THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.

It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?

But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.

Mr. Bulcock is currently in court for sending a series of threatening texts to the 53 year old DJ. A man Bulcock claims he, “admires.”

We can’t really blame Bulcock for sending abusive texts to Westwood, if any of us were forced to listen to a man over half a century old telling us how ‘fly’ that latest ‘snoop joint’ was then we’d probably just start sending torrents of abuse to him too.

However, this isn’t exactly the worst thing Westwood has had to put up with in his life. There was the time he got shot and the time he had to host Pimp My Ride UK, both of which were equally painful. Admittedly though, the latter was only painful to everyone else besides Westwood.

Whilst the Big Dog continues to occupy the house it doesn’t appear as if he’ll be dominating the court (the actual court, not the basketball court) with his mad lyrical skillz anytime soon. However, Bulcock will be back in the courthouse next month to be sentenced.

With Bulcock safely under lock and key we can all rest assured that Tim Westwood will live to offend our ears another day.

It’d be nice if, just once, the big dog would actually just stay in the house.

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At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright.

It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna‘s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.

Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.

Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’

If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.

Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she  said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:

“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.”"

Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.

Our words, not hers.

For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.

Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:

“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”

Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.

Believe what you will.

Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can:

hecklerspray probably has 10 nightmares a night. The most recent one included us stuck in a jail that was entirely made of fish. It was terrifying until the jailer brought us tartar sauce – then it was scrumptious.

The second most recent night terror we had included Julia Roberts riding a Harley straight out of hell. It looked almost identical to those three Meatloaf album covers actually, except in Roberts' one fist she was clenching the spinal columns of what appeared to be 200 babies, and in the other she was leafing through the script for Pretty Woman II: The Moral Dilemma Of A Hooker In Love. Oh, and she was wearing the cutest pink skirt. Other than that the imagery all looked exactly like Meatloaf's albums.

A few Paparazzi recently got closer to our nightmares than we would ever hope to be. Morgan Freeman jumped on their car and started hosing them with a Super Soaker full of that black stuff from a smoker's lung. Wait – no that was our third to last dream. It's always celebrity something or other. What happened to those camera flashers was a fraction less disease-encrusted but equally scary.

They got chased down by an angry arm-waving horn-honking Julia Roberts.

Rarely is physical violence associated with Julia Roberts. Sure, she played the part of Skeletor in that 80's He-Man movie, but that was a real stretch. Seriously, go back and compare the noses – it couldn't not be her. Other than that, aggressive behavior is never associated with the woman. Now, she does want to permanently erase Angelina Jolie from all movies ever, but she'd probably do that with editing software, not her fingers.

With such an overall passive persona it may come as a shock to most of you the woman recently chased down some Paparazzi in her own automobile, and when she caught them she shattered their jaws with the gold brick we heard she always carries with her.

Well that's not quite true – but she did give them a very thorough tongue lashing and a fist threat. E! says:

"In video of the incident, the pretty mad woman, behind the wheel of her biodiesel Mercedes, flags down a paparazzo who had previously been on her tail. After stopping, she lectures the lensman about the appropriateness of staking out a schoolyard. "You know what, you want to take me on? It's a fair fight," Roberts said in an interview airing Monday and Tuesday. "You want to do anything near my children, you're going to have a fucking fist in your face! Metaphorically speaking.""

See? She tacked on the 'metaphorically speaking' part. Good thing too, because that paparazzi was out uncle, and if she puts her fist in his face, she puts it in ours! And you know what we do when we get fists in out faces?

We bleed mostly, so please everyone always just be extra careful around us.

Read More:

Video: Julia Roberts Chases Paparazzi – Associated Press