Detroit’s hilariously thick hip hop mongrels, Insane Clown Posse, have been booking hard for their 12th annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Beautifully, Charlie Sheen has been booked for the show and it will almost certainly end in tears.
You’re probably thinking ‘Charlie Sheen isn’t the monumental balls-up he once was. It’ll pass without incident, apart from contrived ones. Next!’ But wait! See, this isn’t about Sheen. This is about Juggalos.
Fact is, they don’t much like people. They’re all misunderstood and… well… like lobbing stuff at people’s heads. Remember Tila Tequila’s performance at the Juggafest? No? Well, she was hammered with rocks during her performance last year, leaving her bloodied and battered. There were pictures of her wounds online and everyone didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so ended up doing a mixture of both with a disaffected shrug thrown in because no-one actually died.
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Warning: this is a story without winners. You’ll probably end up hating everyone involved, and yourself a bit.
Why? That’s a good question. Tila Tequila sustained heavy cuts and bruises after being pelted with rocks and bottles at a music festival this week. But it’ impossible to feel sorry for Tila Tequila on several levels. This is partly because the first thing she did afterwards was to leap on Twitter and scream about how much she was going to sue the organisers of the festival.
Mainly, though, it’s because Tila Tequila was performing at an Insane Clown Posse festival, and at least if you’re hit on the head with a rock during an Insane Clown Posse festival there’s a good chance that you’ll suffer enough concussion to help you forget what a neverending pile of unadulterated shit you were just performing at.
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Celebrity Rehab may have to be postponed, because the show’s producers can’t find enough willing alcoholics and drug addicts in Hollywood to fill their roster. We’re not kidding.
Last week, we shared the news that Tila Tequila had developed an overnight drug problem. She wrote an overlong letter about this on her blog and revealed a struggle with prescription medications. This was rescinded quick enough, once she’d gotten the week’s worth of free media coverage she was after. After giving it some careful thought, we guess she decided she could get all the drug-related publicity she wanted without even bothering to set foot on the show. So, that’s what she did. She withdrew, claiming that her schedule of turning up on the red carpet half-naked meant she could no longer accommodate filming.
Uhuh.
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Tila Tequila, also known as Miss Tila, also known as Who?, will be one of the guests on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab.
It has been noted, and not just by the show’s detractors, that even Z-listers turned down offers to appear – yet the show is featuring Tila. This should be good fun then, should it not?
For those who’ve been too busy enjoying the sunshine or otherwise doing something more productive, Tila is a former reality star. She’s a woman who, and even her own fans may concur, needs fame like the rest of us need air. She’s vaguely inoffensive – other than that business of tweeting excitedly about the death of her fiance like she’d just won the free PR lottery… and the pregnancies that weren’t pregnancies according to anti-Tila sites. Forget it. We give up. Tila has done some pretty appalling things, in the name of staying in the public eye.
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10 – Footballers who should be in boybands – The Spoiler
9 - We wish we were this inventive. We also wish we had enough free time to make something like this – Geekologie
8 - Tila Tequila: still incredibly annoying – Amy Grindhouse
7 - You can land on the Lost island in Just Cause 2. This is absurdly wonderful news - Electric Spectre
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Christmas is good for several things, not least the coming together of families.
Or, if you’re part of the Tequila household, that should be ‘the cumming together of families’. You see, annoying reality TV star and general tit-barer Tila Tequila has given her brother the greatest Christmas gift of all – she’s reportedly let her brother get her pregnant.
But before you think that one too many eggnogs played the part in getting the siblings to indulge in some festive incest, that’s just plain wrong. She’s playing the surrogate mother role instead.
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10 - Here, have a story about bat-centric oral sex – Slantedscience
9 – And now, for anyone who thinks that Nintendo Wiis aren’t creepy enough – Geekologie
8 – The Roots have missed their calling. Hip-hop’s gain is 1970′s MOR deep, deep loss – MyChemicalToilet
7 – What did Kim Kardashian dress up as for Halloween? What? A sort of prostitutey Disney princess? Get out of town – AmyGrindhouse
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So Chris Brown has been convicted for his horrific choke-attack on Rihanna and he’s been punished accordingly.
That’s the end of all that, then. But you know what’d be great? If something almost identical happened, but this time to two people who barely even counted as celebrities. You know, two staggering nonentities who’ve made such a pointlessly small contribution to the world that we’d be surprised if their parents would be able to pick them from a line-up comprising them, three goats and a Weetabix.
Anyway, American footballer Shawne Merriman has been arrest on suspicion of choking Tila Tequila. Hooray!
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