When you’re a horny billionaire who compulsively shags endless nylon-haired porn stars, divorce can be hard.
Just look at Tiger Woods. He can’t simply divorce Elin Nordegren, agree to see the kids every other weekend and argue over who gets to keep the good cutlery. Instead, Tiger Woods’s divorce is turning out to be a nightmare of accountants and lawyers and non-disclosure settlements and lord knows what else. Worse still, it’s been reported that Tiger Woods will legally have to keep his children away from all of his mistresses.
That doesn’t sound like much, but it is. Tiger Woods has to keep his children away from all of his mistresses. Unless we’re very much mistaken, that’s basically every single woman on the planet. And, according to one of his lovers, possibly some men. And a handful of sexy plants for all we know. Good luck enforcing that, Tiger.
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You might think that Tiger Woods should get divorced. Or maybe you think that Tiger Woods shouldn’t get divorced.
Or maybe you’re in the third group. The group who wishes that Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods’s wife, all the women who Tiger Woods stuck his fat little plonker into and everyone else who’s ever even met Tiger Woods or any of his family, or spoken to Tiger Woods or any of this family on the telephone, or even briefly seen Tiger Woods or any of his family on television – even if they didn’t really know who they were looking at – would seal themselves inside a badly-ventilated lead-lined box and bury themselves in the desert forever.
If you’re in that third group you should probably just read something else, because it’s been reported that Tiger Woods and his wife are ‘definitely’ getting divorced. Sorry.
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Oh Tiger Woods, how could we ever stay mad at you? Look at you, you big lug, with your weird face and worn-out genitals.
You’re just adorable. Oh Tiger Woods, you know there’s just something about a man who’d probably try to hump your leg if you left it there for long enough – or would almost definitely try and shove his willy into a cactus if you smeared a bit of lipstick on it – that just drives women wild. And as for all your rampant untrustworthiness? Hoo boy, you’re a keeper Tiger Woods. A keeper.
That’s according to Tiger Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren anyway. She’s apparently decided not to take the option that involves divorcing Tiger Woods, taking $300 million of his money and being happy, and gone with the trusty old option of sticking with him and slowly being driven into insanity by all the constant suspicion. Clever girl.
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If any female billionaires are reading this, and they want to marry and then cheat on someone, may we suggest us?
It’d be totally worth it. Sure, we’d be heartbroken about your cheating, and so would the kids – yes, we’d have to have kids – but if it meant getting $300 million at the end of it, we’d absolutely be prepared to step up. If you ask nicely, we might even swing a golf club about near your face in anger for verisimilitude. But that’d cost extra.
It seems to have worked for Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods‘ wife. Following Tiger’s self-confessed affairs, Elin’s reported to be walking away from the marriage with a cool $300 million fortune. True, that does only work out at about $1.25 for every woman who Tiger Woods had it off with, but beggars can’t be choosers.
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Let this be a lesson to all you billionaires – if you want to save your marriage, only sleep with 13 bimbos.
Any more and it’s over. Just look at Tiger Woods. For the last few weeks, we’ve seen a slow but steady trickle of cheap-looking boobzillas come forward to claim that they’ve slept with Tiger Woods. And through it all, it was reported that Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren, was going to stick with him for the sake of their children.
Now the total of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses has hit 14, though, Elin Nordegren has reportedly hired a divorce lawyer. So billionaires, stick to boning 13 leathery tramps. We think that’s the lesson here.
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When you’re a horny billionaire who compulsively shags endless nylon-haired porn stars, divorce can be hard.
