Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.

That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.

And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.

What nearly pushed Louis into the abyss is the recent accusation from the marvellously monickered Leonard Watters, who said that the  X Factor judge groped him one on the nuts in the latrines of a Dublin nightclub. If you didn’t know, it turns out Watters was making it up and got himself prosecuted for making false claims.

Not that this made Louis feel much better. Even after his name was cleared, he stared at himself in the mirror, pulled down on his sagging face and thought ‘I think I’ll let this ordeal stay with me for the duration of my life’.

He melodramatically says:

“I’ve changed forever. This has made me physically ill. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost so much weight that my suits don’t even fit me anymore. I can’t even get a proper night’s sleep, so I’m exhausted. When I drift off I suddenly wake up in a blind panic. The panic attacks are awful. I have to calm myself down and say, ‘It’s over, I’m going to be OK’.”

As many of you will know, there is no darkness that can cloud a soul like the one that manifests itself in the form of a cheap suit that is suddenly too big for you. The loose waistband, pulled taut, acts as a very real metaphor for the yawning chasm in your heart… that clawing emptiness that may never be filled.

Unless you get some pies in you.

On the night of the allegations, he thought about topping his little self:

“I locked myself in my hotel room in London. I wouldn’t speak to anyone … I was devastated. That night in the Kensington Hotel I did think about a way out. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever considered ending it. I was serious. Even today I’m still a shell of my former self. The pressures this business brings are immense. With good you get bad so I’m going to be suspicious of everyone I meet now. I have good days and bad days. I’m questioning everything now. I think time will heal it all right but I’ll never be me, the old person that I was, ever again.”

So is the claptrap of yore gone? Are we about to see a new, reserved, hollowed out husk compared to the old Louis who would open his mouth without thinking when talking about things that don’t concern him?

Yeah. Right. Literally hours after showing everyone where he would slit his wrists, if he meant it, Walsh promptly went about gossiping about Cheryl Cole’s lovelife.

Louis says, seemingly forgetting the enveloping darkness in his heart:

“I knew she would get back with Ashley. I think he loves her and she loves him. I think they will be happy. If they got married again I’d be at the wedding.”

Unless you chuck yourself off a motorway bridge, right?

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Louis Walsh was recently accused of indecent assault in a nightclub toilets in Dublin. That’s great isn’t it? All indecent assaults seem to take place in toilets. It must be something to do with the wonderful bouquet given off by urinal cakes.

Anyway, some fella has said that Walsh went for his groin and it was all very distressing for him, more distressing when you consider how much money could be made from accusing a celebrity of such a thing, especially one that everyone assumes to be a homosexual.

However, the case against Louis has been dropped, following an investigation into the alleged incident. Legally speaking, the man’s genitalia didn’t at all remind Walsh of a ‘young Lenny Henry’.

Basically, if you missed the story, a 24-year old man said that the X Factor judge “molested him” in a nightclub toilet. However, the cheeky wag has now been arrested by the Gardai on suspicion of knowingly making a false report to the police.

Walsh, looking confused and simple, says:

“I have been informed by An Garda Síochána that I am now no longer under investigation. I have robustly maintained from the outset that this alleged incident did not occur.”

“While I obviously welcome today’s confirmation from the Garda that the matter has been dropped I remain outraged that this story ran in the first place in The Sun and I have instructed my libel lawyer to vigorously pursue legal action against the paper.”

Damn. We wanted to make jokes about the lad in question enjoying it. Don’t take legal action against us Louis. We write jokes, not news stories. Okay?

“I have no intention of letting this matter rest until I have received total and absolute vindication. This has been a hugely distressing time for me but I would like to thank all my friends and colleagues for their support and I am now just looking forward to getting back to work.”

Christ. Calm down lad.

Speaking of the incident, a source added:

“Louis has been living under a cloud – it has been a nightmare and he has been in tears.”

In tears? Bloody hell Louis, that sounds stereotypically [joke removed under advice from hecklerspray's lawyers]

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Louis Walsh, of X Factor and impresario behind Westlife and Boyzone, is a man much mocked. Firstly, he’s mocked for his terrible taste in music. Secondly, he’s quite clearly in the middle of very long nervous breakdown. Thirdly, everyone likes to point at him and say ‘gay’.

Now, with a combination of the stresses of fame, the assumed mental illness and his presumed closeting himself, it is surprising that someone hasn’t alleged that Walsh has touched them inappropriately before.

But now they have! Hurray! And better yet, it has allegedly happened in the toilets of a nightclub, which is textbook tabloid scandal fodder.

Before we get going, let us just get this legal bit out of the way as qualifier and safeguard to any future jokes which may come across as scurrilous libel. *clears throat* Louis Walsh has ‘vigorously denied’ allegations that he indecently assaulted a young man at a nightclub in Dublin. The Sun said it first, so sue them.

Okay? Good.

Anyway, the police are investigating Walsh after some fella claimed that Louis Walsh grabbed him by the balls in the toilets of a club called Krystle.

The chap in question says that Walsh groped his privates, which is nice. It’s just a different way of shaking hands isn’t it? Or maybe the 24 year old single father had a bit of water on his groin regions which Walsh was simply trying to dry for him. Repeatedly. Until he got hard.

That said, Walsh isn’t happy about this at all. In fact, he’s vowed to fight all the way to defend his name, whatever that means.

Walsh says:

“The allegations made against me are wholly false and with no foundation. I will happily cooperate fully with the police and am 100 per cent confident that after a full investigation I will be fully exonerated.”

He then hoped to see a black policeman so he could say ‘you remind me of a young Lenny Henry’.

The Gardai will be very interested in this case because, as well you know, homosexuality is still outlawed in Ireland unless you’re wearing priest robes and the groped is under the age of sexual consent, in which event, it is actively encouraged.

We can only hope that the chap Louis is alleged to have fondled appears as a hopeful on the new series of The X Factor, mainly because the incredible pain and awkwardness would make for brilliantly grisly television for us braying simpletons.

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Three weeks ago Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sent to jail for defrauding strangers out of their savings.

And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

Fate’s a bugger, isn’t it? One minute you’re living the high life, mixing with world leaders and filmstars on expensive yachts and then going home to have it away with one of the world’s most beautiful women, and the next you’re trapped in an airless room the size of a shoebox with dozens of angry criminals all sharing the same rat-infested shower room.

That’s the fate that Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend and Vatican-based property scammer extraordinaire Raffaello Follieri has found himself in. Since he was arrested for conning rafts of gullible strangers out of millions of dollars back in June, Raffaello Follieri’s life has been plunged into a downwards spiral that’s involved being dumped by Anne Hathaway, being kept in remand because of his unusually high flight risk and, most recently, being sentenced to four and a half years in jail.

And all through this, Raffaello Follieri has taken all the blows like a man. Unfortunately he’s been taking them like an Italian man, which means that he’s done nothing but bitch about it all like a whiny little princess. He’s already said that he only started conning people so that Anne Hathaway would love him, and now he’s moved onto the state of his accommodation.

Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer has requested that her client be moved into a slightly more luxurious facility because the interim dormitory he’s being housed in is so dirty that it’s made him a little bit poorly. E! Online reports:

“He says that he cannot eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary,” attorney Flora Edwards wrote in a letter released Wednesday to Reuters. Follieri is running a fever and has blood in his urine, the letter continued. “There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable and his health is deteriorating.”

Spoiled food? Stinking, unsanitary toilets? Shit-covered, rat-infested showers? We don’t know where exactly Raffaello Follieri is being held, but we’ve got a hunch it might be Benidorm.

Anyway, we hope that Raffaello Follieri gets his wish and is moved to a slightly nicer detention centre as quickly as possible. After all, he’s in jail to be punished for a crime he committed, and he’s never going to learn how to regret his actions if he’s too busy squealing that his toilet smells like bums, is he?

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