But back to Strictly Come Dancing. Saturday will be the culmination of half a year’s training for Lisa Snowdon, Tom Chambers and Rachel Stevens, and only one can win it. Unless, you know, the BBC makes the last-minute decision that they’ve all won and, instead of a final dance-off, Tess Daly just rolls around in everyone’s phone-vote money cackling like a witch. That seems to be the done thing these days.

So can Tom Chambers win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s his recap…

Tom Chambers – When a reality TV show like Strictly Come Dancing reaches its final stages, it’s highly important that the contestants can reflect on their ‘journey’ as a life-changing experience, and that’s what Tom Chambers did on Saturday’s show – calling it “the greatest chapter of my life”. Admittedly that’s because most of the other chapters in Tom Chambers’ life have involved Holby City, and so a chapter that involved nothing but being bitten on the cock by a laboratory monkey would still qualify as the greatest of his life. But, with this in mind, Tom Chambers was bound to give the Strictly Come Dancing performances of his life on Saturday, because it just meant that much to him. Right?

Nope. Instead Tom Chambers dressed up as one of those Quality Streets that always gets left at the bottom of the tin and did a limp little Jive to Waterloo that walked the line between earnest and crap so perfectly that it was like watching the winners of Britain’s Got Incredibly Annoying Stage School Children, if such a thing even exists. Was Tom saving up the good stuff for his Strictly Come Dancing Argentine Tango to Por Una Cabeza? Nope. The dance mainly consisted of Tom Chambers standing completely still while his partner showed off her legs in an unconvincingly slutty way. Nevertheless, one Strictly Come Dancing judge told Tom that the dance was like “moving through mercury.” We don’t know what that means exactly, but Wikipedia suggests that she might have started bleeding from gums and suddenly became depressed for no reason while watching it. Hey, us too! Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 67

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

So let’s reflect on the series so far. We’ve had new professional dancers, in the shape of Kristina and that sleazy-looking American bloke. We’ve had the biggest scandal of Strictly Come Dancing history with John Sergeant’s resignation and, in “I am not doddery, doddery I am not,” we’ve reached the part of Bruce Forsyth’s career where he discovers irony. We give it seven out of ten.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – As we all, know, Tom Chambers is only in Strictly Come Dancing for one reason, and that’s because of his ability to pull facial expressions that make him look like Mr Bean in a centrifuge. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if Tom is going to win Strictly Come Dancing, he needs to make sure that his partner is just as committed to the art of pulling bizarre, borderline-nightmarish faces as he is. And, heavens, did she ever pull it out of the bag on Saturday’s show.

We’re not talking about Tom’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine – a Rumba to You Needed Me that was so overwhelmingly lacking in any kind of intimacy that it at times looked like a little boy being forced to dance with his auntie at a family reunion, apart from the part at the end where Tom got to bury his face in her tit, which probably doesn’t happen too often in the aunt/nephew dynamic – but his first dance. That was a Foxtrot to Here You Come Again, and Tom Chambers’ partner managed to blow away the competition in terms of face-pulling by doing a perfect impression of a village idiot winning a milk bottle cap at a summer fete. It was beautiful – so beautiful that it actually made Tom Chambers cry. It was definitely his partner’s face that did that. Definitely. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 73

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

But don’t be miserable, because Strictly Come Dancing still has an hour and a half of screentime to fill up on Saturday, and there are only four dancers left. You know what that means? Twelve dances each and training montages that last until everyone wants to kill themselves. Hooray!

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – In the week leading up to Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Tom Chambers got the flu and lost his voice, something that seemed to transform him into Marco Pierre White for no reason we could properly ascertain. But since Jodie Kidd was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing in her week of illness, Tom trained extra hard to make sure that he didn’t repeat her fate. And so, for his Waltz to Moon River, Tom Chambers knuckled down, rehearsed his socks off and even wore a special long jacket just to make himself look even more dashing than usual. Did it work?

No, because – although we didn’t really notice it – the Strictly Come Dancing judges quickly leapt on the fact that Tom’s arse stuck out like a baboon with haemorrhoids farting at the moon. We’re paraphrasing. And Tom Chambers’ second Strictly Come Dancing routine didn’t fare any better, because he had to follow Austin Healey’s roaring, over the top, overcompensatingly macho Paso Doble. And he followed it with a Samba to Mr Melody – literally the campest dance anyone has ever attempted to literally the campest song ever recorded. True, it did look like a professional dance – it’s just that the professional dance in question was the Regional East Anglia Latin Disco Quarter Finals 1976. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 70

Next week – more!

We’re getting towards the end of Strictly Come Dancing now and, as such, only the strongest competitors are left in the running. Well, the strongest competitors and Christine Bleakley, who is clearly worse than everyone else but keeps getting voted through by the public. We think that means she’ll have resigned by Friday.

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Tom Chambers danced a Tango to Please Mr Brown. But smiley old Tom needed to learn how to get the fire for the performance, so he inexplicably went to the set of Holby City. Funny, we thought he wanted to learn passion, not how to be really bloody mediocre and shit and not even as good as Casualty. Did the Holby visit help Tom? Maybe – his performance was snappy and sharp and full of enough drama to convince the audience that he actually hates his partner.

However, what we think Tom Chambers really took from the Holby trip was how to do a proper Tango face – it appears that to do that you have to smear dogmuck around the inside of your nostrils, imagine that your hairy-faced auntie is trying to kiss you on the lips and think about how much you’re offended by the homeless. Honestly, the face was unbelievable. The Strictly Come Dancing judges said “I wouldn’t mind coming to your hospital for a little bit of slapping, I loved it!… The only thing it lacked was some moments of stillness,” but none of them mentioned the face. Seriously. Imagine an uptight waiter at a fancy restaurant catches you trying to dislodge gunk from under your toenail with a fishknife on the table. Imagine the face he’d pull. That’s the face that Tom Chambers pulled. Bravo, Tom. Bravo. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey.

Although yesterday John’s resignation may have felt like a punch to the stomach for everyone who enjoys looking at Bruce Forsyth’s anguished face, we need to face the facts. In the cold light of day, all that’s happened is a fat man has left a TV show about dancing. That’s all. Besides, ironic voters shouldn’t be too upset – there’s still Jodie Kidd.

Anyway, this is a sort of vaguely obituary-themed set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers, who nobody really cares about today…

John Sergeant – Even though he left Strictly Come Dancing, there’s no doubting the intelligence that he showed on Saturday’s show. Over the last few weeks, John managed to lower public expectation of him to the extent that if he actually managed to string two or three steps together in the right order, he’d look like a bloody genius. And, during Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to True Love Ways, that’s exactly what he did. It was a return to the old charming, lovely, slightly touching John Sergeant of the first Strictly Come Dancing, and that seemed to confuse everyone. Not least the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who could only blurt out “For the first time tonight, John, I really got what other people see in you. It was quite endearing,” in something approximating astonishment. But let’s not mourn John Sergeant too much. He was shit, wasn’t he? Strictly Come Dancing score – 25

Tom Chambers – Tom Chambers has his sights set so firmly on the Strictly Come Dancing prize that he’s become that most despised of characters – the efficient professional. Take Saturday’s dance, for example – Tom danced the Salsa to Pa Goza Con Fruko and so, in training, got some Salsa experts in to teach him. The training worked and the performance was fast and intricate and convincing and, even though he tried to liven things up with an arse-slap or two and a shimmy that made him look a bit like one of Harry Enfield’s scousers, ultimately it was a nice, good, brutally neat performance. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought it was good, too, but not enough to make them say anything particularly memorable, and he went safely through to next week’s show. Feh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week: More Strictly Come Dancing recaps. Woo.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

Tom Chambers – If you read the newspapers last week, you could be forgiven for assuming that Tom Chambers smashed his skull into jelly on a brick wall during training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to A Town Called Malice, However, it turns out that all the froth-mouthed reporting was slightly off. Rather than an exploded head, all Tom Chambers ended up with was a scratch on his arm and enough concussion to make him pull an impressive array of hopelessly unsuitable faces during his routine. Although most of it was sweeping and dynamic, Tom was allowed his own little solo moments at the start and finish of his performance, in which he took the opportunity to spanner around like a kid off his face on blue Smarties. The Strictly Come Dancing judges told him that “it was like watching jumping jack flash. So on the timing – unbelievable.” Sadly they meant the 1986 Whoopi Goldberg movie Jumpin’ Jack Flash, which absolutely isn’t a compliment at all. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Jodie Kidd – If there’s one undeniable truth about Jodie Kidd – other than the fact she’s an unbearably posh idiot who got caught dealing cocaine once – it’s that on Strictly Come Dancing she’s good at slow dances and crap at fast ones. And, on this week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd danced the Samba to an old Tom Jones song. And, as you would have guessed, it was crap. Jodie and her partner deserve some credit for trying to disguise how crap it was by lobbing gimmicks into the routine like crazy – we were particularly fond of the pretend maracas and the bit where Jodie’s partner thrashed furiously at her dress with his hands like he’d lost a contact lens in her minge – but in reality it was drab and halfhearted and the Strictly Come Dancing judges concurred, adding “you crucified that Samba, no real bounce action… limp.. very sticky rolls.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

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But first, let’s take another look at how close Len Goodman is getting to his full-scale nervous breakdown. This week, we’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter how much he slags off the dancers, he never gives them a score below six. Our bet is that at some point soon, the two warring sides of Len’s personality will break loose of each other, causing him to open a spooky hotel and kill everyone. We’ve seen Psycho. We know how it works.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

Cherie Lunghi – After she nearly toppled over during her dance last week, Cherie Lunghi had it all to play for on Saturday with her Salsa to Oye Mi Canto. However, the Salsa is a young person’s dance and Cherie Lunghi is nothing like a young person. So Cherie built the routine from the ground up using some impeccable logic. The Salsa is a sexy dance. And cats are sexy animals. So to tap into the Salsa, Cherie Lunghi had to dance like a cat. And what do cats do? That’s right, they cough up hairballs. Which explains why, for the most part of her routine, Cherie Lunghi seemed to be doing some very theatrical dry-heaves. Apart from all the mock-vomiting, though, Cherie gave all the symptoms of a woman past her prime – the dancing was wet, insipid and hesitant, prompting the Strictly Come Dancing judges to say “it was exasperatingly underpowered – it wasn’t sexy or sassy or naughty, all things I’m sure you can be.” So expect Cherie to up the old HRT for next week, then. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

John Sergeant – As dumpy and hopeless as he might be, John Sergeant is emerging as something of a public hero – something demonstrated on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing by the brief montage of taxi drivers all bellowing things like “John Sergeant? Ee’s faaacking bwillyent!” It’s just as well that people like him because, as a dancer, John Sergeant is terrible. His Foxtrot to I Want To Be Loved By You was the exact same dance as he’s been doing since the start of the competition, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told him “it’s the old fox running out of tricks. She [Kristina] covers for you so well!” And speaking of Kristina – it’s OK, we get it, you think you look like Marilyn Monroe. So, you know, dancing to a Marilyn Monroe song seems a bit like overkill. What are you going to do next week? Have it off with a Kennedy and then kill yourself? Strictly Come Dancing score – 20

Tom Chambers – He might have been away with fairies last week following his wedding, but for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to I Just Died In Your Arms, Tom Chambers had to knuckle down to business. He certainly seemed like a married man during the performance – he was throwing himself into work to avoid going home and it doesn’t look like he can be bothered to shave any more – but that appeared to work for him. Aside from the fight he started within the Strictly Come Dancing judges by waggling a cape around – it was either brilliant or “like putting the cover on a duvet” depending on who you asked, the routine was surprisingly good. It was dramatic, dynamic and – best of all – Tom and his partner have inherited Don Warrington’s mantle of Strictly Come Dancing’s barmy-faced weirdos. During the dance, Tom looked pulled a face like a French waiter serving a tramp and his partner channelled the spirit of a shark trying to eat a ghost perfectly. More like this please. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens.

But before we get to that, cast your mind back a few weeks to when we pointed out that shuttling backwards and forwards between the UK and America might end up doing Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman in? We think we saw the fist signs of that on Saturday – Len was preposterously grumpy during the entire show. And we’re not even halfway through yet – he’ll do someone in with an axe by Christmas, mark our words.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Tom Chambers…

Heather Small – After labouring through two Strictly Come Dancing dance-offs in a row, Heather Small was feeling depressed and miserable before Saturday’s show, so she bucked up her ideas the only way she knew how – by playing a concert. It was a smart move – the only people who are depressed and miserable at a Heather Small concert are her audiences – and it meant she could attack her Viennese Waltz to Vision Of Love with a renewed sense of purpose. To put that into English, it meant that Heather Small took off her silver jumpsuit and ridiculous afro and performed a dance that didn’t make us feel like we were suffering from an Ebola attack. And, once again, she looked as if she was enjoying it, too – almost looking as if she was about to have it off with partner at the end of the routine. The Strictly Come Dancing judges noticed this too, and told her “You were a vision of loveliness. The relationship between you two read very well.” All in all, Heather Small was one of the nicest surprises of Strictly Come Dancing so far. We give her a fortnight, tops. Strictly Come Dancing score – 27

Tom Chambers – Nobody, in all fairness, was ever expecting Tom Chambers to do very well on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. After all, he’d got married less than a week ago and was on his honeymoon preparing for a life of emotional detachment and passive aggressive nagging. However, so dedicated is Tom to Strictly Come Dancing that he shipped his partner to the hotel he was staying at and trained for the entire week with his new wife sniffing around in the background. This was all for his Viennese Waltz to Can’t Help Falling In Love With You, which was obviously just a ploy to bung him in the same natty tuxedo he wore the previous week and hope that was enough to get people to vote for him. Apparently, according to the Strictly Come Dancing judges, Mark’s routine was full of technical mistakes, but we didn’t really notice those because we were too busy squirming uncomfortably at all the gooey looks that he was exchanging with his partner throughout the routine, even though his new wife was sitting a few feet away. Urgh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd.

Why is it such a bittersweet time for us? Simple – it’s because we know that on Saturday, although we’ll get to watch several more wonderful Strictly Come Dancing routines, we’ll also have to say goodbye to one of the dancers. And that’s what really hurts. Because, really, just one? Can’t you get rid of all of them so we can get our weekends back?

Anyway, here are the final Strictly Come Dancing recaps of the week, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

John Sergeant – So far, John Sergeant has managed to get this far on Strictly Come Dancing through sheer power of charm, escorting his partner around the dancefloor like a proud father. But on Saturday John had to dance a Samba, which clearly suits him as well as a baseball cap and hoody would. So, to prepare for this assault of Latin passion, John was introduced to hundreds of Brazilian women in peacocky headgear and tiny underwear – an act which left his shirt covered in sweat, the randy old sod. But the dance itself was a bit harder to describe, because rather than an actual samba it was just the same routine that he’d been doing for his ballroom, with the added inclusion of a gruesome wiggly bit in the middle. It was as slow as it was confusing, and about as Latin as a pickled herring, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges gave him what-for for it. “This is supposed to be a party dance. There’s more fun in a party conference.” In all, John Sergeant got the worst Strictly Come Dancing score of the night – even less than the man who nearly smashed his partner’s skull into dust on the floor. That’s something to be weirdly proud of, we think. Strictly Come Dancing score – 16

Tom Chambers – Face it, Tom Chambers could have shat on his partner’s chest on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing and he still wouldn’t have come within a million miles of the dance-off. That’s because Tom Chambers got married on Sunday, and so his entire Strictly Come Dancing intro was all about the wedding and how much he loved his fiance and blah blah ick – which, scientifically, is more likely to win the hearts of all the middle-aged women watching the show that a basket of kittens being held by Cliff Richard in a tuxedo. Nevertheless, Tom Chambers managed to pull off an American Smooth to Chicago that was completely on the money. It was zippy and smooth and snappy and all the other adjectives you’d expect us to use for a successful American Smooth, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges wet themselves over it, saying “I know your goal is to beat Austin. No question tonight, you’ve done it.” Just as well, really because now that he’s married the rest of Tom Chambers’ life is bound to be filled with unquestionable misery. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

More Strictly Come Dancing recaps next week. Gosh, we can hardly wait.

Now we’re in the middle of the week, it’s naturally time to look forward to next Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, when the girls have another crack at proving their worth to everyone? All-girl nights on Strictly Come Dancing are always a bittersweet affair – women tend to be better dancers, but they’re absolutely hopeless at stomping about like a rapist like the boys do – but we’re sure they’ll suck it in and do their best.

But before any of that, we have to finish up our look at the Strictly Come Dancing boys, so here’s our recap for Tom Chambers and Don Warrington…

Tom Chambers - We’ll be the first to admit here that we don’t get Tom Chambers. We don’t know who is, for a start, or what he does. Or, come to think of it, why he struts around with such a cocky sense of self-entitlement all the time. Worst of all, though, we can’t see why everyone on Strictly Come Dancing loves him so much. On Saturday Tom Chambers did a Jive to Black And Gold that, to our eyes at least, didn’t make any sense at all. It seemed like it was completely out of time and stumbly, almost like a stag night version of a Jive. At points, Tom Chambers even seemed to regress to imitating those waggly-fingered inflatable men you see outside car showrooms. Despite this though, the Strictly Come Dancing judges almost had a collective orgasm over the routine. “You are carrying the flag for the boys,” they told him. And we really don’t understand why. There can only be one of two reasons for this. Either a) everyone was too transfixed by the way Tom’s partner was wearing a pikey Christmas tree as an outfit, or b) Tom’s got a set of career-destroying photos of each of the Strictly Come Dancing judges. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Don Warrington - Don Warrington was in the dance-off after his first attempt at a Strictly Come Dancing routine, and this seemed to strike the fear of God into him for Saturday. So much so that his partner even called him ‘a machine’ during training. A bit of a crappy, fat machine that isn’t particularly good at dancing and can only talk about Kenco Arabica beans with any authority, but that’s beside the point. Don Warrington’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Tango to What Lola Wants that was almost completely featureless. Throughout the performance, Don and his partner hardly let go of each other, and we’d have forgotten about it entirely had it not been for Don’s face – he looked utterly repulsed by everything he was doing, and seemed to be dreaming up some sort of frenzied stabbing rampage. However, it was slightly better than his first go, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges reflected that in their comments. “That was a fantastic routine,” they said. Which proves what we bloody know, doesn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

That’s all the Strictly Come Dancing recap action for this week, but we’ll have all kinds of Strictly Come Dancing nonsense for you on Monday.

On yesterday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Phil Daniels was thrown out after the dance-off. It’s not a tremendous surprise – his waltz to I Have Nothing was utterly devoid of interest apart from the way that his partner had a couple of ferrets stapled to his arms and at one point he looked a bit like a butler running for his life through a rat infestation – but he’ll be sadly missed. Well, not sadly. And he’s not going to be missed much, either. Oh well.

But who the hell does that leave in Strictly Come Dancing? And how did they do this weekend? Here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers and Don Warrington…

Tom Chambers - It’s actually the law that every series of Strictly Come Dancing must feature someone from Holby City who we wouldn’t recognise even if they came up to us screaming the Casualty theme-tune (just in case we didn’t know the Holby City theme-tune, which we don’t) and slapped us in the head with a DVD of them titting about in an ambulance. And this year Strictly Come Dancing chose Tom Chambers, who we only believe is a celebrity because we hate the thought of our licence fee funding a lie. Anyway, Tom Chambers’ debut Strictly Come Dancing jaunt was a Cha Cha Cha to Nowhere To Run, which was successful only in instantly vapourising whatever glimmer of sex appeal he had by letting him dance like a self-conscious middle-aged mum (not a dad) at a wedding. Not a great start, but since we don’t even know who Tom Chambers is, we won’t pretend that we care very much. Strictly Come Dancing score – 28

Don Warrington – Apparently we know Don Warrington from Rising Damp, although obviously that’s bollocks – he’s the man from the Kenco adverts who gets his knickers in such a furious twist about arabica beans that he looks like he’s about to shit out his kidneys. Anyway, none of that matters on Strictly Come Dancing. What does matter, though, is that Don Warrington thinks too much during training, and this is wrong. Everyone knows that dancers don’t don’t think, they feel. Or, if they’re women, they wedge themselves into a shard of spandex and pray that their unavoidably prominent cameltoe takes everyone’s mind off the fact that they’re doing a terrible job. But anyway, on Saturday Don Warrington’s debut Strictly Come Dancing performance was a Cha Cha Cha to Let’s Groove Tonight that was like watching a homeless man do a mating dance for his own reflection in a shop window. But it’s not all bad, because at least Don had the self-awareness to look thoroughly disgusted with himself from beginning to end. Strictly Come Dancing score – 19

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healy and Mark Foster.