Today - HecklerSpray

Tom Cruise Is Sorry For Absolutely Everything

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

In many ways, Tom Cruise sees his new movie Valkyrie as redemption for all the berseko weirdness he’s forced on us lately.

Look, OK, we know that technically Lions For Lambs was the movie that was supposed to be Tom Cruise’s redemption from all the berserko weirdness, but nobody watched that so it doesn’t count. Understood?

So instead, Tom Cruise is promoting Valkyrie by continuing his long, painful roadshow of apologies. This time, Tom has dropped in Matt Lauer to say sorry for calling him ‘glib’ during an interview three years ago. Great – maybe soon he’ll apologise for letting us waste our lives watching War Of The Worlds as well.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ Barmy Pregnancy Note Revealed On TV

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.

And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

Denise Richards Goes Bananas At Charlie Sheen Again

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ready for another round of Charlie Sheen Vs Denise Richards: Who’s The Most Confusingly Mental? You are?

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

VIDEO: New Kids On The Block On Today, Together & Zimmer-Free

April 4th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

You've been waiting for this day for years – well, probably more 'dreading' than 'waiting' but let's not split hairs – New Kids On The Block are officially back!

Not too long ago the reformed New Kids On The Block made their first public appearance on the Today show. And after the shock of realising that they all still have fully-working sets of eyes and limbs subsided, we heard New Kids On The Block tell the world that "Music brought us back."

We presume that'd be Music O'Kneesmash. the famed Boston debt collection agent, then. Anyway, video of the New Kids On The Block Today appearance after the jump.

Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Today is a momentous day – it's the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

Jane Fonda A Bit Sorry For Swearing Like A Docker On TV

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It's been a day now since Jane Fonda blurted out the C-word on live morning television and, astonishingly, the sky hasn't fallen yet.

But still, Jane Fonda is mortified that she said 'cunt' live on the Today show, and she's done nothing but sincerely apologise with all her heart for corrupting a planet's moral sensibilities ever since.

OK, that's not strictly true. Jane Fonda hasn't apologised at all for saying 'cunt' on TV. But she has got her rep to apologise. Well, sort of apologise – the jist of the apology is that everyone should should shut up because Jane Fonda didn't invent the word 'cunt' – but, until someone builds some sort of cunt rehab for Jane Fonda to attend, that's probably as good as we'll get.

VIDEO: Jane Fonda Says The C-Word On The Telly

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember a few weeks ago when Diane Keaton said the f-word on live TV? Well screw that because Jane Fonda has just gone one better.

Cunt. Jane Fonda just said 'cunt' on live TV.

Jane Fonda, lord bless her, was on the Today show this morning talking about The Vagina Monologues. And instead of saying 'fanny' or 'minge' or 'vagina' or 'tumpsy', Jane Fonda went right out and said 'cunt'. And nobody even noticed for a while.

Video? Of course we've got video.