toilet - HecklerSpray

You! Buy J.D. Salinger’s Toilet! For One Million U.S.!

August 23rd, 2010 By Shawn Lindseth

There’s a definite theme to the breaking news today. First we learned that Russell Brand will Queef in front of anybody or something, and now we’re learning that you, yes you – can buy a toilet that once proudly gulped down several pounds of J.D. Salinger’s dookey on a daily basis.

For the sickos out there – pictures of the crapper look pretty clean, so we we doubt you’ll be able to clone a pee monster out of any dried droplets stained under the rim. If you somehow pulled that off though – well that’d just be cool.

Would you like to know where you can buy said toilet? And for how much? The latter question basically got answered in the headline up there. The first question though – that one gets answered after the jump.

It’s on Ebay though. Just so you know.

Kevin Smith Obliterates A Toilet With His Bottom

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Observers of Kevin Smith might have noticed a change in his shape lately, in that he’s gone from ‘tubby’ to ‘perfectly spherical’.

Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.

According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.

George Michael Says Sorry For That Whole ‘Crack Arrest’ Thing

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When George Michael is caught being a dimwit in public he tends to respond with either an apology or a furious phonecall to Richard & Judy.

And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.

In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.

Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ‘son’. And you?

Britney Spears Can’t Piddle In Private

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As her conservator, Jamie Spears is keeping Britney Spears on a short leash – so short that it just about stretches to the toilet if someone goes with her.

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.