9 – And now, for anyone who thinks that Nintendo Wiis aren’t creepy enough – Geekologie

8 – The Roots have missed their calling. Hip-hop’s gain is 1970’s MOR deep, deep loss – MyChemicalToilet

7 – What did Kim Kardashian dress up as for Halloween? What? A sort of prostitutey Disney princess? Get out of town – AmyGrindhouse

6 - Is Prince Of Persia going to be good or cack? Someone tell us - Popsugar

5 – Kate Winslet is definitely not the world’s most irritating actress, so don’t sue us please – PopEater

4 – What’s that? You’ve always wanted to buy a plaster cast of Tila Tequila’s boob? You’re in luck, you disgusting bloody pervert – Bestweekever

3 -Danielle Bux, she’s just like us (except she has to put up with Gary Lineker pawing at her boobs like some sort of gross big-eared zombie) - Interestment

2 - The name of this website explains everything you need to know - Hotchickswithfistsintheirmouths

1 - This is so adorable we think it just made us grow ovaries…

So Chris Brown has been convicted for his horrific choke-attack on Rihanna and he’s been punished accordingly.

That’s the end of all that, then. But you know what’d be great? If something almost identical happened, but this time to two people who barely even counted as celebrities. You know, two staggering nonentities who’ve made such a pointlessly small contribution to the world that we’d be surprised if their parents would be able to pick them from a line-up comprising them, three goats and a Weetabix.

Anyway, American footballer Shawne Merriman has been arrest on suspicion of choking Tila Tequila. Hooray!

It’s a sad fact that violence towards women is prevalent in the celebrity world. Just look at Chris Brown, who attacked his girlfriend Rihanna in a car in February. Or Phil Spector, who literally shot a woman in the face. Or Vanilla Ice, who allegedly hit his wife then tried to kill himself with a motorbike or something. It’s sad but it’s true – domestic violence also affects celebrities.

It affects non-celebrities, too. In fact, sometimes it even affects people who somehow think they’re celebrities even though, if you made a list of all the people in the world ranked by their level of fame, they’d come quite near the bottom after all the world’s local weathergirls and that old lady from down the road who collects garden gnomes and Richard Blackwood. What we’re trying to say, we suppose, is that domestic violence also affects Tila Tequila. Possibly.

Oh, you know, Tila Tequila. Sort of popular on MySpace. Has her own awful MTV reality show. Dresses a bit like a prostitute. Has a much higher opinion of herself than you could ever reasonably expect. That’s her. Anyway, Tila Tequila’s boyfriend is Shawne Merriman, who is apparently a San Diego Chargers linebacker, even though we literally don’t know what any of those words mean. And about 3:45 on Sunday morning, Shawne Merriman was arrested on suspicion of choking and falsely imprisoning Tila Tequila, after a phone call from Tila Tequila herself. CNN reports:

When police arrived, “the reporting party identified herself as Tila Nguyen, aka Tila Tequila, and her alleged assailant as Shawne Merriman,” the statement said. “Nguyen told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence,” the statement said.

Now, it’s important to point out that Shawne Merriman denies choking Tila Tequila. According to his lawyer, Tila Tequila was drunk, uninjured and surrounded by witnesses who will all be able to disprove the accusations against him.

Ultimately we aren’t going to know exactly what happened between Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila until a police investigation into the incident is completed. That said, the false imprisonment claim does seem a little confusing, doesn’t it? Because it’s Tila Tequila, for crying out loud. Who’d honestly want to willingly keep Tila Tequila in their company for even a second longer than they absolutely had to? It doesn’t add up. If it transpires that Shawne Merriman did restrain Tila Tequila on purpose, we’d say his best bet would be to plead utter, mind-melting insanity.

We’re sure we’ll be hearing a lot more about this in the coming days. Or, even better, we won’t.

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Take the humble dating show. Blind Date on ITV was a great way of laughing at creepy singletons. It was easy to see what they would be like based on answers to scripted questions such as “What do you like doing in your spare time?” Contestant One – Following women around and photographing them. Contestant Two – Stealing knickers off washing lines. Contestant Three – Worshipping Satan and drinking goat blood. Based on these responses, you could select a stalker stud and be whisked off to Torquay for a romantic canal trip.

Sadly this classic format died and was replaced with shows like Flavor Of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York and, more recently, the terrible A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 1 and 2. And, judging by the godawful way that the latter ended, probably A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 3.

A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila apparently changed the world. Well, according to her anyway. The girl with more MySpace friends than you changed TV dating shows forever as she let 12 manly-looking lesbians and 12 horny blokes battle it out for her heart.

At the end of the first series, she picked Bobby as her sweetheart. Aww, we literally shed a tear as the happy couple embraced and went off to have sex. Tragically though, cupid’s arrows must have misfired and the relationship didn’t quite work out. 

Seemingly over her tragic loss quite quickly, another series was commissioned for millions thousands hundred tens of people to watch. The second series was pretty much the same as the first. It had tears, tantrums, arguments, fights and people munching on bits of raw animal to show their love for someone they realistically have nothing in common with. 

Slowly but surely, the contestants were eliminated to the final two. Bo and Kristy were the ones left to fight it out for Tila’s heart. After picking a bloke in the first series, it was certain she’d go for some lady love this time. And she did, to the delight of perverts everywhere. But to the shock of everyone, the winner turned down her chance to spend a few weeks with Tila Tequila before she turned back on to men again. Watch, it almost looks unscripted…

Uh-oh, that means once again we have a brokenhearted girl who still can’t find love after whoring herself out on national TV twice now. So far this year there have been two series of the show broadcast. It’s only July, so we can assume a third series will be squeezed into the schedule around November time.

However, we have a partial solution for Tila. Comedy rapper Flavor Flav can’t find love with his identical show either. Maybe the two of them should just get together! It would mean we’d a rapid decline in shit reality TV shows and give MTV the weird opportunity to play a music video once in a while.

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

For one you get a dating show on MTV all about how you’re wacky and bisexual – what ker-azyness – and then you get to tell the world you’ve single-handedly changed it, giving gay couples the rights they deserve.

It’s an audacious claim, that’s for sure.

See, this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing is claiming she/he/it was instrumental in the recent decision of the Californian government to drop its ban on gay marriage. Tequila is claiming that her TV show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila broke down boundaries, brought people together and quashed all prejudices around the whole of the west coast state. As she said to USMagazine.com:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement”

Not content with this simple, ridiculous claim, the spirited one went on:

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

What we at hecklerspray don’t understand is, if it were so simple to get this change to come about, why didn’t Tequila do something earlier? Or why didn’t she inform the legions of campaigners for gay rights that there was a simple, affordable, MTV-based way in which they could achieve equality?

We’re guessing it’s because she’s full of hate, just like Katherine Heigl. Or maybe she was just too dumb to realise how much she could really make a difference in this world, taking on all comers and fighting injustice. Like a modern day Captain Planet. Except female. And less blue.

So what does this pint-sized progenitor of social change have planned next? Might we suggest she takes to the streets of Baltimore in order to redress the appalling social imbalance on display. Or she could head to a local Klan meeting and convince the morons present to change their racist ways – so long as MTV were ready to fund it, of course. But no, Tila is doing something altogether unexpected:

“I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Hopefully California will overturn its ban on marrying continents too, then.