Tim Urban - HecklerSpray

American Idol: Goodbye Tim Urban, You Genuinely Dreadful Man

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

With Idol Gives Back, American Idol tries to shed its evil corporate puppetmaster image and do some good.

And, last night, it did some good. By raising money for Feeding America? No. By raising money for Malaria No More? No. By raising money for the Children’s Health Fund? No. Last night on Idol Gives Back, American Idol did some good by grabbing useless reggae-singing grinning Osmond haircut Tim Urban by the scruff of the neck and jettisoning him somewhere far, far away where nobody will ever hear from him ever again.

What’s more, because Idol Gives Back was overrunning so hideously, American Idol didn’t even give Tim Urban the chance to sing his obligatory goodbye song. Truly, Idol Gives Back, the world would be a much worse place without you.

American Idol: Stevens & Garcia Bite The Big One

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Last week’s instalment of American Idol was truly nail-biting – a fat bloke almost went home but then didn’t.

Could it be topped this week? Of course it could, because last night’s American Idol was an almost completely perfect show. Not only was there a double elimination, with Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia being catapulted back to obscurity, but Tim Urban survived for yet another week and Adam Lambert turned up to sing a song AND the Ford music video featured a cover version of a Polyphonic Spree song that we used to like AND the group medley took the form of genuinely the most insulting tribute to Elvis Presley that we’ve ever seen.

Oh wait, those are all bad things, not good things. Hey, that means that American Idol wasn’t perfect at all! What an unfortunate misunderstanding on our part.

American Idol: Nobody Eliminated, Not Even Tim Urban

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Every second that Tim Urban stays on American Idol feels like an eternity of being kicked in the balls.

That’s no exaggeration. It feels like we’ve been waiting for years to see the floppy-haired, perpetually wrongheaded Osmond cyborg get eliminated from American Idol, and it still hasn’t happened yet. And we’re not the only ones. Last night it looked as if Michael Lynche was set to get the elbow from American Idol, after wheezing out a spectacularly awful version of Eleanor Rigby, but the American Idol judges put a stop to it at the very last moment.

By invoking their once-a-season Judge’s Save, the American Idol panel vetoed Michael Lynch’s elimination. That’s not because he was any good – he really wasn’t – but because they were just ticked off about Tim Urban’s continued survival. Probably. It would have been our excuse, anyway.

American Idol: Back To Obscurity With You, Didi Benami

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

American Idol had it all last night – singing, haplessly choreographed squabbling between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.

And an elimination. And last night Didi Benami‘s journey came to an end. Actually, no, that sounds a bit dramatic. Didi Benami’s journey hasn’t come to an end at all – she’s just been eliminated from American Idol. She’s still got to look forward to the parts of her journey where nobody recognises her and they visibly glaze over when she launches into another one of her dreary American Idol anecdotes and she spends the rest of her life depressed and alone and singing to her obviously disinterested cats.

In other American Idol news, Tim Urban hasn’t been eliminated yet. From this we can draw the conclusion that all Americans are genuine idiots.

American Idol: Get Out Of Town, Lacey Brown

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

American Idol may be tired and over-long and tedious and stuffed to the brim with jarring product placement.

But it knows one thing. Despite all the criticism it receives, at least American Idol knows that there’s no worse thing on Earth than an acoustic reggae performance of Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones. Apart from, you know, everything that Lacey Brown has ever said, done or thought.

Last night Lacey Brown became the first of American Idol‘s final 12 contestants to be sent home, after performing a version of Ruby Tuesday that sounded like she’d just pulled a tranquiliser dart from the back of her neck. So goodbye Lacey Brown – we’ll always remember you. Specifically we’ll always remember you as the woman who wasn’t even as good as an acoustic reggae version of Under My Thumb. Not a great obituary, is it?

American Idol: Here’s Your Final 12, Then. Sorry

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Good news, world! American Idol has picked its final 12 contestants, which means that American Idol will be over in…

What? Three months? That’s ages away! Oh, this isn’t the good news that we originally thought it was. But, hey, at least the last few weeks have conclusively shown that this is the most talented crop of contestants that American Idol has ever seen, right?

What? By common consensus this is the least-talented group of American Idol contestants in the show’s history? This news keeps getting worse and worse! Next you’ll be telling us that the winner of American Idol will end up releasing some sort of second-rate, hackily generic power ballad as their first single? WHAT? The WILL? Oh, this isn’t our day at all. Meet the American Idol final 12 after the jump…