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Tiger

It Will Kill You: Tiger

by Stuart Heritage on July 3, 2008 2 Comments

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.

Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.

If a tiger decides to attack you, you don't stand a chance – zoning in on you at speeds of up to 40mph, the tiger will use its massive size and strength to take you down, tearing at your throat with its teeth and staying there until you've died of strangulation or – if you're small enough – it'll pierce your windpipe or break your spinal cord. Or maybe the tiger will just swipe at you with its paws, which are powerful enough to smash cattle skulls. 

However, the tiger will only usually attack humans when they've become too old and infirm to hunt regular prey. That's right, if a tiger kills you, you'll die knowing that it was a really crappy tiger.

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not - animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You. Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish - give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them. If a tiger decides to attack you, you don't stand a chance - zoning in on you at speeds of up to 40mph, the tiger will use its massive size and strength to take you down, tearing at your throat with its teeth and staying there until you've died of strangulation or - if you're small enough - it'll pierce your windpipe or break your spinal cord. Or maybe the tiger will just swipe at you with its paws, which are powerful enough to smash cattle skulls. However, the tiger will only usually attack humans when they've become too old and infirm to hunt regular prey. That's right, if a tiger kills you, you'll die knowing that it was a really crappy tiger.

Tippi Hedren’s Tiger Mauls A Man

by Stuart Heritage on December 4, 2007 3 Comments

Tippi Hedren Tiger mauls caretaker mauled wildlife sanctuary attackAs the star of The Birds, Tippi Hedren developed a profound understanding with all forms of wildlife – except for her tigers, which still go around indiscriminately mauling folk.

A tiger living the animal sanctuary owned by actress Tippi Hedren – who, along with The Birds, has also starred in The Birds II and one episode of Murder She Wrote – has attacked and mauled a caretaker who was cleaning out its enclosure, leaving him in a critical condition with multiple bite wounds. Speaking of the attack, Hedren said "What makes these animals so dangerous is for no reason at all this kind of accident can happen."

Which is funny, because we always assumed that what made tigers so dangerous is the fact that they're sodding tigers, you massive idiot.

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