When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.
And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.
Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!
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When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.
It’s pretty much as simple as that.
Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.
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Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.
We officially don’t care.
When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.
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Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.
Simon Cowell has had a threesome.
Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.
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Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.
See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.
And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).
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Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.
Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.
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Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.
It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.
Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?
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Big Brother has always split the UK into two camps: Those that don’t like it and those that don’t watch it. And now that (Channel) Five have gone and bought it, many of us will wearily switch on our sets just to get angry for an hour every night.
And like the Big Brothers that came before it, this one has the usual ragtag of celebrities being linked to it before it airs.
The biggest name attached is Charlie Sheen, who was of interest some months ago because it looked like he was going to kill himself with his own madness. The whole world went on some kind of post-modern suicide watch, egging him on toward death, failing to show the required remorse until he actually joined the choir invisible. Alas, he went and fixed himself and went back to being a boring nobody. However, there is hope. We’ll use Michael Barrymore as our guide.
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