The Mayans said that the World would end in 2012, December 21st in fact (so don’t be buying any Peacocks gifts vouchers), but those pesky Aztec ripoff neglected to mention that one the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse would be Helena Bonham-Carter not starring in a Tim Burton film.
And here we are, like the nose on your plain face, looking right at the factual evidence that Bonham-Carter is going to be elsewhere when they film ‘Big Eyes.’
Instead of the massively haired weirdo, Burton has picked the insufferable Reese Witherspoon and the equally insufferable but slightly more fanciable, Ryan Reynolds to play the parts of indie artists, Margaret and Walter Keane respectively.
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Tim Burton! He’s kooky isn’t he? He’s probably got stuffed animals in his house! And rugs that smell like goths. And loads of hairspray for his sticky-up haircut. And Helena Bonham Carter. He’s got one of them.
Sadly for our Tim, he looks like a hybrid of ukulele loving Tiny Tim and Tim Curry. Isn’t that weird. Tim looks like a cross between two other Tims. We’d crowbar Timothy Dalton, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Tim Westwood in as well, if we could be remotely bothered.
Anyway, Burton is going to team-up with non-Tim, Josh Brolin, to make a new version of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are probably going to be in it too because they’re in every pissing film Burton ever made. Ever. Ever ever ever ever.
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Tim Burton drags us down the rabbit-hole kicking and screaming in this adaptation of the children’s book Alice In Wonderland, managing to take away any of the wonderment that many may have felt for this beloved tale.
You would think that the pairing of Burton with Lewis Carroll‘s famous series would be a film of visual splendour, but Burton’s approach here is to suck any life out of this Wonderland, and many of its inhabitants too. Visually, its reliance on special effects makes this world seem artificial and Burton’s unique aesthetics look uninspired. You never feel that you are walking around this world with Alice and her chums.
Alice (Mia Wasikowska) could do with a lick of life herself, with the standard Burton turn-on for making his leads look like they have an iron deficiency – but Alice matches this with a lack of personality as well. She coasts through the film with this mystical absentness, attributing much of her surroundings to a bad dream and constantly never reacting to the situation with any real conviction. Much of this film rests on her shoulders and it isn’t long before the weight has crushed poor Wasikowska.
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Hey Geri Halliwell, what do you think about the new pictures of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s new movie adaptation of Alice In Wonderla… oh.
We’ve made a terrible mistake.
Helena Bonham Carter should learn swordfighting quickly, because if Tim Burton is tapped to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, she’ll have to be in it.
Oh, didn’t we mention? Tim Burton might be directing Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It’s just a rumour for now, but Disney is thought to want to retain Burton’s services after he’s finished with Alice In Wonderland if Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski gets bored of it all.
Of course, hiring Tim Burton for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 might seem like something of a risk, but it really isn’t – after all, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 went on for about 15 hours and couldn’t have made any less sense if it was an East European claymation film about the inside of a twig, so there’s genuinely nothing that Tim Burton could do that would bugger the series up any further.
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You always know what you’re getting with a new Tim Burton film – Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, resignation that the movie won’t be as good as Edward Scissorhands.
But one thing you you don’t get is big-faced actresses in the middle of slightly humiliating personal meltdowns. Well, you do now, because Anne Hathaway has just signed up to star in Tim Burton’s new adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.
In Alice In Wonderland, Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen – a pretty young woman who looks a bit stupid because her boyfriend pretended to be chums with the Pope to con strangers out of millions of dollars and then ended up in jail because of it. We have no idea why Tim Burton wanted Anne Hathaway for the role.
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Johnny Depp, let this be a warning – star in too many Tim Burton movies and there's every chance that Tim will knock you up and make you force out one of his Burton-babies sooner or later.
Just ask Helena Bonham Carter, who – after appearing in every Tim Burton movie made this millennium – has just had Tim Burton's baby girl. Details on Helena Bonham Carter's baby girl are scant at the moment, so it's not known if Tim Burton managed to film the birth or. Let's hope he didn't, since Johnny Depp would have been contractually expected to follow the baby by crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter's gore-soaked ladybits, only to jig around the maternity ward covered in blood and amniotic fluid singing a pretty little song about how nice it is to get your hair cut.
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hecklerspray doesn’t have a Christmas tree – we have a hobo wrapped in tinsel standing in the corner of our 2nd floor lobby. We let him sit down 15 minutes every two hours, pay him in heat and he knows not to touch our vending machine buttons if he’s not at least wearing a mitten.
Seriously, that’s how diseases spread.
We’re not the only ones who celebrate an unconventional holiday. Lance Bass likes to cover his trees in some sort of spray-on ham. We made that up. Gary Coleman plays Deck the Halls on a wide variety of musical saws and cat skulls. We made that up. Tim Burton drapes his tree with dead babies.
We didn’t make that up.
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