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Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: It’s Over, Except It Probably Isn’t

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you have a secret crush on either Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes, then we have bad news – a) they’re not divorcing, and b) you’re quite creepy.

And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we’ll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned.

However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There’s probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

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Tom Cruise’s Failed Nazi Comeback Postponed Until 2009

by Stuart Heritage

Well this is a pisser – we’re going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny one-eyed Nazi.

Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October 2008 to February 2009.

The signs are clear – by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted that he doesn’t stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy’s inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.

Well this is a pisser - we're going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny one-eyed Nazi. Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October 2008 to February 2009. The signs are clear - by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted that he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.
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Tom Cruise’s Face Used To Sell Marijuana

by Paul Sorrenti

Tom Cruise Used To Sell MarijuanaAn image of Tom Cruise laughing like a maniac (a.k.a. laughing like Tom Cruise) is being used to sell a brand of hallucinogenic marijuana in Californian cannabis clubs, and has also been named in his honour.

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought that Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one ‘weed devotee’ told them:

I heard it’s the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate.

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Will Smith Not No Scientology-Loving Scientologist

by Shawn Lindseth

Hecklerspray was raised in a very stern Jewish home for three months as a child. But then our mother got dumped by her Hasidic rabbi boyfriend and we found ourself at our Uncle’s house, where apparently the only thing even faintly religious was Sunday morning Baywatch reruns. That was fine until we’d seen them all. Twice.

Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.

That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith’s current dilemma. He’s not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard’s bottom half dearly.

Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit

Hecklerspray was raised in a very stern Jewish home for three months as a child. But then our mother got dumped by her Hasidic rabbi boyfriend and we found ourself at our Uncle's house, where apparently the only thing even faintly religious was Sunday morning Baywatch reruns. That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice. Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo. That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly. Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit
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Top 7 Action Heroes You Could Probably Beat In A Fight

by David Schwartz

Some movie action heroes really don’t cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse.

They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, “they are all fart and no shit.” Anyway, you get the idea. They’re the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing.

Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says ‘wait a minute’. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on!

Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven…

Some movie action heroes really don't cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse. They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, "they are all fart and no shit." Anyway, you get the idea. They're the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing. Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says 'wait a minute'. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on! Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven...
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Is Katie Holmes Pregnant With Another Little Thetan?

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, the best way to get yourself out of a pickle when videos of you babbling religiously appear on the internet is to knock your wife up.

That appears to be the case anyway – Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she’s pregnant by buying a T-shirt with ‘Big Sister’ written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?

Hardly – unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn’t get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.

Or something.

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The Inevitable Tom Cruise Scientology Video Parody… Yay!

by hecklerspray staff

They say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If that’s true, then Jerry O’Connell must simply adore Tom Cruise.

Why? Because Jerry O’Connell has made a parody of the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that we appreciate so much because it makes us feel a little bit saner by comparison.

We were sort of hoping that some poor androgynous teenager would make a sobbing, overemotional plea for Tom Cruise to be left alone like that kid did for Britney Spears, but this works too.

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Leave Tom Cruise Alone, Say Other Rich And Famous People

by C J Davies

Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray’s reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you’d expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself).

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise. Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

Among those branding this charade a ‘sickening backlash’ are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We’re sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education.

Sorry. We meant to say shopping. She was busy shopping.

Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray's reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself). A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise. Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world - or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout - just how goshdarn annoyed they are. Among those branding this charade a 'sickening backlash' are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We're sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education. Sorry. We meant to say shopping. She was busy shopping.
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Tom Cruise Can’t Keep Pizzas Warm With Magic

by Stuart Heritage

To watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you’d think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn’t do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn’t able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can’t keep pizzas warm with magic.

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Church of Scientology to Gawker Media: Hey, Give That Back!

by hecklerspray staff

Here at hecklerspray, we know that there are many things we can’t do for you. We know we can’t rub that painful bunion on your heel, and we know we can’t buy you that box set of Good Times.

And we certainly can’t help you if you’re in an accident. We’re just gonna keep on driving, because Tom Cruise is really the only one that can really help. Just listen to his widely leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that you weren’t supposed to see, and haven’t mirthfully shared with all of your friends.

But we can report on the inevitable fallout from said video. Today’s fallout involves the Church of Scientology’s legal team sending scary letters to Gawker Media because they first posted the video. Yay!

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