Look, OK, we know that technically Lions For Lambs was the movie that was supposed to be Tom Cruise’s redemption from all the berserko weirdness, but nobody watched that so it doesn’t count. Understood?

So instead, Tom Cruise is promoting Valkyrie by continuing his long, painful roadshow of apologies. This time, Tom has dropped in Matt Lauer to say sorry for calling him ‘glib’ during an interview three years ago. Great – maybe soon he’ll apologise for letting us waste our lives watching War Of The Worlds as well.
Tom Cruise has a message for us and, uniquely for Tom Cruise, it doesn’t involve either the phrase ‘Hail Xenu’ or a series of tiny sci-fi madman cackles. We know. Unexpected.

Instead, Tom Cruise’s message is that he’s sorry. No, really. He means it. Yes, he knows he went a little bit off-message a while ago, what with the couch-jumping and the Katie Holmes stuff and the terrifying rants about how stupid Brooke Shields was for taking drugs that stopped her wanting to hurl her baby against a wall, but that’s all in the past.

Even though all of that happened back in 2005, Tom Cruise still feels the need to make amends, and that’s why he’s spent the last couple of years apologising to Brooke Shields for being a weirdo and apologising to Oprah Winfrey for scuffing up her soft furnishings. And now, to complete the set, Tom Cruise has decided to apologise to Matt Lauer.

You’ll remember that in 2005 Tom Cruise reached the pinnacle of his batshit behaviour by being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show, turning the interview into a bewilderingly intense diatribe about psychiatric medication and calling Lauer ‘glib’ when he tried to interject.

Well, now Tom Cruise has decided that he’s sorry for that. And that’s because he’s one of the good guys, and not because he’s got that Nazi movie coming out soon that’ll either mark the start of his comeback as a serious actor or bury him forever. People reports:

Cruise… chalked up his passion at the time to “a subject matter that’s important. It’s something that’s been debated in the public, and that’s what it should be.” Yet, he also said, he came across “not as I had intended. In looking at myself, I came across as arrogant. … I didn’t communicate it in the way I wanted to communicate it. Also, that’s not the way I am. That’s not the person I am.”

It must be a weight off Tom Cruise’s mind to say all that. We know we always feel better after making squirming public apologies for things that everyone knows we still believe in, anyway.

But still, at least Tom Cruise has finally finished apologising for everything he did wrong in 2005. So now he can start apologising for things he did in 2006. And you know what that means? He’s going to visit every single household on earth and, hand on heart, tell us all how terribly sorry he is for getting off with Katie Holmes for like 15 minutes straight at his wedding.

Which is all well and good, but it’s hardly going to bring back our eyesight, is it?

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And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

It’s always nice to see people learn from their mistakes, isn’t it? Take Lynne Spears, for example. She’s made her mistakes in the past – like the time she pushed her two kids into showbusiness from an exceptionally young age at the cost of their childhood just so that she could piggyback on their fame – but you won’t see her doing anything like that again.

No sir. It may have taken one horrifying mental breakdown and a teenage pregnancy to work that out, but it doesn’t matter, because Lynne Spears will never exploit her childrens’ fame again – so much so that she’s started doing television appearances to promote her book about never exploiting her childrens’ fame again.

Lynne Spears’ book Britney Spears: A Warning From History has already made the headlines for the way that it reveals how Britney Spears lost her viginity as a child. But, worried that she might be giving a false impression that Britney is her only car-crash offspring, Lynne Spears has gone on TV to explain what a monstrous little brat Jamie Lynn Spears is as well.

Oh, we’re only kidding. It’s unfair to call Jamie Lynn Spears a monstrous little brat just because she got knocked up while she was still at school. But it’s totally cool to imply that she is by suggesting that she was too cowardly to verbally admit her pregnancy to her mother and had to resort to a scrawled note instead. So we’ll do that.

After all, it’s what Lynne Spears sort of did herself on the Today show yesterday. She said:

“I thought it was a joke… I kept waiting for the punch line. I was just truly in shock and then I started to cry. And then she started consoling me at that point.”

Actually, what Lynne Spears doesn’t understand is that it actually was just a joke. Jamie Lynn Spears – notorious prankster that she is – had in fact written the following on the back of the note:

“Punk’d! I totally just punk’d you mom. Of course I’d never get pregnant! I’m only 16 and wouldn’t dream of having sex, especially with this stupid-faced idiot. I mean, look at him. He looks like the product of decades of institutionalised incest. This couldn’t possibly be anything but a ridiculous joke.”

However, Lynne Spears took the news so badly with all the tears and the self-blame that Jamie Lynn Spears decided that, rather than admit to the joke and confuse her mother any further, she’d go and immediately get pregnant anyway, even though it’d ruin the rest of her life.

Oh Lynne Spears, if only you’d have turned the note over, life would have been so very different. Mostly in that we wouldn’t have had to keep writing about your sodding book all the bloody time.

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

People quite often describe the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce as bitter, but they couldn’t be further from the truth – Denise and Charlie shot past ‘bitter’ a long time ago and are currently somewhere between ‘psychotic’ and ‘Wagnerian’.

Believe all the allegations made about Charlie Sheen by Denise Richards and you’ll think that he’s a foul-mouthed prostitute murderer with a child porn fetish and less than sensitive manner when it comes to terminally ill cancer sufferers. And then there’s Denise Richards, who apparently divorced Charlie Sheen, ran off with her best friend’s husband, threw a laptop off a balcony at an old lady and then asked Charlie Sheen if he could send her some of his sperm. Frankly if all of these allegations are true, we’d like to marry both of the, Who wouldn’t?

Except that Denise Richards says she didn’t ask for any of Charlie Sheen’s sperm. True, at one point Denise must have loved Charlie’s sperm enough to make babies with it and – this is just speculation – drink quite a lot of it, plus there’s an email in circulation allegedly proving that Denise Richards asked Charlie Sheen for a sperm donation, but Denise definitely didn’t write it.

Denise Richards has just been appearing on the Today show, and what was meant to be a relaxed informal chat about her new reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated quickly spiralled in to all kinds of angry mad-eyed email denials. We’ve got a clip of it to show you, but first here’s People’s take on the matter:

“That e-mail is not legitimate,” Richards, 37, told interviewer Matt Lauer. “It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his … girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie [Sambora]. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.” She also said that at the time of the alleged e-mail she had just found out that her mother was dying, so she was not interested in getting pregnant – “especially with my ex-husband,” said Richards.

Bringing her own dead mother into a fight with her ex-husband? That’s pretty low, even for Denise Richards. It’s a good job she only pulled that trick once, as the video of her Today appearance shows…

Did we say once? We meant four distinct times. Our mistake.

Anyway, if this spermy email of Denise’s really has been doctored then of course she has every right to go on TV and defend herself. After all, as Denise Richards says, she’s kept totally silent about her divorce for three years now. Except for that time she did a big interview with Entertainment Tonight about her divorce, of course. And when she spoke at length to TMZ as well. And the interview she did with Larry King this week. And, you know, that whole long-running reality TV show that’s all about her and her divorce from Charlie Sheen. But that’s it. For now.

Read more:

Denise Richards: Charlie Faked E-Mail – People

Not too long ago the reformed New Kids On The Block made their first public appearance on the Today show. And after the shock of realising that they all still have fully-working sets of eyes and limbs subsided, we heard New Kids On The Block tell the world that "Music brought us back."

We presume that'd be Music O'Kneesmash. the famed Boston debt collection agent, then. Anyway, video of the New Kids On The Block Today appearance after the jump. 

Hey you! Are you a slightly odd woman in her mid-to-late thirties who can't stop living in the past because that's when you were popular and boys liked you and you didn't have a job and a screaming baby that you secretly regretted having since the moment you gave birth to it? If so, we've got some really exciting news for you – New Kids On The Block are back!

Yes, we know that you knew New Kids On The Block were back because you heard the reports and listened to the song and looked at the ropey new photo of them – but New Kids On The Block are back! They're really back! Talking and moving around and everything! 

It was perhaps the most poorly-kept secret since Jennifer Lopez's pregnancy, but New Kids On The Block made their first public appearance on the Today show this morning. Meredith Viera and the Today team kindly shuffled around their traditional swearing pensioner-heavy schedule and had the boys on to announce their new tour and album and, well, here's the new-look New Kids On The Block in all their balding, quietly-desperate glory… 

Quite the sight, huh? We especially like watching the New Kid On The Block who gets caught behind the other New Kids On The Block and keeps politely trying and failing to push his way forward. Foolish New Kid On The Block – doesn't he know that only Marky Mark's brother is allowed to talk?

Anyway, if you can't quite bear to sit through an entire video of some old men getting screamed at by some women old enough to know better, then here are the main bullet points of the New Kids On The Block reunion.

• The first reunited New Kids On The Block performance will be on the Today show on May 16.

• New Kids On The Block have been working on a new album since last summer and it'll come out in the autumn.

• They'll tour the album, but they want to focus on new material. Possibly because they're idiots who don't realise that they'll only be popular to drunk hen parties who want to screech along to Step By Step then go home.

• It's very clear that some members of New Kids On The Block really, really don't get on.

That is all.

Read more:

NKOTB Are Officially Back – Hollyscoop 

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

In the future, scrotum-faced old millionaires are going to think twice before they marry one-legged former pornstars, and it's all thanks to this divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Sure, Paul and Heather looked like a cute couple to begin with – OK, not a cute couple; more like a wonk-faced disabled lady taking her granddad out to keep his mind active – but just look at the way things have fallen apart.

The divorce has been equally acrimonious on each side. Heather Mills has accused Paul McCartney of stabbing her, plus she's done several deranged screaming television interviews about the divorce, while Paul McCartney possibly had it off with a rich American and waggled his head about like the Churchill dog a bit afterwards.

But today all the nastiness will come to an end. Yes, we know we said that a month ago when Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were supposed to finalise their divorce but couldn't stop arguing – but this time it looks like it really might be all over. As BBC News reports, the judge who decides how much cash Heather Mills gets will make his final decision today:

Sir Paul McCartney will find out later how much of his fortune he is expected to hand over to estranged wife Heather Mills in their divorce settlement. The couple failed to reach an agreement in court last month, leaving the judge to determine the final figure. Divorce experts have estimated Ms Mills could walk away with £60m of Sir Paul's estimated £825m fortune. Speculation over the sum has been rife in the press, but Mr Justice Bennet is not obliged to reveal the details.

He's not obliged to, but he probably will anyway. Today's not going to a particularly brilliant day for either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills – they're both effectively having 'shit at marriage' rubberstamped into their permanent records – but at least it means that their painful 22-month separation process will be finished.

Yeah, as if. Common consensus says that Paul McCartney will be told to pay Heather Mills £25 million today. For the average British worker that's about 834 years of wages, but for Heather Mills it's half as much as she thought she'd be getting. And that means that Heather's now far more likely to drag the divorce through an expensive, emotionally-draining and – most importantly - public appeals procedure. Joy.

Like most people, we're past caring what happens in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce any more. All we hope is that, whatever Paul McCartney has to pay, it'll be worth whatever he made letting American Idol massacre all those Beatles songs last week. Somehow, we don't think it will.

Read more:

McCartneys to learn divorce deal – BBC 

But still, Jane Fonda is mortified that she said 'cunt' live on the Today show, and she's done nothing but sincerely apologise with all her heart for corrupting a planet's moral sensibilities ever since.

OK, that's not strictly true. Jane Fonda hasn't apologised at all for saying 'cunt' on TV. But she has got her rep to apologise. Well, sort of apologise – the jist of the apology is that everyone should should shut up because Jane Fonda didn't invent the word 'cunt' – but, until someone builds some sort of cunt rehab for Jane Fonda to attend, that's probably as good as we'll get. 

There's nothing we like more than a good shitstorm, be it one initiated by a chocolate Christ or a racist bounty hunter or a young girl not wearing a seatbelt once. So we should really stand up and applaud Jane Fonda for her sterling dedication to the cause yesterday.

In case you missed it, Jane Fonda said 'cunt' on live daytime TV yesterday. And it was glorious – like when the Sex Pistols appeared on Bill Grundy, only with a self-absorbed old lady in a powersuit instead of some dirty-looking boys with excessive saliva problems. In fact, it was better than that, because the Sex Pistols said 'fuck' and Jane Fonda said 'cunt'. And cunt beats fuck. Everyone knows that. 

However, in the cold light of day things aren't so rosy. Chances are that the Today show broadcaster NBC is going to get slapped with a gigantic fine because of Jane Fonda's potty mouth. The Today show has already issued an apology for Cuntgate, and now it's Jane Fonda's turn, too.

Except that instead of Jane Fonda apologising, her rep Pat Kingsley did the apologising on Jane's behalf. And 'apology' seems like quite a strong word for what was actually said. The New York Daily News reports:

"She didn't say it to be shocking. She was just quoting the title of her scene in 'The Vagina Monologues,'" said Fonda's flack Pat Kingsley. "She didn't come up with the word." Kingsley said the "Barbarella" actress, who was scheduled to perform the play last night at Madison Square Garden, regretted using the word, insisting "it was a slip. "She certainly meant no disrespect," Kingsley said.

Of course, there's the argument that the word 'cunt' is an integral part of The Vagina Monologues – which Jane Fonda was ostensibly on air to discuss – so it's only natural that the word should crop up. Plus it's in The Canterbury Tales, and if it's good enough for Chaucer, it's probably good enough for the Monster In Law lady.

But, still, we expect that there's still more of this backlash (cuntlash?) to come from the offended majority. However, should Jane Fonda have the balls to ride it out without apologising properly, it could open up a brand new set of career opportunities for her.

And let's face it, that L'Oreal skincare advert that Jane Fonda does would be so much better if it ended with her saying "I'm 68, you fucking shitbags," wouldn't it. Wouldn't it? Hello?

Read more:

Jane Fonda apologizes for off-color slang on 'Today' show – NY Daily News 

Cunt. Jane Fonda just said 'cunt' on live TV.

Jane Fonda, lord bless her, was on the Today show this morning talking about The Vagina Monologues. And instead of saying 'fanny' or 'minge' or 'vagina' or 'tumpsy', Jane Fonda went right out and said 'cunt'. And nobody even noticed for a while. 

Video? Of course we've got video. 

Old people are so much fun. Not just because they complain about everything and sometimes fall over in the street, but because when an old person swears it is the greatest gift that this Earth has to offer. And we're in the middle of a veritable golden age of swearing oldies at the moment.

Not so long ago Diane Keaton said 'fuck' on live TV because she was so overwhelmed by another woman's lips. But that's nothing. Anyone can say 'fuck' on TV and get away with it. But 'cunt'? It takes some real balls to say 'cunt' on live TV. And Jane Fonda is the woman with those balls.

For a woman primarily famous for taking her clothes off in slow motion in space, Jane Fonda has carved out something of a niche for herself as a firebrand. Jane Fonda has shouted about George Bush, she's taken Lindsay Lohan to task for being a bit of a dick and she's mumbled apologetically about a war that happened decades ago.

But that's not what Jane Fonda will be remembered for. No. Jane Fonda will be remembered as the old lady who said 'cunt' live on the Today show. 

Oh, we've kept you in suspense for long enough – here's the Jane Fonda Cuntgate video from the Today show earlier today…

Now, although neither of the other women sitting on the sofa seemed to even bat an eyelid at jane Fonda for saying the worst word in all the world, Today host Meredith Viera quickly scarpered onscreen to be more apologetic than any human has ever been since the dawn of time:

"We were talking about The Vagina Monologues and Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don't say on television. It was a slip and obviously she apologizes, and so do we. We would do nothing to offend the audience. So please accept that apology."

Despite the apology, the Today show looks like it might be in for a heavy fine thanks to Jane Fonda's dirty mouth. However, perhaps some of the heat will be taken away from the incident next week when Dame Judi Dench goes on The View and tells Barbara Walters to 'fucking stick you motherfucking fuckcunt up your nose.'

Read more:

Jane Fonda Shocks Today Show with 'C-Word' – People