Articles tagged with: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person. And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise's very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow. Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise's first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It's what his daddy would want.
Well this is a pisser - we're going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny, one-eyed Nazi.
Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October to February.
The signs are clear - by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.
An image of Tom Cruise laughing like a maniac is being used to sell a brand of hallucinogenic marijuana in Californian cannabis clubs. It has even been named in his honour.
Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?
According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:
"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."
Hecklerspray was raised in a very stern Jewish home for three months as a child. But then our mother got dumped by her Hasidic rabbi boyfriend and we found ourself at our Uncle's house, where apparently the only thing even faintly religious was Sunday morning Baywatch re-runs.
That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice.
Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.
That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly.
Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit
Some movie action heroes really don't cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse.
They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, "they are all fart and no shit." Anyway, you get the idea. They're the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing.
Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says 'wait a minute'. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on!
Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven...
As we all know, the best way to get yourself out of a pickle when videos of you babbling religiously appear on the internet is to knock your wife up.
That appears to be the case anyway - Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she's pregnant by buying a T-shirt with 'Big Sister' written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?
Hardly - unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn't get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.
Or something.
They say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If that’s true, then Jerry O’Connell must simply adore Tom Cruise.
Why? Because Jerry O’Connell has made a parody of the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that we appreciate so much because it makes us feel a little bit saner by comparison.
We were sort of hoping that some poor androgynous teenager would make a sobbing, overemotional plea for Tom Cruise to be left alone like that kid did for Britney Spears, but this works too.
