Simon Cowell, Timbaland and Zac Efron to Ruin More Lives: Together! Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example. Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you're left with the situation we have today. For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron. For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

Timbaland Marries Same Woman Twice In One Month – Second Time With Different Drumbeats

When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two.

Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”

Ends up she wasn’t into us - probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers - the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather - we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.

Seriously - we are so lonely.

Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.

Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’ Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together. This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act. Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

Timbaland Does Something To Do With Phones Timbaland’s quest to single-handedly dumb down the music industry to levels not seen since Rick Astley and Wham were raping the airwaves gathered more momentum today as he announced plans to produce the first album to be released via mobile phone download only.

He will produce one song per month for mobile company Verizon during 2008, working with a different artist each time as he travels around the US in the Verizon Mobile Recording Studio Bus, exclusively available to all subscribers of their mobile entertainment service V Cast.

The good news is that Verizon is an American company, meaning the UK may have a Timbaland-free 2008!

Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan: FIGHT!

There are two things in the world that could liven up the Grammys - one is to release a sack of hornets into the auditorium and the other is to watch Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a bit of a ding-dong.

Sadly nobody's ever taken us up on the hornet thing, but at least Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are keeping their end of the bargain. Apparently Paris and Lindsay had a scrap at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party over which of them liked Timbaland more, or something.

We know. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were at a music awards party. Perhaps they were both serving drinks.