Well, there was a double eviction on Celebrity Big Brother, yesterday with LaToya Jackson and Tommy Sheridan getting the chop because nobody likes them. Or because nobody realised they existed, in Tommy Sheridan’s case. Either way, they’ve gone. Please let it affect your life accordingly.

So, with a clear run to Friday’s final, who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother? Here’s our take on the matter, for Terry Christian…

Terry Christian – Is it just us, or has Terry Christian physically aged since he entered the Celebrity Big Brother house. Three weeks ago he was impish and fun, and now he spends all his time wondering why winters aren’t as cold as they were when he was a lad. It’s something Terry needs to keep an eye on if he wants to win Celebrity Big Brother. The public don’t vote for bores, you see. Except for that boring woman who won Big Brother last year. And that ginger politician chap. And Anthony. And… oh, come to think of it, Terry Christian’s probably doing alright, actually.

Tomorrow: Celebrity Big Brother final day looks at Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer, who’s obviously going to win it anyway so we don’t know why we’re even bothering.

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So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.