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Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Forces Old Dead German To Look Like Him

by Shawn Lindseth

Say the name Tom Cruise and at least 3 out of 10 women will swoon right down to the floor. That’s probably because both he and his soft velvety skin are considered ‘handsome.’ And we’re not talking about just in lost African pygmy tribes either – we mean by western standards lots of chicks really [...]

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Tom Cruise Likened To Mentalist, Doctor Likened To Nazi, Scientology Unsurprisingly Involved

by Ian Dransfield

A doctor, Playboy and Nazis. With just three clues we want you, our intrepid readers, to guess what this story could possibly be about. Though that does mean ignoring the picture next to this text. And the headline. Hmm… That’s right, it’s Tom Cruise News! Was there ever any doubt? Yes, it would seem we [...]

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Katie Holmes Signs On for Broadway Instead of Doing Nothing Else

by hecklerspray staff

The whole Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise match-up is still a mystery to a few people.

And by a few people we mean everyone on planet Earth, and most of the aliens on planet Xenu. But everyone should just shut up and leave them alone. Katie is a strong, free woman making brilliant career moves. She turned down the Batman sequel to do Mad Money with Queen Latifah, and now it looks as if she’s signed on for Broadway.

This is exciting news for Katie. Not only will she be able pursue new career venues, but the boundaries on her electric shock collar is said to include the Starbucks next to the theatre. Hello, Paul McCartney compilation CD!

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Brewing Up Another Baby?

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise is back in the A-list, baby – if ‘A-list’ means going on a daytime TV show twice and having lunch with the oldest man alive, of course.

And what better way could there possibly be for Tom Cruise to celebrate his resurgent career than by having sex with his wife until a little person who looks like him crawls out of her genitals?

That’s right – if reports are to be believed, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are trying for another baby, with those close to the couple making it clear that Katie Holmes has ‘got the itch.’ But as soon as thisresilient bout of vaginal thrush clears up, Tom and Katie will definitely try and have another baby.

Hecklerspray: king of the clumsy vaginal thrush joke since 2005.

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Tom Cruise Might Somehow Make Mission: Impossible 4

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to think that Oprah Winfrey is some kind of mystical genie, you know.

Just look at Tom Cruise. Just the other week he was in the worst professional state of his career, then he zipped over to Oprah and – blam – there’s suddenly a lot of talk about him returning to Paramount to make Mission: Impossible 4.

If this Mission: Impossible 4 talk is true then it’s an incredible turnaround for Tom Cruise. And just in the nick of time, too – if we all cross our fingers tight enough and maybe chant a little, then the thrill of being given a second chance to make more blockbuster movies might just turn Tom Cruise back into the obnoxiously cocksure prick that we all remember from the good old days.

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Tom Cruise On Oprah: Sadly No Spazzy Leaping This Time

by Stuart Heritage

What a week; Iron Man, GTA IV and an anti-climactic interview between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey- we’re being spoiled here.

Did you know that Tom Cruise was set to appear on Oprah? Did we mention that to you at all? Well, it’s happened – Tom Cruise’s long-anticipated rematch interview with Oprah Winfrey happened today and, boy oh boy, was it ever spectacular!

And if you’re one of those disgusting cynics who thought that this was just a deliberate attempt by Tom Cruise to publicly soften his controversial stance on Scientology and the use of psychiatric drugs in the softball presence of an old friend eager for viewers? Turns out you might have had a bit of a point.

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Tom Cruise Vs Oprah: More Slightly Underwhelming Details

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow’s the big day – the day when Oprah Winfrey goes toe-to-toe with Tom Cruise for a slightly creepy-looking interview.

But tomorrow’s too long to wait! We want to know the skinny about the Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey interview now! So it’s just as well that some poor Oprah-slave has leaked out details of the interview in a not-at-all cynically pre-planned effort to boost Oprah’s ratings tomorrow.

So what hardball questions can we expect Oprah to ask Tom Cruise tomorrow? Well, according to the source, Tom is grilled on his family. And his marriage. And his views on psychiatry. And Scientology. And blah. And snore.

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Oprah Winfrey Discusses Tom Cruise’s Arse In Horrible Detail

by Stuart Heritage

This week’s rematch between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey looks set to be the most exciting self-serving marketing stunt of the year!

However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview – until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview – conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home – involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

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Tom Cruise Returns To Finish Oprah Off

by Stuart Heritage

Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey’s couch in 2005 – and by ‘iconic’ we obviously mean ‘nightmarishly creepy’.

But, really, Tom Cruise’s appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like ‘What’s going on?’, ‘Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?’, ‘Why am I watching Oprah?’, ‘What happened to my self-respect?’ and ‘I’m so alone. Why am I so very alone?’

Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It’s literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.

Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey's couch in 2005 - and by 'iconic' we obviously mean 'nightmarishly creepy'. But, really, Tom Cruise's appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like 'What's going on?', 'Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?', 'Why am I watching Oprah?', 'What happened to my self-respect?' and 'I'm so alone. Why am I so very alone?' Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It's literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.
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Tom Cruise’s Son Stars As Will Smith In Some Movie Or Other

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person.

And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise’s very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow.

Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise’s first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It’s what his daddy would want.

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person. And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise's very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow. Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise's first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It's what his daddy would want.
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