Gisele and Tom Brady are the new Brad and Angelina – which at least means we can ditch the old Brad and Angelina.

But the comparison is apt. Gisele and Tom Brady have got Brad and Angelina’s model good looks, plus they’ve got a kid that’s not completely theirs, plus – and here’s the dealbreaker – they’ve both got a violent hatred for paparazzi.

How violent? Enough for their security guard to allegedly fire a gun at a couple of photographers outside Gisele and Tom Brady’s second wedding ceremony this weekend. Fair enough – God forbid Gisele should ever be photographed actually wearing clothes.

When a professional sportsman like Tom Brady marries a supermodel like Gisele, two things are guaranteed – firstly, any children they have will be preposterously beautiful. And secondly, 97% of their conversations will be about their own hair, with the remaining three percent being used up trying to remember how to pronounce the word ‘hair’.

So if you were either Gisele or Tom Brady, how would you choose to pass the time without looking like a couple of lumbering, medically braindead cackheads? Remember that you can’t have sex, because you’re so stupid that the last time you tried to have sex you spent three hours trying to stick it inside your own ear before giving up and crying. That’s right – you’d pass the time by getting married all the time.

Although Gisele and Tom Brady already got married once in February, this weekend they decided to get married again. But at least Gisele and Tom Brady made the two weddings different – the first was in Malibu, the second was in Costa Rica; the first was small and private, the second was larger; the first didn’t contain any moronic, potentially-fatal gunfire, the second one, um, did.

According to reports, a pair of paparazzi covering the Gisele/ Tom Brady wedding ‘narrowly escaped death’ after a security guard started firing a gun at them. The Telegraph reports:

Security guards for the wedding spotted two paparazzi taking photographs of the nuptials from a bush. The security guards rounded up the men and brought them up to Bundchen’s villa. However, the men refused and decided to make a run for it. They jumped into a waiting SUV, which one of the guards allegedly fired at. They men claim the bullet broke the rear window and bounced off the windshield.

Move over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – the best you can do is pay people to choke photographers with their hands, but it takes a special sort of power couple to actually try and mortally wound the paparazzi.

The only real problem left is how Gisele and Tom Brady will be able to top this next time they get married. SPOILER ALERT – we hear they’ve already ordered 15 cagefuls of radioactive death monkeys. As soon as they’ve trained them to drive exploding tanks, wedding number three will be GO!

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Guest blog! Amy Grindhouse!

The leggy Brazilian must have baked in the sun too long, or perhaps ingested too much toxic fake bake, as she seemed a little confused.

In a world where money and celebrity clout can easily buy your way around the adoption process and reality is nothing but a distant dream, perhaps it is no real surprise that Gisele has no idea whom she has given birth to recently.

In Vanity Fair, as quoted in brief by OK! Magazine, Gisele claims not to know that her stepson John Edward Thomas Moynahan is not actually her own flesh and blood.

In an episode which one could conceivably attribute to a prolonged dizzy spell brought on by a lack of carbs, the well known stunner claimed that husband Tom Brady’s love child with Bridget Moynahan, born in late 2007, was “100%” hers.

After reading some of Gisele’s quotes, even I was left wondering what on earth she was talking about. Though she managed to not claim to be my mother too, I could not help but wonder. According to her, a child’s maternity has nothing to do with carrying them, but merely a close physical proximity.

Gisele elaborates and then lies down after feeling faint from the effort of stringing so many words together, by saying that she loves Tom Brady’s child “as if he were [her own].”

She also calls John “my child” and mentions that she “[felt] like he was [her] son, from the first day.” Yikes.

Gisele trying to get her grubby mitts on baby John might be the latest well-manicured slap in the face for Bridget, who did not even get a look in, once the ‘boobs from Brazil’ appeared over the horizon.

In late 2006, Tom essentially tossed aside his newly preggers partner and fell head over heels with his new piece of South American arm candy.

From OK! Magazine Gisele says of the situation:

“I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he’s my son, from the first day. He’s a little angel – the sweetest, most cuddly, loving baby. I feel blessed to have him in my life… It was definitely a surprise for both of us. In the beginning, you’re living this romantic fantasy; you’re thinking this can’t be true, it’s so good! And then, whoops – wake-up call!”

Models are not all stupid, though some make it seem that way. You only have to stand back and attempt to take in the magnificent glory of Tyra Banks’ all-powerful ‘five head’, to see that beauty and brains often do mix.

Although Gisele is not yet accustomed to even the thought of birthing a little one, and stretching all kinds of uncomfortable and unmentionable places, you would think that she would have the fortitude of mind to work out that she cannot just call “shotgun” or whatever and claim a baby for herself… right?

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who couldn’t be any more wonderful if she was made of pies.

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Well, you can relax now. There’s a brand-new intimidatingly good-looking celebrity couple in town, and – best of all – it looks like they’d both struggle to work zips unless they went on a four-month training course beforehand. That’s right – Gisele and Tom Brady have got married.

Gisele and Tom Brady got married last night in Santa Monica, and shattered all kinds of marriage conventions in the process, like ‘never get married on a Thursday’ and ‘try not to make your wedding cartoonishly dull’.

Tom Brady came in for a lot of grief when he started going out with Gisele – although that tends to happen when you leave your pregnant wife for a supermodel – but in retrospect it seems like a staggeringly good move.

After all, now he’s with Gisele it’s going to be difficult for Tom Brady to callously trade up like that again. Because, you know, who’s better looking than Gisele? Apart from one of those other supermodels who don’t look like they’ve had a plank of woodchip stapled to their chin, obviously. Oh. We’ve spotted the flaw in his plan. Bum.

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Gisele and Tom Brady need their honeymoon period before Tom Brady starts scouting around for women to cheat on her with – and, unusually, Gisele and Tom Brady are literally going to spend their honeymoon period on honeymoon. Because, you see, Gisele and Tom Brady got married last night.

And we’re thrilled for the pair of them. Really. Because nobody does high-flying romance quite like Gisele and Tom Brady. Did you hear the story of how Tom Brady proposed to Gisele? Get your tissues ready, because this is just gorgeous. Take it away, source close to the couple:

“He asked and she accepted.”

Wow. Wow. Take that, men of the world. It doesn’t matter how you plan to propose to your girlfriend – a trip to Paris, a ring dropped into a glass of champagne, sky-writing – you’ll know deep in your heart that you’ll never match up to Tom Brady in terms of unrivalled spectacle. You’re a failure. You make us sick.

And this almost-florid taste for romance even stretched to Gisele and Tom Brady’s wedding last night in Santa Monica. People reports:

Tom Brady & Gisele Bündchen quietly got married in a small, private ceremony in Santa Monica, Calif. on Thursday, sources tell PEOPLE. They followed the wedding with a small gathering at their Brentwood home.

That’s sweet – we hear that Gisele and Tom Brady’s wedding had a ‘funeral of an unloved spinster’ theme, in which full marks to them. They really hit that theme out of the park.

So far there’s no word on how Gisele and Tom Brady plan to spend their honeymoon although, if it’s anything like as white-knuckle as their engagement or wedding, we wouldn’t rule out a dust particle-counting expedition inside a cupboard on an industrial estate in Swindon. Those kids do know how to party, after all.

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So you won’t be able to imagine how fuzzy we feel now we’ve learnt that supermodel Gisele Bundchen, a woman so far out of our league that we barely qualify as the same species as her, has got engaged to Tom Brady – a professional athlete who could undoubtedly beat us in a fight even if we were armed and he wasn’t.

Congratulations to Tom and Gisele, then – may your children be just as attractive as you but somehow take their intellect from a better-equipped third party.

Celebrities and athletes do make lovely couples, don’t they. There’s David and Victoria Beckham, who have been married for almost a decade while only notching up a handful of rumoured affairs. Then there’s Ashley and Cheryl Cole, who have been married for two years while only notching up a handful of rumoured affairs. And then there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, who aren’t married and haven’t had any affairs but only because they seem quite stupid and possibly have to constantly relearn the concept of ‘marriage’ and ‘affair’ with flashcards and repetition games every couple of days to stop them getting confused.

And now we can add Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady to that list. You know who they both are, of course – Gisele is the supermodel who used to go out with Leonardo DiCaprio and will only work for Euros, while Tom Brady is the New England Patriot quarterback who got his girlfriend pregnant and then legged it because a supermodel signalled that she might want to sleep with him.

Anyway, what we’re trying to say is that Gisele and Tom Brady have just got engaged. And we’re telling you this because of the wonderfully romantic story behind Tom Brady’s proposal. Honestly, your heart will sing for weeks after hearing it. People reports:

“He asked and she accepted,” a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE.

Oh, the romance! He asked… and she accepted! It’s like we’re in a fairytale or something! We’re giddy just thinking about it! He asked… and she accepted! What are the chances of something like that happening?

But calm down, because there’s more – apparently Gisele and Tom Brady now have to decide whether they want a big wedding that’s full of wankers with eating disorders, or something that won’t sell as well to the magazines. Back to People:

“The couple is discussing a huge fashionista event in the spring or a more intimate and quicker ceremony in Costa Rica, where Gisele has a home.”

But, whatever they choose, we hope that Gisele and Tom Brady are happy together. And, less realistically, that they remain happy together after their looks fade and they’re forced to rely on personality to get them through. We wouldn’t hold our breath for that, mind you.

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