Have you got a thing for cowboys? Even the closeted ones from Brokeback Mountain? Do you also have a thing for the repulsively handsome Johnny Depp? Well, how about the prospect of Depp dressed up like a cowboy then? Does that tickle your pickle?

Well tough. That’s because Disney were all set to make a Depp featuring film of The Lone Ranger, ’til they decided that they really, really hate you.

That’s right! In their infinite wisdom, Walt Disney Studios have shut down production of The Lone Ranger which would have seen Johnny as Tonto and Armie Hammer (who sounds like a toothpaste) as the title character.

It seems a bit odd that Disney would pull any film starring Depp, what with him being one of the biggest bankers (not a euphemism or rhyming slang) in Hollywood. How much did the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise make? A squazadgibajllion dollars?

And it’s the direction of ‘Pirates’ who would be heading up the Lone Ranger project. Certifiable popcorn smash, right?

Either way, Disney wanted to reduce the $250 million budget to somewhere around $200-million. It didn’t happen and everyone else couldn’t get their head around the difference between $50million to an insanely wealthy company. When you get to those figures, its just conceptual numbers isn’t it?

Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Bob Iger says:

“It’s our intention to take a very careful look at what films cost. And if we can’t get them to a level that we’re comfortable with, we think that we’re better off actually reducing the size of our slate than making films that are bigger and increasingly more risky.”

Disney making risky films? HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA *sharp intake of silent breath* HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAAAAARGH!

Could it be that Disney are stupid enough to think that people don’t like cowboys anymore, just because Cowboys & Aliens isn’t doing particularly well at the box office?

It certainly seems so. Let’s see what Disney do next. Invariably, one of their awful feature length animations that no-one really likes.

Anyway, you’ll just have to do crude drawings of Johnny Depp in ass-less chaps now. Blame Mickey Mouse.

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In olden times our fathers, and our father’s fathers were all taught a strict moral code by the Lone Ranger.

That moral code is that it’s ok to enslave good natured American Indians if it’s for the cause of justice, and if the act of doing so helps end low-budget criminal activity in any of its usual forms. This is a lesson that was taught over and over again – first on the radio, then on television.

As Indian sidekick rental prices began to skyrocket, however, it’s a lesson that was soon forgotten. Not for long though – because if recent rumors are to be believed – George Clooney is about to revive the Lone Ranger on the big screen. Some of the brains behind the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are apparently behind it.

If you mix The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise with the basic theme of the Lone Ranger, most people agree you’d get a film about a giant clam riding a horse everywhere pilgrims are in peril or there’s gold to be hoarded. It really sounds pretty good, actually. We’d at least pay for a matinee ticket.

The clam, of course, would be played by George Clooney – and probably well too. For the purpose of character development, Clooney the Clam would probably have to see his parents torn open by a hungry octopus at a young age. He’d then move to land, and eventually avenge evil on a pretty large scale. Millions of scripts could pour from a set-up like that – but today we’re only concerned with one.

George Clooney is very interested in portraying the Lone Ranger on the silver screen. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Johnny Depp is already signed on as Tonto. No really, we’re not kidding. The Sun said so:

HOLLYWOOD heart-throb GEORGE CLOONEY is to play the Lone Ranger in a new movie. The Oscar-winner, 47, will appear as the masked crimefighter with fellow star JOHNNY DEPP as the legend’s trusty sidekick Tonto. An insider said last night: “George is very keen — he’s been trying to do a movie with Johnny for a long time. He thinks they’ll make the perfect on-screen partnership.” The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who also scripted the three hit Pirates Of The Caribbean films starring Depp, 45.

Now as we understand it, Depp’s not just gonna play Tonto as the gallant sidekick fearlessly riding into danger with his ol’ cowboy chum. No – they’re gonna stick to the more aquatic theme we mentioned earlier. Tonto with be the ghost of an Indian boy who drown under a pile of sunken maize.

If Depp plays this right it could give us valuable insight into the usually hidden aspects of American Indian culture.

We’re all pretty excited.