Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?

WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!

How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.

Janet played the original Vivian Banks in the Fresh Prince, before getting fired for getting pregnant. Great work patriarchy. She spat to coffin chasers TMZ:

“There will never be a reunion as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith.”

“He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up.”

It seems that former co-stars Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Alfonso Riberio and James Avery don’t think Will Smith is a massive demonic bozo. And who are we to believe? James Avery isn’t only Dad Phil in Fresh Prince, but he’s also the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Surely we all side with him?

Either was, Hubert still blames Smith for her 1993 mid-series departure from the show.

“This constant reunion will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology. He doesn’t know the word.”

Smith has before spoken about all this, once saying:

“She’s mad now but she’s been mad all along. She said once, ‘I’ve been in the business for 10 years and this snotty-nosed punk comes along and gets a show.’ No matter what, to her I’m just the AntiChrist.”

So there you have it. Will Smith. As evil as a box of goat hooves.

May 2012 will see the return of Men In Black in the imaginatively titled Men In Black 3. Once again, we’ll be seeing Will Smith ostensibly being The Fresh Prince: Still Has A Job With The Government and Tommy Lee Jones looking really, really old.

Of course, the first MIB was something of a light-relief puffpiece which was the remedy to the shade of loads of overbearing, dense sci-fi flicks… but now?

Well, it’s just nakedly nothing more than franchisism. Is their any point to a new Men In Black film? YES THERE IS. AND WE’LL HALF-HEARTEDLY TELL YOU WHY.

The first Men In Black was dumb fun, while the second one felt like it was a weak enough concept being stretched to breaking point.

MIB3 knows this, and as such, has decided to throw some time travel at the whole thing. Obviously Doctor Who’s growing popularity in the States hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Anyway, before we get going, you should totally watch the trailer.

You’ll be amazed at how minuscule your emotion response will be to it. There’ll be a faint flicker of feeling as it trundles past your eyes. Your brains will barely register the goings-on, until some bloke does a passable impression of a young Tommy Lee Jones.

So, now you’ve watched MIB3 trailer, you’re thinking ‘Gah, it doesn’t look dreadful… just… nothing,’ right? So what can we get excited about?

THE SONG WILL SMITH WILL QUITE OBVIOUSLY RELEASE YOU NITWIT!

Of course, the first MIB single sampled Patrice Rushen’s ‘Forget Me Nots’ (which is just brilliant). Will Smith kinda ruined it, but what with him being a big, dozy berk, you couldn’t hate him for it.

For MIB2, Smith released the semi-serious ‘Black Suits Comin” which is just terrible. Clearly an attempt at recreating the first-bell adrenaline rush of Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J. Alas, it was all something of an ill-advised squib.

So, what is Smith going to tackle this time? Surely he realises that he only ever caught the attention of the public when using a catchy, well-known song and spinning it into the MIB franchise?

He’s going to have to look for a disco or funk break isn’t he? Wild Wild West was a terrible film, but his sampling of Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Wish’ saw him bagging a chart monster. As such, he should totally sample Average White Band’s Pick Up The Pieces and retag it, ‘Blast ‘Em To Pieces’ or, work in something about ‘time pieces’ if the latest caper is all about time travel.

Yeah. We want a royalty on this.

There’s been a lot of buzz surrounding the release of the new Captain America film, despite the fact that, as superheroes go, Captain America is pretty lame. He’s called Captain America for starters – how lame is that?

Anyway, the first full movie trailer for Paramount/Marvel flick has arrived online, much to everyone’s initial thrill.

Captain America: The First Avenger has been directed by Joe Johston (who did… uh… Jurassic Park III and Jumanji… Christ, this is going to be awful isn’t it?) and stars (no, not that one) Chris Evans, Hayley Atwell, Hugo Weaving, Stanley Tucci, Sebastian Stan, Toby Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, Dominic Cooper, Tommy Lee Jones, Derek Luke and Neal McDonough. For the most part: Who? Whatever. Trailer is over the jump.

Captain America: The First Avenger will be landing on conventional and 3D screens across the US and UK from July 22nd, 2011.

Which is aaages away.

In this flick, we’ll see sickly Steve Rogers getting ramped up to something like human perfection in an experiment by the United States army in World War II during the 1940s.

Then, he’ll sport the most excellent camouflage of a bright blue suit and a red and white shield that is just aching to be aimed at.

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If there’s one thing Hecklerspray’s always hated it’s getting third degree burns all over our body after sitting too close to an exploding easy-bake oven.

If there’s another thing Hecklerspray hates it’s including Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in any potential Goonies sequels – unless of course one of them is playing a revamped Sloth. Smoosh Smith’s right eye way down, get him a chubby boy to fall in love with – and in all likelihood you’d got yourself some Oscar nods.

Speaking of which – you know how Josh Brolin was in Goonies? Well that allows us an awkward tie-in to Men In Black 3.

When Men in Black II ended, Will Smith got turned into a statue by a shiny black half-robot and Tommy Lee Jones had just learned he was fathered by Gollum. That last part was in a very sexy flashback scene. It involved a dozen roses, a fish dinner and Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

It was truly a tremendous plot – and it payed off too. Not really though. Really it tanked.

That may not be accurate either. All we know is a third in the franchise is being made – and this one stars the guy from Goonies that stole Troy’s girl. We know – we’ll never trust him again either.

The LA Times has the scoop:

“With “No Country for Old Men,” “Milk,” “W.,” and, of course, “The Goonies” on his resume, Brolin’s filmography speaks for itself. Now he may be adding “Men in Black 3″ to that estimable list. The actor is being considered for a role that would have him donning the black suit and shades for the third installment of the sci-fi comedy franchise. His exact part is a matter of discussion, but in recent days there’s been chatter in Hollywood development circles of a few possibilities: He could play a new single-monikered government agent, with Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K passing the baton to Brolin’s character. Or he could play Agent K as a young man. Or something else entirely.”

That sounds like a terrible movie. Any film synopsis with no mention of magic bears, racecars or unicorns should be sprayed down with the business end of a sick pig. Even so – they’ll probably go through with filming anyway.

Lucky us, eh?

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As his characters in The Fugitive, Men In Black and, um, Men In Black 2 have shown time and time again, Tommy Lee Jones is not a man to be messed with.

So when the producers of No Country For Old Men started to muck around with Tommy Lee Jones’ salary, it was always going to end up with one of two scenarios – either Tommy Lee Jones was going to chase them through the woods with a gang of fearsome US Marshalls until they’re forced to jump off a waterfall, or he’d just sue them.

So he sued them. Tommy Lee Jones has launched a lawsuit against the producers of No Country For Old Men because he says they paid him $10 million less than they said they would. $10 million is lot of money which, having seen No Country For Old Men, equates roughly to $5 million for every word that Tommy Lee Jones spoke in it, so no wonder he’s narked off.

No Country For Old Men was a phenomenal success. Not only did it win just about every movie award under the sun, but it also ended up taking hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, which is fairly odd for an almost-silent movie about a man with a funny haircut getting some kids to bandage him up with a T-shirt.

The success of No Country For Old Men has led to greater things for everyone involved – Javier Bardem got to have it off with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz at the same time, Josh Brolin‘s getting to play the president in his next movie and it lent Woody Harrelson the authority to compare Wesley Snipes to a tree in official letters.

Yep, everyone’s done well out of No Country For Old Men, except for Tommy Lee Jones. He’s apparently been gypped out of $10 million by the movie’s producers, after he apparently signed a contract where they promised him all kinds of woolly fluff. BBC News reports:

Legal papers filed in California stated the 61-year-old had taken a lower fee than normal to appear in the film. But Paramount Pictures pledged “significant” bonuses to him if the movie was a hit and Jones did not receive these, the papers alleged.

Significant bonuses? No wonder there’s so much confusion – that doesn’t actually mean anything at all. Personally if we were the movie producers, we’d have tried to let Tommy Lee Jones keep the hat he wore and one of the dog corpse dummies from the film on the basis that they’re culturally significant. Plus, you know, he might have been able to get a couple of quid for them on eBay as well. What’s he complaining for?

Actually, in fairness, we’re completely on the side of Tommy Lee Jones here. It’s not nice to go unrewarded for work you’ve done, especially when you’ve already been rewarded for it and you’re quibbling over bonuses for your particularly easy, incredibly overpaid role in a movie that basically just asked you to play a quieter version of every single other character you’ve played in all other movies you’ve ever been in.

Honestly Tommy Lee Jones, we should organise a march for you or something.

The history of cinema has given us many a bad haircut over the years.

Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich, Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code and Nicholas Cage in pretty much everything since the turn of the millennium. Never before though has someone with such a bad haircut been so terrifying and menacing than Chigurh, played by Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men.

We are introduced to him straight away, a man of few words and (in his mind) necessary actions. The plot revolves around a bag of stolen money that Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) runs off with after finding the aftermath of a Mexican standoff – with genuine Mexicans. This leads Chigurh hot on his trail and what happens next is a gripping cat and mouse tale full of the darkest wit and heart-pounding action.  

Tommy Lee Jones plays Sheriff Ed Tom Bell bringing with him the good to balance against the bad and the ugly haircut. He grounds the film by playing someone who is horrified by the evils that unfold in front of him, asking himself what he can do against such violence and hatred. A great performance from Jones that stands out with his best and buries the turd that was Man About The House.

The whole film has great performances all round. Each character is so well-written and so rounded that it’s a joy to watch each one on the screen and even smaller characters – such as Woody Harrelson’s Carson Wells – come across with such screen presence and well-written dialogue that there is never a dull moment as the plot takes you to unexpected places.

It’s hard to fault this film at all, which has you on the edge of your seat throughout and as it builds up to climatic confrontation at the finale when…
 
Oh sorry, were we meant to finish that sentence? Well, this is what happens in the film, all the excitement builds up and then abruptly ends. It’s a shock for the viewer and certainly felt a bit awkward when the focus changes back to Tommy Lee Jones for the last act. The film shifts into a different tone and it didn’t quite work as well as we hoped. It was all acted superbly by the parties involved, but it just felt like it was a scratched DVD and just skipped over the exciting scene.  

Without spoiling too much, though, it's clear this film is more than just a heart-pumpingly fantastic thriller – it has more of a soul than that and in these later scenes Jones’ character really stands out as the centre of the three leads. We’d be surprised if he doesn’t get an award nomination come Oscar time.

Go see this film. It is fantastic – the best we’ve seen this year so far – and a great return to form from the Coen brothers, who have revisited their darker noir roots with fantastic results.

Just don’t be surprised if you get some nightmares, because this villain will send chills down your spine and we aren’t just referring to his haircut.

[story by David A. Scarborough]