, and that blond wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”

If these split stories are true, then that’s bad enough as it is. But what makes it worse is that Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson is getting married on Saturday, which basically means that Jessica’s in for a day of being stared at pitifully by elderly relatives and asked if she’s got any plans to get married again non-stop by people she barely recognises who’ll make quiet disappointed noises when she doesn’t catch the bouquet at the end.

But let’s be positive here – if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo really have split up, then what’s stopping Jessica from making a new reality TV show about her adventures in looking for a new boyfriend. After all, not only will it help her find love again but we all know that Jessica Simpson will shrivel up and die if an MTV camera crew isn’t chronicling her every last sodding move.

And if Jessica Simpson needs some physical affection before then, there’s always her father. he really does love Jessica Simpson’s boobs, you know.

Read more:

Simpson/Romo Romance Over? – SFC

To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn't just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday's Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who's doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year's winner was Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to deal with the crushingly awkward situation of running into an old flame and being forced to make clumsily stilted conversation with their new partner. It's horrible – small-talk is difficult at the best of times without your entire brain refusing to move on from shrieking "I bet he's better at sex than you!" at full volume – which is why sometimes it's better just to have a massive punch-up like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee did that time. Rather that than let the voices in your head win, we say.

But sometimes the situation is unavoidable. Like, for instance, if you ever sleep with Jessica Simpson there's a good chance that you'll eventually run into another man who's slept with Jessica Simpson. Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore.

Oh, we're just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn't a whore. She just sleeps exclusively with men who identically fit the profile of a Cosmopolitan magazine Fun Fearless Male, which can get a little awkward come the annual Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Male luncheon. USA Today reports:

Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson's ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her. Last year, Simpson's ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony… "I haven't hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I'm honored," said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.

Not only that, but the founder of MySpace also won a Fun Fearless Male award, and he's helping Jessica Simpson go to Kuwait to perform soon. So why has everyone who Jessica Simpson ever been romantically involved with received a Fun Fearless Male award? Well, we don't know about the 'fun' part but you're sure to be pretty fearless after spending a few months waking up in the night, seeing Jessica Simpson's silhouetted jawline and thinking that a giant robot Tyrannosaurus had come from the future to bite you in half. 

And Jessica Simpson should be pleased about this, too – her career might be constantly hitting ever-lower depths, but at least she knows that she's got a decent taste in men. Or that men are sucking all her talent out of her vagina with their penises. Could be either, all said.

Read more:

'Cosmo' men joke about Jessica Simpson thread - USA Today 

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn't matter if you haven't, because Jessica Simpson's read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn't pleased about the reports, to the extent that she's getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

You can't always believe what you read. Why, just the other day we read that if you grab a baby by the ankles and shake really hard its eyes fall out. Not true at all. Also we read that Dallas Cowboys sporty-type Tony Romo had dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. And apparently that's not true either, although it hasn't got us in as much trouble with the police as the first one.

Apparently, according to a report in the February 4 edition of OK! magazine entitled 'Jessica Dumped!' Tony Romo split up with Jessica Simpson because he didn't want to move to LA, she didn't want to leave LA and, besides, she's a double shot of bad luck for him. And also Jessica's sister Ashlee kind of thinks she's a bitch.

That's the reported version, at least – we think it's probably a lot more likely that Tony Romo caught a glimpse of Jessica Simpson's silhouette in profile one night, thought a Tyrannosaurus  Rex had come to eat him and dumped her out of fear.

Wait, no, that's not true, either. In fact, Jessica Simpson is saying that none of it is true and that she's going to hold her breath until OK! does a massive apology saying that it lied and that men only dump Jessica Simpson because they're gay, mentally ill or the TV show based on their sham marriage to her comes to an end. Or something. TMZ reports:

Simpson's lawyers have sent a letter to OK!'s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!'s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a "smear campaign" and has subjected Simpson to "public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace." The lawyers want OK! to "immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous" retraction.

So the truth seems to be that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still very much together, for the time being at least. We're sure that news will be welcomed by the millions of Dallas Cowboy fans around the world who all now see Jessica as a jinx-laden Yoko Ono hero-destroyer figure.

But anyway, even if Tony Romo had split up with Jessica Simpson, would it really be all that bad. After all, all Jessica needs to do is make one phonecall to her dad and she can have any boyfriend she wants. 

Besides, all of this palaver has just caused a bigger problem for Jessica Simpson. By getting her lawyers to order a retraction from OK! because of a 'smear campaign' against her, she's shown herself to be humourless, heavy-handed and just a little bit paranoid. People don't think anyone has a smear campaign out against Jessica Simpson for one very obvious reason. 

And that reason is that people just don't care about Jessica Simpson enough to create a smear campaign. Ask yourself this: if Jessica Simpson suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth, how long would it take for you to notice? Months? Years? Face it, you'd have to end up stuck on an aeroplane being forced to watch Employee Of The Month before you even started to wonder where she'd gone.

And even then you'd think she was Mandy Moore.

Read more:

Jessica Says There's B.S. in OK! – TMZ 

As everyone knows, Jessica Simpson is currently infatuated with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo – which would be great except for the fact that Jessica has made Tony rubbish at everything.

On Sunday the Dallas Cowboys lost an important match against the Philadelphia Knicker-Kickers (or something), with Tony Romo having a particularly bad day. Now, Dallas American Football fans being what they are have studied everything from training to meteorological conditions to Philadelphia's advanced level of man-marking in an effort to try and work out what was to blame for Tony Romo's spectacular drop in form – and they've decided that it's Jessica Simpson's fault. It's all Jessica Simpson's fault. Everything is Jessica Simpson's fault and she smells and walks like a man. Basically.

Yoko Ono must be thrilled at the way 2007 has gone for her. First Heather Mills makes a fool out of herself on TV and becomes the world's most hated Beatle wife and – now that Jessica Simpson has obliterated her new boyfriend's talent – angry misogynists have turned their attention away from her instead. That just leaves Yoko Ono with racists and those who didn't like Don't Worry Kyoko (Mummy's Only Looking For Her Hand In The Snow), which is pretty much everyone now we think of it.

But anyway, back to Jessica Simpson. After Jessica's dad set her up with Tony Roma recently, you would have expected the couple to live their life in a whirlwind of romantic snuggling, hand-holding, nuzzling and the unspoken fear that any babies they have together will inherit Jessica's jaw. But that hasn't been the case at all, because Jessica Simpson has been too busy being public enemy number one for any of that.

Although we know nothing about American Football, we're told that Tony Romo has had an exceptional season so far, scoring lots of kicktouches and setting up an unbroken string of surgewhipples, the likes of which the modern game has never seen before. But on Sunday Jessica Simpson went to see Tony Romo play in a game against the Philadelphia Crumplebums (or whatever) and Tony Romo played the worst game of his life, fluffing the snapcatcher and wasting the opportunity to force gamebreaker penalty stabs again and again.

Naturally, this has caused the Dallas Cowboy fans to blame everything on Jessica Simpson and the way she kept making moon-eyes at Tony when he should have been concentrating. Bloggers, writers and TV reporters have all openly speculated that Jessica Simpson's appearance in the stands and Tony Romo's performance slip might not be unrelated, but Tim Cowlishaw from the Dallas Morning News isn't so certain, saying that the blip:

"probably had more to do with the right thumb that was heavily bandaged after the game than it did that Jessica Simpson was on hand to watch her hero."

Still, whatever the reason for Tony Romo's bad game, he'd better watch his back because this is how it starts. Jessica Simpson's boyfriends always start off famous and successful, but over time they get worn into a braindead husk by Jessica's unique mix of dead-eyed ambition and relentless ditziness. Watch this space – as soon as Tony releases an album all about how sad he is, we'll know that the damage has been done and it's too late for him.

Read more: 

Jessica Gets Ribbed Over Tony Romo's Bad Day – People