Due to the rapidly expanding world we live in, there are occasions when we have to get our heads round so called “exciting” terms that are cooked up by balding PR men in their fifties. We’re all enduring the stranglehold of social media which is basically a tool for people to show off an impressive number of virtual friends who they rarely ever speak to in the real world.
Now we’re plagued by flash mobs. These are surprise events that are created by hilarious individuals who think it’s amusing to perform stupid activities whilst you go around your day to day business.
Doing star jumps on a busy train during the home commute? LOL! That won’t irritate anyone to the point of violence! As you’ll probably agree, dances and other strange acts are rapidly approaching a saturation point of dire inanity. How about spicing things up by causing an organised panic? On paper it seems like a good idea, but in true British tradition, it turns into a shambles.
Britain’s had a rum old time when it comes to fictional alien invasions. They started early, with steampunk martians getting all up in our Victorian grills before idiotically sneezing themselves to their constituent pieces in War Of The Worlds.
We had a bit of respite in the ’50s as the fashion in the alien travel supplements was to take in the fabulous corn-filled vistas of mid-west America, do some light abducting, maybe probe a farmhand anus or two.
But then that Doctor fellow with the ever-changing, always-irritating face and voice and body and talking popped onto Saturday teatimes and suddenly Britain can’t move for psychopathic pepper grinders and shaggable supermodel siren doctorbots.
Death has been good to Michael Jackson, his songs got back in the charts, he had a film out, everyone seemed to miraculously forget about all of the kiddy fiddling allegations, none of us had to look at that weird face of his anymore and he’s even got a new game coming out called Michael Jackson: The Experience!
The new game casts the player as the gloved one and utilises Microsoft’s over-hyped and underwhelming Kinect technology. A camera records the players movements and has der fuhrer von popmusik act them out in real time while a microphone allows the player to sing along and believe that they are, for that moment, Michael Jackson, except without their face melting off, more drugs in their system than every 80s metal band combined, vast collections of Nazi memorabilia and numerous allegations of child molestation (although we can easily imagine that a few people who purchase this game will fit all of these criteria).
What could an acquitted paedophile and alleged Nazi fetishist like Michael Jackson and PopCap games, the producer of many bland and unoriginal flash-based casual games that people gain a Warcraft-like addiction to, possibly have in common?
Aside from the obvious evils on both fronts the answer is Plants vs. Zombies. Plants vs. Zombies is a tower defence style game in which the player assumes the role of a homeowner who uses plants to deter zombies from stealing his house/eating his brain/doing whatever the hell it is zombies actually do. Thrilling, I know.
To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true.
Every single word here goes through a tedious process. First a monkey punches a typewriter, then the results are passed to a child for English practice, then a gormless writer edits it.
Michael Jackson possibly went through the same routine when releasing his albums. With a crotch touch here and a flaming hairdo there, everything was tuned to a fine key. But recent tapes featuring the singer in conversation supposedly suggest he hated the original recordings of Thriller. So much so that he wanted to pig out on ice-cream. Maybe.
Readers, have you sued Michael Jackson lately? What? You haven’t? Then you’re just about the only one.
Everyone else on the planet has sued Michael Jackson, you know. Everyone – vets, lawyers, fiery sheikhs, staff – and now John Landis. John Landis is suing Michael Jackson over claims that he hasn’t received any royalties from the Thriller video in four years.
The lawsuit could put the skids on Michael Jackson’s plan for a new Thriller musical. Which wouldn’t be too bad, because ‘acquitted child molester Michael Jackson’ is so much easier to say than ‘successful musical theatre impresario Michael Jackson’, isn’t it?
Poor Michael Jackson – creatively spent, reportedly too ill to perform, lacking the qualifications necessary to become a kindergarten teacher.
The man is just running out of options. Apart from one – it’s been reported that Michael Jackson is putting together a big-budget Mamma Mia-style musical based on his album Thriller. The Thriller musical is thought to be based on the video to the album’s eponymous single, featuring legions of grotesque undead cadavers who terrify you witless the second you glance at them.
Goodness, we didn’t know that Michael Jackson was going to be starring in it as well.
9 – The 15 worst porno ideas ever. Hint – your mum accounts for 14 of them – Cracked
8 – Robocop and a unicorn, together at last. Beautiful – Flickr
7 – The five best and five worst Tim Burton movies. As if you didn’t know already – Film
6 – Gratuitous self-promotion, yes, but here’s something Stu wrote for another website. It’s about, bleurgh, the election -
5 – Hey, look, The Onion invented Joe The Plumber over a decade ago – Theonion
4 – Are you following hecklerspray on Twitter? Because you should be, and we’re not going to ask you again – Twitter
3 – Songs that sound suspiciously like other songs, with audio – Jamsbio
2 – A Dominoes pizza experiment that’s so perfect we might just cry – Thesneeze
1 – This is what happens if the closest thing you have to social interaction is a computer and a copy of Thriller. All recorded with his mouth – I Am Bored
Yes, you read that correctly – at the Super Bowl, the New York Giants will be replaced with Michael Jackson, who’ll face off against the New England Patriots with just a monkey in a helmet for help.
No, we’re just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday’s Super Bowl – music. But Michael Jackson won’t be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn’t cut it as entertainment any more.
Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that’s not true either – some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.
Due to the rapidly expanding world we live in, there are occasions when we have to get our heads round so called “exciting” terms that are cooked up by balding PR men in their fifties. We’re all enduring the stranglehold of social media which is basically a tool for people to show off an impressive number of virtual friends who they rarely ever speak to in the real world.
To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true. 
