If there was a list of Films That Nobody Remembers, there’s no way that Lara Croft: Tomb Raider would be on it.

And that’s because nobody would remember it enough to include it. But just because it’s primarily famous for being the only film in history that people actually forgot about while they were watching it, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is getting a reboot.

The favourite to become the new Lara Croft is Megan Fox. Not because she looks like Angelina Jolie mind you, but because… oh, OK – it is because she looks like Angelina Jolie. Who are we kidding?

If ever there was a reason to be ashamed to be a man, it’s Lara Croft. Remember when the first Tomb Raider game came out and all men everywhere couldn’t stop talking about how sexy she was? Yeah, actually go back and look at what Lara Croft looked like back in Tomb Raider 1 – she was a kind of body-dysmorphic Bride of Wildenstein with Penelope Keith‘s voice and a pair of boobs that looked like beachballs that had been wrapped in corrugated iron by a feeble old Albanian double-amputee. And you found that attractive. You disappoint us, men.

Luckily, that mix-up was corrected when the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movies were released. Then men were allowed to transfer their misplaced lust onto an image of pre-boring Angelina Jolie in a shiny wetsuit with a couple of chicken fillets rammed into a bra. And it would have been perfect, too, had the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider films not been so completely unwatchable that they made all sensible people want to strangle themselves unconscious.

However, thanks to a minor licensing procedure that’s so dreary we can’t even be bothered to tell you about it, Warner Bros is ready to make a new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie that will completely dispense with what came before it. E! Online reports:

Warner Bros. has confirmed plans to relaunch—and completely overhaul—the hot-pants-wearing, artifact-collecting Lara Croft: Tomb Raider franchise, with the first major casualty being Jolie. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the third film will completely reboot the video-game-based character, including changing her origin story, and introduce new kinds of missions, love interests and villains.

No wonder Angelina Jolie has been given the boot – chances are that she’d only return to the Lara Croft role if the film was set in war-ravaged Afghanistan and Lara Croft’s family were all landmine victims and and she was contractually guaranteed 20 minutes of unbroken onscreen weeping anyway – but that begs the question: who will be the next Lara Croft?

Well, duh. It’s Megan Fox, obviously. Megan Fox hasn’t been confirmed as the new Lara Croft, but she’s bound to be on top of the producers’ wishlist. And that’s because Megan Fox can do anything – action, um, lesbianism… have we said action already? We have? Oh. Well, she can probably do other stuff as well.

According to reports, the new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie will also probably ditch the need for Lara Croft to be posh and British. We’ve whittled down the reasons for this to the following:

1 - When Megan Fox attempts a British accent, she sounds like a drunk vicar falling down the stairs in a Carry On film.

2 - A British accent would force Megan Fox to think, and if she has to think and walk at the same time her brain gets confused and she topples over.

3 – Getting Megan Fox to de a British accent would require her to be sent back to her manufacturer for reprogramming, and that tends to be a costly procedure.

Either way, though, we’re looking forward to this new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie. Our one request, though, is that the producers make the archaeology scenes a little more realistic. That’s right, we want Lara Croft: Tomb Raider to be set in a shallow ditch in an arable field in Shewsbury on a drizzly Tuesday afternoon.

Let’s be honest, it can only be an improvement.

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