Well this is a turn-up for the books – after a fortnight of waiting for something, anything, to happen, Celebrity Big Brother just got exciting.

On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.

But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…

Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we’re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we’re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don’t know.

Coolio – This year’s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show’s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He’s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody’s one-armed lesbian mother, and he’s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that’s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio’s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.

LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won’t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she’s done arse-all else.

Michelle Heaton – OK, we’ll come out and say it. We don’t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That’s not to say that we think she’s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she’ll become so dehydrated that the only way she’ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that’s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.

Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.

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With four housemates up for nomination, this week’s Celebrity Big Brother eviction could go either way.

Well, we say either way. It’s unlikely to go the way we want it to go, which involves Mutya, Michelle, Tina and Ulrika all being evicted and the remaining housemates being set on fire. But, within the parameters of the law, the Celebrity Big Brother eviction could go either way.

Yesterday we looked at the eviction chances of Mutya and Ulrika, and today we’re going to have a butchers at Tina Malone. Excited? Good.

Tina Malone – There’s a very good reason why Tina Malone got more nominations that anyone else this week, even more than Coolio. And that reason, like you need to be told, is that Tina Malone is an exceptional arsehole. Loud, lacking any visible signs of self-awareness – instead she seems to possess awareness of a sort of supermodel version of Oscar Wilde – and so professionally Scouse that we keep involuntarily checking our pockets every time she’s on screen, Tina Malone is one of Celebrity Big Brother‘s biggest irritants. An eviction tomorrow night would shock her more than any of the housemates, but let’s be honest. If the Liverpudlian territorial pride is enough to get terrifying ventriloquist’s dummy Ray Quinn through to the X Factor final, it’s easily enough to breeze Tina Malone through this first eviction nomination. More’s the pity. She really does seem like a turd.

Tomorrow: Michelle Heaton.

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Today’s Celebrity Big Brother update: nothing happened. Nothing happened and, at this rate, nothing is going to happen. Ever.

But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

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