No really, thanks. All Wesley Snipes wanted to you to do was write a heartfelt character reference to stop a judge from sending him to jail for three years on a tax evasion charge, and you ended up jabbering on about how close together your birthdays are. You really are a great big dipshit.

In fact, it’s probably all your fault that Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday. But you’ve only hurt yourself, you know – now that Wesley Snipes is in jail, you can kiss goodbye to any notion you had about making Money Train 2: Money Train In Space before 2011.

Let this be a lesson to all potential tax-dodgers – not filing your taxes is officially 192,292 times more serious than driving into oncoming traffic blasted off your mind on drugs. Because when Nicole Richie did the latter she spent 82 minutes in jail, but now that Wesley Snipes has been convicted of the former he’s been sentenced to three years in jail.

That’s not a total surprise – we learnt that Wesley Snipes could face a three-year jail sentence earlier this month – but in a justice system that usually goes light on celebrities whether they’ve illegally bought some guns or allegedly shot a woman in the face, it’s quite rare for a star to get lumbered with a maximum sentence for anything.

But that’s what happened yesterday – after being found guilty of not filing tax returns for three consecutive years, Wesley Snipes was handed the greatest punishment available to the judge. Nothing – not claiming that the IRS doesn’t properly exist, not begging that his children will go to sleep crying if he went to jail – could stop it. And, as the New York Daily News reports, Wesley Snipes knows exactly why he’s going to jail:

The actor read a statement, apologizing for his “costly mistakes,” but never mentioned taxes. “I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance,” Snipes said.

Hard to disagree with that – statistically, the 1994 Wesley Snipes skydiving crime caper Drop Zone is the most spiritually-motivated movie in the history of cinema.

But, really, if anyone is to blame for Wesley Snipes’ incarceration then it’s Woody bloody Harrelson. Just the other day Wesley Snipes asked Woody to write a character reference to convince the judge to keep him out of jail, and Woody Harrelson ended up scribbling down some half-baked anecdote about how his birthday is quite close to Wesley Snipes’ birthday and the time they both met Goldie Hawn once.

It didn’t work – of course it didn’t work. It was just about the most boneheaded thing that he could have possibly written. But, although he’s a hopeless stoner idiot, Woody Harrelson is a good-natured hopeless stoner idiot and we’re sure he’ll try and make it up to Wesley Snipes somehow. Maybe he’ll just maintain a comforting correspondence throughout Wesley’s sentence – after all, trying to decipher a regular series of formless rambles about absolutely nothing at all will be just the thing to stop Wesley Snipes from losing his mind in jail. Right?

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets 3 years for tax convictions – New York Daily News