Jessica Simpson broke a cardinal rule of dating – never ask a guy to indulge in dress up or any other kind of kinky role play outside of the bedroom.
Worse still, never talk about your bizarre and rather scary sexual peccadilloes in front of his mates.
Jessica is now a single lady. A lady who has been photographed by her local gym getting her sexy back, rather than doing as even her own fans were expecting – and burying herself in mountain of sugary treats. The singer broke up with her sports star boyfriend Tony Romo on July 9, ending a two-year relationship. By all accounts, she also ended two years of crazy-ass-ness and clingy behaviour.
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Here’s a recap – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up, and Tony has banned Jessica from his house.
Pretty humiliating, huh? Still, at least that’s as bad as things can get for Jessica Simpson, right? Because, come on, it’s not as if Jessica Simpson had spent months preparing to launch a new perfume inspired by her deep love for Tony Romo, is it? And it’s not like she was going to call it anything as retrospectively stupid as Fancy Love. Only a genuine idiot would do a thing as dumb as that.
What? Why has everyone gone quiet? Oh.
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Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.
But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.
So great work, Jessica. Almost there.
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Why did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up? There are countless possible reasons, too many to list.
But only one of them is hilarious. So let’s go with that. Reports are suggesting that Tomy Romo ran away from Jessica Simpson because of her meddling, breast-fixated father, Joe Simpson. Apparently one of the factors for the split was Joe’s insistence on giving Tony endless advice about how to do his job properly.
It’s such a waste, especially when poor old Pete Wentz is crying out for advice about how to write better songs. And what a decent haircut looks like.
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If you like women with an uncomfortable obsession with their own body image, or sport or whatever, look away now.
Because Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo – the leading proponents of those two things – have split up. But wait, it gets worse – according to reports, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the day before her 29th birthday. That doesn’t seem like a particularly nice thing to do, does it?
But wait, it gets even worse – Jessica Simpson never even got the opportunity to shill out her relationship with Tony Romo in a badly-made, ethically-questionable MTV reality show. That’s the real tragedy here.
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Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don't really care about?
Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.
Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.
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It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.
No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.
Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.
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Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?
We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?
Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!
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