Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.

For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.

For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

A remake is one thing – it takes the setting of the original, reworks it usually in a daft way, misses the point of the first film and then craps out an unrecognisable lump of cud where once stood a thoroughly recognisable lump of cud.

A remake of a film where the soundtrack is the most celebrated aspect of it is another thing altogether, especially when someone like Timbaland is on-board to re-jig the whole thing. Yes, the man seems capable of making anything a hit, but that’s because he makes the music he is involved with incredibly devoid of substance, vapid and generally appealing to the lowest common denominator through sheer weight of simplicity.

Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Bee Gees, only less terrifying and high-pitched. In other words; it’s a great idea – go for it!

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, won’t be involved to flex his creative muscles – even if they are just as withered as Timbaland’s. No, the high-panted king of Television For Morons is sure to be involved for far more benevolent reasons. Namely: the fact that it will make him at least four shitloads of money.

Why do we know this? Because it will apparently have everybody’s favourite “less character than an actual Action Man doll” actor Zac Efron fronting the new Saturday Night Fever.

That’s a manchild second only to Robert Pattinson in the ‘making little girls and spinsters part with their cash’ stakes, so it’s yet another licence to print moolah for Cowell and co.

A source told The Sun newspaper:

“Simon has been looking into buying the rights for years and opened discussions with Robert about the remake.

“The charm offensive has been in full swing and they made a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”

No one knows when the film will be out, who else will be in it or how much of a direct rip-off of Step Up 2: The Streets it will be. Though hecklerspray hopes it will be a massive rip-off of the aformentioned classic of cinema.

We really need to get into this “making stuff to get a lot of money” business. It seems easy enough.

Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”

Ends up she wasn’t into us – probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers – the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather – we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.

Seriously – we are so lonely.

Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.

Timbaland is so lucky. He found love, and now he has to be married to it.

Marriage is the new black in the world of hip hop, which would seems to explain why so many of its stars are diving in this year. 

The producer and his bride actually tied the knot earlier in the month as well, but in a style fitting of Pamela Anderson and any of her two dozen current or former husbands – they decided to have multiple weddings all over the place.

E! Online spreads the rich, creamy, second-wedding news like a dollop of butter on your breakfast wheat-toast:

"The prolific hip-hop producer tied the knot with longtime publicist and baby mama Monique Idlett in Aruba Sunday. Several hundred guests shared in the nuptial bliss, including longtime collaborator Missy Elliott, Omarion, Ginuwine, rapper Magoo and Timbaland-groomed artist Kerri Hilson, per Us Weekly, which first reported the matrimony. The 37-year-old liner-note staple, whose real name is Timothy Mosley, and the 33-year-old Idlett had been dating for two and a half years prior to the vow swap."

Did you see that though? The marriage took place in Aruba. We heard they decided to do it after a weekend of bounty-hunting Joran Van Der Sloot. All that adrenaline is enough to make anyone wax romantic.

They didn't catch him or anything – but when you find a love like that, maybe you don't have to.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

He will produce one song per month for mobile company Verizon during 2008, working with a different artist each time as he travels around the US in the Verizon Mobile Recording Studio Bus, exclusively available to all subscribers of their mobile entertainment service V Cast.

The good news is that Verizon is an American company, meaning the UK may have a Timbaland-free 2008!

Timbaland told Billboard about how much of a great pioneer Timbaland is:

“Just producing a mobile album has never been done. I'm the first to ever do it.”

Can someone please give the man a biscuit?

He then went on to explain the secret to his unstoppable creativity – any budding producers out there may want to get there notebooks out to jot this down:

“I'm just going to have fun with it. I'll just do what comes in mind. How I prepare for (the new album) is, I just do it, like any other album. The only difference is it's immediate.”

There you are guys, ‘just do it’. It’s easy when you think about it. Just force it out of your mind. Even if it seems there’s nothing there of worth, someone amongst the six billion of us humans will be probably be happy enough to buy it.

Each track will be released just days after Timbaland has finished them while a compilation album is due for release at the end of the year. The world baits its stupid breath in anticipation.

Come on Armageddon; stop fannying about and get stuck in.

Read more: 

Timbaland plans mobile-only album - BBC 

Sadly nobody's ever taken us up on the hornet thing, but at least Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are keeping their end of the bargain. Apparently Paris and Lindsay had a scrap at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party over which of them liked Timbaland more, or something.

We know. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were at a music awards party. Perhaps they were both serving drinks.

No awards show worth its salt is complete without a spot of pointless bother from a couple of vapid bell-ends, from the time that one of Westlife started a fight with the So Solid Crew at the Brits to the Pamela Anderson ex-husband scrap between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock at the MTV VMAs this summer.

Despite this, though, the Grammys were all set to go off without any incident whatsoever - Amy Winehouse let the side down by being coherent and the aftershow knife-fight between Latin Jazz Album winners Paquito D'Rivera Quintet and violently embittered losers Sammy Figueroa And His Latin Jazz Explosion never transpired – until Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan decided to have a run-in at Timbaland's pre-show Grammy party, that is. The Mirror reports:

We watched open-mouthed as Lindsay pointed at Paris and snarled: "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list." To which Paris spat back: "Fuck off you bitch."

Why all the commotion? Well, apart from Paris and Lindsay's history of phone-hacking and invisible bruise-leaving, apparently both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan want Timbaland to produce their next albums. Honestly.

Like us, you were probably hoping that Paris and Lindsay had given up their hopeless dreams of becoming credible musicians to concentrate on their full-time jobs of drink-driving and having it off with loads of men. No such luck – not only are the pair of them determined to keep churning out bad pop but they want Timbaland behind the desk even though, given his successes, putting his name on a Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan album would be a bit like paying Leonardo Da Vinci to shit a moustache across the Mona Lisa's top lip.

To Timbaland's credit, it sounds as if he'd rather choke on an antelope's nutsack than produce anything by either of them. But Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan shouldn't get downhearted – they've both got their movie careers to fall back on. After all, it takes a very special person to make a movie that opens at number 40 or gets you nominated for a Razzie in the same category twice.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton fight at Grammys party – Mirror