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Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Not Thrilled About Oddball Scientology Leak

by Stuart Heritage

The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn’t exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is “extremely unhappy” about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it’s rough and tumble, it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: “Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!” Or however you spell that somewhat deranged chuckle of his.

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Has Scientology Got Will Smith By The Nutsack?

by Stuart Heritage

Will Smith has been spending lots of time around Tom Cruise lately, and the only people who tend to do that willingly are Scientologists and fans of Days Of Thunder.

Since none of the latter actually exist, can we take this to mean that Will Smith is now in with the Scientology crowd? It would certainly seem that way, thanks to reports that Will Smith’s wrap gifts to the crew of his new movie Hancock consisted of free passes for Scientology personality tests.

If it’s true, great – that makes Will Smith the new John Travolta, and we await his Look Who’s Talking Now with baited breath.

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Tom Cruise Unhappy With ‘Tom Cruise Is A Weirdo’ Book

by Stuart Heritage

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they’ll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise’s lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise’s Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise’s daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard’s sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard’s sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

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Celebrity Divorce Betting Odds: Cruise, Beckham & Aguilera

by Stuart Heritage

The start of a new year is a time to wipe the slate clean, to reflect on one’s past negativity and move on determined to right one’s wrongs imbued with a fresh sense of goodwill and radiant positivity.

And that’s why the very first hecklerspray post of 2008 is all about celebrity divorces. Not only that, but it’s a betting odds post, meaning that we’re effectively giving you the chance to make a crazy amount of money by exploiting the misery of others. Over the next couple of days we’re giving you the chance to bet on which celebrity couple will be the first to file for divorce in 2008. Bah, radiant positivity is overrated, anyway.

So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, Posh and Becks and Ashley and Cheryl Cole, with help from Paddy Power…

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Katie Holmes Called ‘Mom’ By Tom Cruise’s Adorable Experiments

by Stuart Heritage

Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom’s children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her ‘Mom’ in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage.

Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom’s adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as ‘Mom’, even though ‘very slightly older sister’ would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her ‘Nicole’ against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we’re not so sure – every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent’s new partner more than them.

Come on, that’s rule number one, people.

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Will Smith Takes On Scientology Haters For Tom Cruise

by Stuart Heritage

Will Smith’s new movie I Am Legend is a huge risk, since it mostly seems to be about Will Smith cowering fully-clothed in an empty bath for two hours.

So what Will Smith needs to do for I Am Legend – more than with any of his other films – is sell it. Sell sell sell. Promote the movie as a thrilling romp that the whole family will enjoy. Exclude nobody in its appeal. And that’s why Will Smith has decided to promote I Am Legend by giving a lengthy television interview all about how much Tom Cruise has taught him about the benefits of being a fully paid-up member of the Scientologists.

Oh.

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David Beckham: Tom Cruise Doesn’t Choke Me On Scientology

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve all been there – you move into a house, the neighbours introduce themselves and invite you round for dinner, then next thing you know they’re yelling at you about E-Meters and the threat of Xenu stealing your body-thetans.

Most people would have expected David Beckham to know this more than anyone, because his neighbour is Tom Cruise. However, in a new interview David Beckham has gone to huge lengths to make it clear that Tom Cruise absolutely doesn’t shove his Scientology beliefs down David Beckham’s throat and, although David Beckham respects Tom Cruise’s religion, neither Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes have ever tried to force him into Scientology. Unless you’d count burning the phrase ‘JOIN US’ in giant letters onto David Beckham’s lawn as ‘forcing’, of course. Which we’re legally entitled to point out is something that Tom Cruise has never done, by the way, although he might want to think about it if he’s serious about getting David Beckham to join this Scientology lark.

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