Detroit’s hilariously thick hip hop mongrels, Insane Clown Posse, have been booking hard for their 12th annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Beautifully, Charlie Sheen has been booked for the show and it will almost certainly end in tears.

You’re probably thinking ‘Charlie Sheen isn’t the monumental balls-up he once was. It’ll pass without incident, apart from contrived ones. Next!’ But wait! See, this isn’t about Sheen. This is about Juggalos.

Fact is, they don’t much like people. They’re all misunderstood and… well… like lobbing stuff at people’s heads. Remember Tila Tequila’s performance at the Juggafest? No? Well, she was hammered with rocks during her performance last year, leaving her bloodied and battered. There were pictures of her wounds online and everyone didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so ended up doing a mixture of both with a disaffected shrug thrown in because no-one actually died.

Tequila went about slagging off all the Juggalos, writing:

“The people at Juggalos behavior was disgusting and I am filing a suit against Them now … Pretty soon the owners who run the Juggalos will be bankrupt. My attorney is already on it. This is disgusting behavior from men.”

So can we assume that acts like Busta Rhymes, Lil Jon and Flavor Flav will be welcomed with open arms, leaving Charlie Sheen to be target practice? Probably. Likely in fact.

These tattooed stoners, drunk on grain will be warmed up by rap and peaking just as Sheeno sets foot onstage. He may as well have a target drawn on his chest… unless of course, they’ve welcomed him to their bosom as they identify with him as a brother fuck-up in arms.

God forbid that Sheen should answer the ICP’s most potent question:

“Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”

So what does Sheen have to say?

“Heading to the Insane Clown Posse’s 12th Annual Gathering Of The Juggalos!! 8/13/11 WHY..? Cause I’m down with the clown. Whoop!! Whoop!!”

Oh dear. We’ll start writing the obituary now sonny Jim…

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Warning: this is a story without winners. You’ll probably end up hating everyone involved, and yourself a bit.

Why? That’s a good question. Tila Tequila sustained heavy cuts and bruises after being pelted with rocks and bottles at a music festival this week. But it’ impossible to feel sorry for Tila Tequila on several levels. This is partly because the first thing she did afterwards was to leap on Twitter and scream about how much she was going to sue the organisers of the festival.

Mainly, though, it’s because Tila Tequila was performing at an Insane Clown Posse festival, and at least if you’re hit on the head with a rock during an Insane Clown Posse festival there’s a good chance that you’ll suffer enough concussion to help you forget what a neverending pile of unadulterated shit you were just performing at.

Sometimes it feels like following the travails of Tila Tequila is like watching a film. A terrible film, obviously – one that nobody likes because it’s got a wanker for a star – but a film nonetheless. Recently we’ve had to deal with domestic violence and phantom pregnancies and possibly invented drug addictions and lord knows what else, and now we’ve got to put up with what basically amounts to a stoning.

Here’s what happened. Early on Saturday night, Tila Tequila performed at a festival for fans of the band Insane Clown Posse. This in itself is depressing – it means that a band as blindingly awful as Insane Clown Posse has got enough fans to actually warrant a festival – but then the fans started hurling rocks and other missiles at Tila until she had to come offstage injured. And that’s even more depressing, because we’d always assumed that anyone who likes Insane Clown Posse would lack the motor skills necessary to propel objects with their arms. CNN reports:

“She’s pretty cut up,” said a performer who saw the violence at the “Gathering of the Juggalos” in rural Hardin County, Illinois. The witness asked not to be identified so that he does not anger the juggalos. Tequila posted a Twitter message Saturday, saying she would sue the festival. “Pretty soon, the owners who run the juggalos will be bankrupt,” she tweeted.

What? The witness didn’t want to be identified because he was scared of enraging the Insane Clown Posse fans? That’s a bit weak. What are they going to do if they get angry? Deliver their newspapers in an intentionally slapdash way? Not tidy their rooms even though their mothers have asked them nicely? Write ‘I AM ANGREE!!!!’ on the inside cover of their Year 8 geography exercise book? Those fans are out of control.

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Celebrity Rehab may have to be postponed, because the show’s producers can’t find enough willing alcoholics and drug addicts in Hollywood to fill their roster. We’re not kidding.

Last week, we shared the news that Tila Tequila had developed an overnight drug problem. She wrote an overlong letter about this on her blog and revealed a struggle with prescription medications. This was rescinded quick enough, once she’d gotten the week’s worth of free media coverage she was after. After giving it some careful thought, we guess she decided she could get all the drug-related publicity she wanted without even bothering to set foot on the show. So, that’s what she did. She withdrew, claiming that her schedule of turning up on the red carpet half-naked meant she could no longer accommodate filming.

Uhuh.

We guess we’re never supposed to mention the admitted drug problem again. Like the (multiple) non-pregnancies. Because closing your eyes and clicking your heels demonstrably makes said things go away.

Back to the sudden cancellation – we guess Tila, though decidedly D-list, was the biggest name on the show. Heck, she was the only recognisable name on the show.

It’s not really a show about getting better, so we’re clear. It’s basically like Dancing on Ice – but with crack addicts who had a bit-part on Friends once instead of amateur dancers. It’s voyeuristic entertainment with no vested interest in getting any one any better. Even Lindsay Lohan turned them, and their one million dollar offer, down.

When you can’t bribe people with well-documented drug and money problems onto a show about “beating addiction”, something’s wrong. The show could have just cut its losses and rounded a bunch of drunks up from the gutters… but then those folks wouldn’t have been famous. Dang. This television production lark is hard.

Though it should be like shooting fish with substance abuse problems in a barrell full of ale, Celebrity Rehab doesn’t have enough people to treat for the show to go ahead.

From TMZ:

It should be easier than finding oil in the Gulf … but “Celebrity Rehab” has been put on ice because they just can’t find a big star with a big problem. Sources connected with the show tell TMZ producers of “Celeb Rehab” can’t fill the roster for the new season, which was supposed to start shooting today. As we first reported, Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler signed on, but there are still holes in the roster. Most important … we’re told there isn’t a big headliner. Our sources say producers offered Lindsay Lohan $1 million and her own show, but LiLo turned them down. We’re thinking a good move on Lindsay’s part.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who shines like the heavens above

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Tila Tequila, also known as Miss Tila, also known as Who?, will be one of the guests on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab.

It has been noted, and not just by the show’s detractors, that even Z-listers turned down offers to appear – yet the show is featuring Tila. This should be good fun then, should it not?

For those who’ve been too busy enjoying the sunshine or otherwise doing something more productive, Tila is a former reality star. She’s a woman who, and even her own fans may concur, needs fame like the rest of us need air. She’s vaguely inoffensive – other than that business of tweeting excitedly about the death of her fiance like she’d just won the free PR lottery… and the pregnancies that weren’t pregnancies according to anti-Tila sites. Forget it. We give up. Tila has done some pretty appalling things, in the name of staying in the public eye.

We won’t bore you chewing over the details, but we will tell you Tila has a sudden prescription drug problem – a problem that seems to have been admitted out of the blue for the purpose of snagging a spot (no one else wanted) on the show (no one’s going to be watching). Celebrity Rehab, as you may guess from the name, is a show in which people who’ve fallen off the celebrity alphabet altogether seek help. That help comes in the form of Dr. Drew Pinsky. Drew is thought to be a bit of a quack, by some – as he offers asinine armchair diagnoses of celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, whom he doesn’t even treat.

There are going to be two nobodies on a show, that has been labelled a career killer, vying to cause more drama and make even more headlines – Tila with her shenanigans and Drew diagnosing everybody with unpronounceable, non-existent disorders. Sounds fun.

From Radar Online:

Tila Tequila says she has a prescription pill problem and is heading to VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab 4. The reality TV star broke the news on her Web site and (1) took a shot at Lindsay Lohan (2) said that if she stays sober VH-1 may give her a spin off show about her sober life. “I know I am an extremely smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote. She then said to accomplish her goals, “I must not be another “Lindsay Lohan” where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…” Tila did not specify what type of pills she has been abusing. The pint-sized formerly pregnant (?) self-described mogul says he own spinoff show about sober life would also include trying to meet the love of her life and would be “very raw and real.”

We would watch Celebrity Rehab but… um… there’s a re-run of Columbo we must see. It’s on from whenever this starts, until whenever this finishes. Looks like we’re going to miss the whole thing. Damn it.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful explosion of joy that is Amy Grindhouse.

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10 – Footballers who should be in boybands – The Spoiler

9 - We wish we were this inventive. We also wish we had enough free time to make something like this – Geekologie

8 - Tila Tequila: still incredibly annoying – Amy Grindhouse

7 - You can land on the Lost island in Just Cause 2. This is absurdly wonderful news - Electric Spectre

6 - Michael Winner’s Dining Stars might not return. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN – Watchwithmothers

5 – Dear Burger King, although your new late-night adverts make us hungry for Burger King, they also make us to scared to go outside – Best Week Ever

4 - Where’s the silliest place you could fall asleep? Keep thinking. Keep thinking. It’s here – Asylum

3 - Like Easter eggs? Have too much disposable income? You’ve come to the right place – Domesticsluttery

2 - To our knowledge, this is the world’s most terrifying Filipino transvestite Bjork impersonator – Afrojack

1 – Professor Brian Cox, you’ve done it again…

Christmas is good for several things, not least the coming together of families.

Or, if you’re part of the Tequila household, that should be ‘the cumming together of families’. You see, annoying reality TV star and general tit-barer Tila Tequila has given her brother the greatest Christmas gift of all – she’s reportedly let her brother get her pregnant.

But before you think that one too many eggnogs played the part in getting the siblings to indulge in some festive incest, that’s just plain wrong. She’s playing the surrogate mother role instead.

How do we know this Tila Tequila pregnancy thing is a real story and not just some crazy concoction from a fan who wants their idol to spawn endless carbon copies of herself? Did she release a short and formal press release to circulate to news agencies such as The Wall Street Journal or The Financial Times? No of course not, this is the generation who can share information in a flash. Whether it’s someone telling us they’ve had a banging dump or unsuspectingly given their number out to a paedophile, it can all be done via Twitter. Here’s what Tila Tequila wrote:

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: I am going to become a SURROGATE MOTHER for my brother & his Wife!!! That is my xmas present to them. Im pregnant!!!!

You know what seals the deal for us? It’s THE OFFICIAL TILA TEQUILA page. Everyone knows that if it doesn’t have “official” in the title then it’s been made up by a creepy stalker type who wants to lick their idol on the cheek and use their urine as a perfume.

Of course we know that, for one reason or another, not every couple in the world may be able to have children. It may be because some people’s genitals are broken or the fact that not everyone can easily slot part A in to part B and produce part C to infuse with part D. Sometimes, a pair of lovers might have two part Bs and that simply won’t work in creating a tiny miniature person. So yes, it’s always a blessing to these people who can have a child thanks to a surrogate mother. Or as they’ll feel like after a few months, a never-ending childminder.

To the world, Tila Tequila is known as one of those ladies who always happens to be photographed with most of her clothes off. Is she just a fit-looking homeless person? Or does she actually do that for a living? The latter was confirmed when MTV decided to give Tila her own reality dating show. With no Cilla Black insight, the show steered dramatically away from any sort of traditional and aged format.

This wasn’t just Tila Tequila looking to find a boyfriend. Oh no, she decided to reveal that she was bisexual and turned the whole thing in to a boy vs girl contest to fight for her heart. Would Tila go for a macho man or a glamorous girl? The producers wanted her to find some lady love to boost the ratings via teenage boys tuning in for a quick tug. Can we remember who she went with? No. And do we care? Again, not really, as she isn’t with a winner from either series. Thus proving you can’t find love via TV. Perhaps she’ll have to try online dating.

As she’s now a celebrity surrogate, so will this coin another spin-off reality show featuring Tila Tequila? We imagine so and, because the child will pick up traits from its semi-natural mother, we imagine it’ll end up be a bisexual attention-seeker, too.

Like child like surrogate.

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10 - Here, have a story about bat-centric oral sex – Slantedscience

9 – And now, for anyone who thinks that Nintendo Wiis aren’t creepy enough – Geekologie

8 – The Roots have missed their calling. Hip-hop’s gain is 1970′s MOR deep, deep loss – MyChemicalToilet

7 – What did Kim Kardashian dress up as for Halloween? What? A sort of prostitutey Disney princess? Get out of town – AmyGrindhouse

6 - Is Prince Of Persia going to be good or cack? Someone tell us - Popsugar

5 – Kate Winslet is definitely not the world’s most irritating actress, so don’t sue us please – PopEater

4 – What’s that? You’ve always wanted to buy a plaster cast of Tila Tequila‘s boob? You’re in luck, you disgusting bloody pervert – Bestweekever

3 -Danielle Bux, she’s just like us (except she has to put up with Gary Lineker pawing at her boobs like some sort of gross big-eared zombie) - Interestment

2 - The name of this website explains everything you need to know - Hotchickswithfistsintheirmouths

1 - This is so adorable we think it just made us grow ovaries…

So Chris Brown has been convicted for his horrific choke-attack on Rihanna and he’s been punished accordingly.

That’s the end of all that, then. But you know what’d be great? If something almost identical happened, but this time to two people who barely even counted as celebrities. You know, two staggering nonentities who’ve made such a pointlessly small contribution to the world that we’d be surprised if their parents would be able to pick them from a line-up comprising them, three goats and a Weetabix.

Anyway, American footballer Shawne Merriman has been arrest on suspicion of choking Tila Tequila. Hooray!

It’s a sad fact that violence towards women is prevalent in the celebrity world. Just look at Chris Brown, who attacked his girlfriend Rihanna in a car in February. Or Phil Spector, who literally shot a woman in the face. Or Vanilla Ice, who allegedly hit his wife then tried to kill himself with a motorbike or something. It’s sad but it’s true – domestic violence also affects celebrities.

It affects non-celebrities, too. In fact, sometimes it even affects people who somehow think they’re celebrities even though, if you made a list of all the people in the world ranked by their level of fame, they’d come quite near the bottom after all the world’s local weathergirls and that old lady from down the road who collects garden gnomes and Richard Blackwood. What we’re trying to say, we suppose, is that domestic violence also affects Tila Tequila. Possibly.

Oh, you know, Tila Tequila. Sort of popular on MySpace. Has her own awful MTV reality show. Dresses a bit like a prostitute. Has a much higher opinion of herself than you could ever reasonably expect. That’s her. Anyway, Tila Tequila’s boyfriend is Shawne Merriman, who is apparently a San Diego Chargers linebacker, even though we literally don’t know what any of those words mean. And about 3:45 on Sunday morning, Shawne Merriman was arrested on suspicion of choking and falsely imprisoning Tila Tequila, after a phone call from Tila Tequila herself. CNN reports:

When police arrived, “the reporting party identified herself as Tila Nguyen, aka Tila Tequila, and her alleged assailant as Shawne Merriman,” the statement said. “Nguyen told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence,” the statement said.

Now, it’s important to point out that Shawne Merriman denies choking Tila Tequila. According to his lawyer, Tila Tequila was drunk, uninjured and surrounded by witnesses who will all be able to disprove the accusations against him.

Ultimately we aren’t going to know exactly what happened between Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila until a police investigation into the incident is completed. That said, the false imprisonment claim does seem a little confusing, doesn’t it? Because it’s Tila Tequila, for crying out loud. Who’d honestly want to willingly keep Tila Tequila in their company for even a second longer than they absolutely had to? It doesn’t add up. If it transpires that Shawne Merriman did restrain Tila Tequila on purpose, we’d say his best bet would be to plead utter, mind-melting insanity.

We’re sure we’ll be hearing a lot more about this in the coming days. Or, even better, we won’t.

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Everything has to be made bigger and better.

Take the humble dating show. Blind Date on ITV was a great way of laughing at creepy singletons. It was easy to see what they would be like based on answers to scripted questions such as “What do you like doing in your spare time?” Contestant One – Following women around and photographing them. Contestant Two – Stealing knickers off washing lines. Contestant Three – Worshipping Satan and drinking goat blood. Based on these responses, you could select a stalker stud and be whisked off to Torquay for a romantic canal trip.

Sadly this classic format died and was replaced with shows like Flavor Of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York and, more recently, the terrible A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 1 and 2. And, judging by the godawful way that the latter ended, probably A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 3.

A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila apparently changed the world. Well, according to her anyway. The girl with more MySpace friends than you changed TV dating shows forever as she let 12 manly-looking lesbians and 12 horny blokes battle it out for her heart.

At the end of the first series, she picked Bobby as her sweetheart. Aww, we literally shed a tear as the happy couple embraced and went off to have sex. Tragically though, cupid’s arrows must have misfired and the relationship didn’t quite work out. 

Seemingly over her tragic loss quite quickly, another series was commissioned for millions thousands hundred tens of people to watch. The second series was pretty much the same as the first. It had tears, tantrums, arguments, fights and people munching on bits of raw animal to show their love for someone they realistically have nothing in common with. 

Slowly but surely, the contestants were eliminated to the final two. Bo and Kristy were the ones left to fight it out for Tila’s heart. After picking a bloke in the first series, it was certain she’d go for some lady love this time. And she did, to the delight of perverts everywhere. But to the shock of everyone, the winner turned down her chance to spend a few weeks with Tila Tequila before she turned back on to men again. Watch, it almost looks unscripted…

Uh-oh, that means once again we have a brokenhearted girl who still can’t find love after whoring herself out on national TV twice now. So far this year there have been two series of the show broadcast. It’s only July, so we can assume a third series will be squeezed into the schedule around November time.

However, we have a partial solution for Tila. Comedy rapper Flavor Flav can’t find love with his identical show either. Maybe the two of them should just get together! It would mean we’d a rapid decline in shit reality TV shows and give MTV the weird opportunity to play a music video once in a while.

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching?

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

It must be great being this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing, even if we’re still not really sure who or what it really is.

For one you get a dating show on MTV all about how you’re wacky and bisexual – what ker-azyness – and then you get to tell the world you’ve single-handedly changed it, giving gay couples the rights they deserve.

It’s an audacious claim, that’s for sure.

See, this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing is claiming she/he/it was instrumental in the recent decision of the Californian government to drop its ban on gay marriage. Tequila is claiming that her TV show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila broke down boundaries, brought people together and quashed all prejudices around the whole of the west coast state. As she said to USMagazine.com:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement”

Not content with this simple, ridiculous claim, the spirited one went on:

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

What we at hecklerspray don’t understand is, if it were so simple to get this change to come about, why didn’t Tequila do something earlier? Or why didn’t she inform the legions of campaigners for gay rights that there was a simple, affordable, MTV-based way in which they could achieve equality?

We’re guessing it’s because she’s full of hate, just like Katherine Heigl. Or maybe she was just too dumb to realise how much she could really make a difference in this world, taking on all comers and fighting injustice. Like a modern day Captain Planet. Except female. And less blue.

So what does this pint-sized progenitor of social change have planned next? Might we suggest she takes to the streets of Baltimore in order to redress the appalling social imbalance on display. Or she could head to a local Klan meeting and convince the morons present to change their racist ways – so long as MTV were ready to fund it, of course. But no, Tila is doing something altogether unexpected:

“I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Hopefully California will overturn its ban on marrying continents too, then.