Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.
That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.
And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.
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Louis Walsh was recently accused of indecent assault in a nightclub toilets in Dublin. That’s great isn’t it? All indecent assaults seem to take place in toilets. It must be something to do with the wonderful bouquet given off by urinal cakes.
Anyway, some fella has said that Walsh went for his groin and it was all very distressing for him, more distressing when you consider how much money could be made from accusing a celebrity of such a thing, especially one that everyone assumes to be a homosexual.
However, the case against Louis has been dropped, following an investigation into the alleged incident. Legally speaking, the man’s genitalia didn’t at all remind Walsh of a ‘young Lenny Henry’.
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Louis Walsh, of X Factor and impresario behind Westlife and Boyzone, is a man much mocked. Firstly, he’s mocked for his terrible taste in music. Secondly, he’s quite clearly in the middle of very long nervous breakdown. Thirdly, everyone likes to point at him and say ‘gay’.
Now, with a combination of the stresses of fame, the assumed mental illness and his presumed closeting himself, it is surprising that someone hasn’t alleged that Walsh has touched them inappropriately before.
But now they have! Hurray! And better yet, it has allegedly happened in the toilets of a nightclub, which is textbook tabloid scandal fodder.
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Three weeks ago Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sent to jail for defrauding strangers out of their savings.
And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.
According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.
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