Tiger Woods is addictive. And fairly good at golf. But mostly addictive. At least, that’s what his highest-earning bit-on-the-side would have us believe.
Tiger spent most of 2009 in the laps of assorted waitresses and porn stars, while his wingman went for the Wingman Medal of Honour the same year (and won).
Seriously, so far as dredging the gutters of their respective post codes for women of questionable repute/ irrevocably damaged self-esteem, Tiger was probably only bested by Jesse James – both were equal so far as going to impressive lengths to sleep with women less attractive than their actual wives.
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You can say whatever you like about Tiger Woods, but at least he’s an equal opportunity pork swordsman.
No, seriously, he is. It doesn’t matter if you’re tall or short, thin or fat, naturally blonde or peroxide blonde, filled with so much collagen that you look like a fish or filled with so much collagen that you look like ruptured hot water bottle – there’s a good chance that Tiger Woods will start humping your leg after about ten minutes of meeting you.
And age doesn’t seem like too much of a factor, either – another alleged Tiger Woods mistress has emerged. She’s called Theresa Rogers, and she’s old enough to be Tiger’s mother. Now that’s dedication to the cause.
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Well that’s it. Are you happy now, media? Tiger Woods has quit golf for an indefinite period of time.
Do you know the implications of this? It means next year we’ll have to buy a videogame entitled Jim Furyk PGA Tour 2011. Worse still, you know who’s probably going to start selling us razors from now on? Golfing journeyman Billy Mayfair. Billy Mayfair! And we don’t even know who that is. It’s a disgrace.
Someone needs to take the blame and apologise for all this, but who? Don’t go looking at Jamie Jungers, who you may remember as alleged Tiger Woods mistress #6. She’s decided to be hilariously unrepentant about everything.
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Shocking news – in the last 24 hours, not a single cheap-looking booby model has admitted shagging Tiger Woods.
Not one. And we don’t know what to do. For as far back as we can remember, we’ve written a new story every day about whichever classless little bimbette has popped up to sell her story about Tiger Woods’ sexual prowess, made fun of how many vowels are in her name and moved on. But now? Now the well seems to have dried up. We suppose we have no option but to let Tiger Woods quietly get on with his life.
What? Tiger Woods’ mother-in-law collapsed and was taken to hospital yesterday? Oh THANK GOD! That’s BRILLIANT NEWS!
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Watching Tiger Woods try to save his marriage is like watching someone try to bail out the Titanic with a bucket.
That wasn’t our first choice of metaphor, by the way. We were originally going to say that Tiger Woods is like the boy who stuck his thumb in the dyke, but that didn’t seem entirely appropriate. Anyway, now that the number of alleged Tiger Woods cheaty bimbettes has risen to ten, the tipping point has been reached – Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren has apparently left home.
It just goes to show – sleep with nine rancid professional party girls, shame on your wife; sleep with ten of them, shame on you.
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We should point out that six was the correct number of alleged Tiger Wood mistresses at time of writing.
It could be more by now. If you’re reading this next week or tomorrow or three minutes after it was published, we’re fairly sure that the number will have risen. And if you’re reading this next month, you might have managed to have your own clandestine affair with Tiger Woods, too. He does seem to be trying to sleep with everyone on the planet, after all.
And if reports are to be believed, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Which, incidentally, is possibly Tiger Woods’s chat-up line. No, we’ve grossed ourselves out now. Too far.
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Tiger Woods is addictive. And fairly good at golf. But mostly addictive. At least, that’s what his highest-earning bit-on-the-side would have us believe.
