Man, rock stars are petrifying, with their tight leather trousers, their big greasy hair styles, and their hungry, sexual tongues.

Oh, and they like drugs too. Like them so damn much. Now close your eyes and picture them in your mind’s eye, sitting there, with their piles of heroin and their electric guitars still switched on in the background. Possibly with their underpants pulled right down. It’s a terrifying sight isn’t it?

With that in mind, we thought it high time we compile the most devastatingly crazy rock band of all time…

On drums… Dave Rowntree from Blur

This maniac has been playing drums in the British rock band Blur ever since they tore onto the scene in the late 80s, or early 90s – we’re not sure – with a song about how boring and stupid grown ups can be sometimes. He notoriously kept a stony arm-crossed silence during the hysterical war of words with the Manchester nancies in Oasis – named after a watery illusion in the desert. And these days he can be found studying to be a lawyer. Mothers, lock up your daughters, because he also has a keen interest in computer graphics.

On bass… Guy Berryman from Coldplay

As everyone knows, on bass is where the really berserk characters live. Sid Vicious, the Irish one in U2, beardy wotsisname in New Order. But we’ve gone for the madman on bass in Coldplay, Guy Berryman. He sometimes oscillates between almost having a beard, and not having a beard, and he once left his bandmates behind for a bit so that he could work on a wild collaboration with Magne Furuholmen, the crazy one from A-Ha. Back when he was just another tearaway at university, he switched from studying Engineering to do Architecture. Bonkers.

On guitar… Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead

The guitarist in a band provides the thrashing rockness essential to a rock song, and they don’t come much more aggressive than Jonny from Radiohead – a fierce rock and roll animal who at one stage needed an arm brace to protect his strumming arm, because of a repetitive strain injury. Danger fans will be petrified to note that he is seriously red/green colourblind, and he has composed several pieces for the BBC Concert Orchestra. The rabid hound also plays viola.

And on vocals… Tom Chaplin from Keane

With all of the barking maniacs backing him up, you’re going to need a snarling beast up front, and they don’t come much more shocking and sexual than Tom Chaplin – former choirboy turned former choirboy. This absolute monster spent his gap year in South Africa before heading off to the violent city of Edinburgh to study Art History, and now he’s a fearsome singer in a sexy rock band called Keane. He lost a lot of weight in The Priory once.

Like this, do you? Then you’d better look at Josh’s website Interestment, hadn’t you?

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For once we decided not to leave ourselves open for getting something wrong and remembered that you can’t physically get hold of this new tune from the UK’s worst drug-taking band, Keane.

Unless you’re one of those posh industry types, this song is unavailable to buy on CD, vinyl or even from one of those fancy digital downloading services. Though we assume it’s on file sharing sites alongside the mis-titled new Elvis and Frank Sinatra album.

Usually we don’t bother telling you how awesome or shoddy a single is, but seeing as it’s free release that didn’t get that much publicity compared to other free downloads, offered by the likes of Radiohead and Sigur Ros, we thought we’d make you aware. Spiralling is taken from Keane’s yet to be released (but probably available illegally on the internet) third album Perfect Symmetry.

Gone are the earlier vocals of fatter-looking lead man Tom Chaplin, who previously sounded like a choir boy whose angelic vocals had crashed head on with him breaking into puberty. 2008 sees a different and experimental sounding vocal style – maybe it was the cocaine, we don’t know, but he seems to be taking on a bit more of an aggressive edge to his singing style. Gone is the quite timid whimper that was sometimes a bit awkward to listen to, but still delighted thousands of Radio 2 listeners.

When trying to work out the reason for this change, it may not be down to him snorting cocaine off the arsecrack of a model. Tom may have been given peppermint tea before the vocal take instead of mint tea. It would piss us off, that’s for sure.

Following strange lyrics from Feeder and their single We Are The People, Keane have managed to arrange the lyrics into questions for fans to answer. Hooray for interactive fun! Instead of the song breaking down and building back up again as per usual we are instead hit with a barrage of questions. Don’t worry, they won’t fry your brain – Chaplin asks if we want to:

“Be a winner, Be an icon, Be Famous, Be the President, Start a war, Have a family, Be in love.”

Because we’re nice, we’ll give you the answers:

“We already are – ask Alan Mcgee, only if it involves free things off PR people, only if we didn’t have to campaign for a year, no – because we struggle to even start a computer up sometimes, we are one happy family and yes – but not with the people from Keane.”

The lyrics are a bit too kooky for a band as commercial as Keane, and they would work better coming from some pissed off communist rapper who is integrating you through his lyrics and why you are a sucker to globalisation.

Not from a posh podgy boy and his mates whose idea of fun on a Friday night is ringing doorbells and running away whilst laughing like people who’ve just seen a pair of tits for the first time.

So what about the music? Well the two bods who no-one seem to know about are still performing. Richard Hughes still bangs the drums and Tim Rice-Oxley is still on the keyboard.

After two albums of just using the boring piano and not even altering the pitch Rice-Oxley has discovered the effects button and decided to jazz things up a bit. Sadly this new direction of incorporating diluted electronic sounds and vocal tweaks doesn’t work.

At best the song sounds like a shoddy remix using the successful song formula that Keane constantly used with songs such Somewhere Only We Know and Everybody’s Changing. With so much free music software for bedroom producers to use, it really just sounds like someone has attempted to remix the older tracks and failed badly.

Oh, and let’s not forget that the daring leap of going hip and copying the dying trend of indie bands with synthesizers simply falls flat on its arse. As this is a free release, we can only hope that the real version suddenly appears and those crazy Keane boys have pulled an early April fool on us, or it’s never going to be anything more that poor.

Still, it’s only a free download. If you don’t like it, e-mail the song around as one of those crap joke chain messages. Title it as “best thing you’ll ever hear” before deleting the song off of your computer and freeing up the space it took up for porn or a better sounding track.

There are a lot available. Trust us.