Ouch.

It was a bad performance overall, made somewhat worse by that moment, and – for us – the pain was doubled by the fact that we watched the match in the presence of Americans, Italians, Germans and – worst of all – Scottishes.

This meant that it felt exactly like watching a re-run of Bambi with your parents when, just after the little critter begins to walk (our goal), the film is suddenly, inexplicably, replaced by Hardcore Passions Volume Two: Hairy Potter And The Prisoner Of Ass-caban (their ‘goal’).

Ah well, it’s Monday, and that means it’s time for shirking work by discussing whether David James should be the next man to flop uselessly around in goal, and by sweating underneath a feebly-spinning fan while wearing a nylon replica of John Terry‘s shirt. It’s also time for…

YOUR MANGO!

Can we get a ‘whoot’?

Firstly, American Slang, The Gaslight Anthem. These guys seem to delight in deliberately crippling themselves.

Not content with giving themselves a completely turd name, they have their publicists describe the music as “soul-inflected punk“. That’s ridiculous. American Slang has as much soul as Simon Cowell, and as much punk as Green Day‘s stamp collection.

If only they were more honest with potential listeners, they could do so much better. Perhaps future releases should be described as “mostly sound like The Jam, but sometimes they also do those bouncy pop songs like what Barenaked Ladies are so fond of“.

Okay, so we have generously recategorised them. But what about this album’s actual content?

It’s not bad. American Slang is a nice, high-tempo rocker to open with. Stay Lucky continues the fast-paced theme, but track three – Bring It On – is an attempt at a semi-balladic anthem which should have been dumped quicker than a girlfriend who makes duplicates of your keys after two dates.

After that, things pick back up again: in particular, The Diamond Church Street Choir could really generate some interest as a single, and The Queen Of Lower Chelsea is as good a take-off of Modest Mouse as we’ve heard for some time.

So this is a curate’s egg of an album. Good in parts. Here’s its thought:

So…I’m supposed to be full of punky anger? Yeah, screw the system and…oh no, wait… now it’s a touching paean to…ah, screw it.

Next.

I like punk music, happy music, indie music, college music…damnit, what the hell is this album? Take me to American Slang right now so I may find out.

Secondly, Thank Me Later, Drake. Aubrey Drake Graham is half black, half white-Jewish, and totally a nice boy from Canada.

That would be a superbly convenient hook to hang this review on if Drake were to engage all aspects of his upbrigning. Sadly (for us, and also for you), Drake merely provides a terrible, derivative, people-buy-this-sort-of-music-so-I-will do the same-thing album of hip-hop cliches.

Gods, this is really tedious. Drake’s voice is bland, toneless and tuneless.

His writing is the same: it’s like he knows that he has to be misogynistic and swear a bit, but – being a nice guy, essentially – isn’t able to work out how to do it convincingly. For example, one of the terrible lines from Shut It Down: “Put those fucking pants on and work it, girl“.

Good christ, that would embarrass even our nephew’s high school hip-hop collective (next performance: the front playground, Wednesday, 12.30).

Here’s its thought:

Okay, new hip-hop album going on here, getting great reviews, must be something really speci…WTF? Dawg, this joint is lame. Stephen Hawking‘s computer could spit better rhymes than this guy.

Pffft.

I must be some kind of rap masochist (a rapochist, perhaps?), but I’d actually quite like to go and listen to Thank Me Later.

Thirdly, Various, Now That’s What I Call The USA: The Patriotic Country Collection. You’ve got to hand it to America: they really know how to pat themselves on their collective, fat-riddled backs.

Can you imagine the great UK bands of our time releasing an album called Our Kingdom United Through Self Love And A Shared Hatred Of All That Foreign Stuff? They’d be strung up from lampposts by Polly Toynbee before they got out the first line.

Well, either that or else elf ‘n’ safety/diversity-integration Nazis would come along and order them to disband under the Poofs ‘N’ Immigrants Act, 2005 (© Richard Littlejohn).

Anyways, is this hyper-patriotic American album any good, from an independent standpoint?

No.

We can’t think of any better way to convince you than listing some of the song titles: Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue, All-American Girl, Fast Cars And Freedom, All American Country Boy, and, our favourite because of its titular wankishness and its lyrical arrogance, Bumper Of My SUV.

So, this album will not sell outside of America. And that should worry us, because those guys can flame the rest of us out of existence with the press of a button. The fact that many of their inhabitants will find this kind of thing to be inspirational should be a worrying message to all the rest of us: they are out there, they have the means, and now they just need the support.

Here’s it’s thought:

U – S – A. U – S -  A. Yeah! Oh man, we rock so hard it’s painful!!! The rest of the world’s countries (Ireland, France, Europe, Africa, Asia, and all those other lameass countries) can suck our dick! U – S – A!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, I love the US and would willingly sacrifice my tiny (almost inconsequential) penis for her victory. I demand you take me to Now That’s What I Call the USA: The Patriotic Country Collection.

Farewell for a week.

If you are a music company PR person, please feel free to fling your music here: thegibbo[at]gmail.com

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The best thing about being a rootin’-tootin’ country and western singer is that you’re allowed to offend anyone you want – just look at Tim McGraw.

Last week saw the release of a new Tim McGraw album, and Tim McGraw wants everyone to know how completely sorry he is about it. You see, Tim McGraw was upset because the new album was a Greatest Hits collection and it was full of his most famous old songs that people enjoy listening to, rather than the collection of new bad rubbish that he wanted to release.

So, to counter this, Tim McGraw has released a statement showing his anger at the album’s release and pleading with fans not to buy it. And, in turn, Tim McGraw’s record label’s next release will be a collection of Tim McGraw b-sides all performed by crying children trapped down a well with a tuba player and fanged clown.

You never really equate artistry with the country music scene, do you? Blind patriotism, yes. Alcoholism, yes. Domestic abuse and accusations of paedophilia, yes. Reckless gunplay, yes. But not artistry.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Tim McGraw. Tim McGraw is precious about his music. The conception of a new song is a tender, joyous thing to Tim McGraw, especially since he cloaks each new creation in subtle layers of sociopolitical commentary. For instance, did you know that Do You Want Fries With That is actually a critique of the Belsen school hostage crisis? And That’s Why God Made Mexico is a paean to the Jobs and Growth Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2003? No, us neither. We just made it up.

But just because all his songs are about chips and Mexicans, it doesn’t mean that Tim McGraw isn’t fiercely protective of his music. We already know that Tim will get medieval on anyone whose wife-beating shenanigans threaten to overshadow his songs, and now he’s proved that he isn’t even afraid to stick it to his own record company.

Last week saw the release of Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits 3, the latest in the much-loved collection of Tim McGraw Greatest Hits albums that includes Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits 1 and another one that we’ve forgotten the name of. All the hits are on the new album, from Angry All The Time to a collaboration with Def Leppard that should probably only be played to rapists as a form of punishment.

But McGraw isn’t happy about it, partially because he’s only released one new album since his last Greatest Hits album, and he’s released a statement warning fans about it:

I am saddened and disappointed that my label chose to put out another hits album instead of new music. I’ve only had one studio album since my last hits package. It has to be just as confusing to the fans as it is to me. I had no involvement in the creation or presentation of this record. Sure I love the songs, and I don’t want to take anything away from all the creative people who were a part of making those records. But the whole concept is an embarrassment to me as an artist. In the spirit of an election year, I would simply say to my fans ‘I’m Tim McGraw and I don’t approve their message.’

A procession of Greatest Hits albums is always a sign that an artist is creatively on the slide, and we’re sure that Tim McGraw is aware of this. He’s currently working on a brand new studio album, and he’d obviously rather be judged on that than a tired old repackaging of his older work.

So let’s hope Tim McGraw hurries up and releases this new album of his. He’d better, because there’s a Greatest Hits 4 album is due out next Wednesday, and at the moment it hasn’t got any flipping songs in it.

Country music is scientifically proven to turn people into violent, woman-beating drunks – or is it just that only violent wife-beating drunks like country music?

Maybe we'll never know for sure, but let's forget the history for a moment and just laugh at the fat, allegedly woman-beating rednecks who go to country music concerts. Like the fat, allegedly woman-beating redneck who country star Tim McGraw hauled up onstage and ejected from a show in Washington on Tuesday night.

Best of all, there's video footage of the incident. An obnoxious fat cowboy who's too fat to be lifted off the ground by three other obnoxious cowboys? Sounds perfect, doesn't it? It's not – the video's got a country music soundtrack. Bleugh.

There's a lot to be said for just how unpleasant country music fans are – they're so unpleasant that not even country singers like them very much. It's true, and we have a pre-prepared list of example to demonstrate this point.

1) Kenny Chesney wins an award and is pleased. Wait a minute, who voted for this award? Country music fans? Yeuch, take it back! Take it back!

2) You know what Faith Hill enjoys doing more than singing country songs to country fans? Screaming abuse at country fans.

3) "Hi there, I'm Billy Joe Shaver. You wouldn't happen to be a country fan, would you? You would? Well then, hold still while I shoot you in the cheek. Actually, non-metaphorically shoot you in your genuine cheek with my real loaded gun that I've got here."

And if there's one country singer who dislikes country fans more than anyone else, it's Tim McGraw. Oh, you know, Tim McGraw. He distinguishes himself from all the other country singers by wearing a cowboy hat. His songs include Tears In The Rain, You Don't Love Me Any More and Kill Myself. Happy chap, you must recognise him.

No? Well actually that's not important because you don't need to know Tim McGraw to be able to appreciate Tim McGraw's contribution to the art of angrily ejecting his own fans in the middle of his concerts. You see, in Washington on Tuesday night Tim McGraw apparently spied a man being aggressive in the front row of his concert and held everything up while he threw the varmint out. Here's the video…

Wow, that's a level of fury we rarely see. Notice how when he spots the troublemaker in the audience, Tim McGraw instructs his band to keep playing? He's actually so mad at this one guy that he chooses to punish his entire audience with an extended fiddle-di-dee country music jam? That's badass.

Anyway, Tim McGraw has decided to explain his actions in a statement, and here it is:

"A man rush[ed] to the front of the stage. This overly aggressive fan attacked a female fan, and Tim witnessed this incident. Tim called for security, but when they could not respond quick enough, Tim and several crew members removed the fan from the audience. He was then turned over to the local authorities."

We presume that the statement's actually from Tim McGraw's publicist and not Tim himself, because if you knew you were dealing with a man who constantly referred to himself in the third person, the last thing you'd want to do is to disrupt his concert. That'd signify an imbalance that you just wouldn't want to mess with.

Anyway, let's hope this incident is a timely reminder to others on how to deal with disruptive audience members. Specifically you, Akon. Notice how Tim McGraw just shoved him backstage instead of throwing him into the crowd or manically dry-humping him? Take notes, please.