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This morning

New This Morning Co-Host: Kerry Katona?

by Stuart Heritage

Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t. Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering [...]

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Kerry Katona Slags Off Angelina Jolie, Renders Satire Obsolete

by Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona’s shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest – a moment we thought couldn’t be topped.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Kerry Katona's shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest - a moment we thought couldn't be topped. But there's a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World's Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie. What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that's something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that's because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing "AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!" at nobody in particular that she probably doesn't know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.
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VIDEO: Here’s Kerry Katona Losing Her Mind On Live TV. Eek.

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Britney Spears has grown her hair back and Amy Winehouse has stopped going outside, there just aren’t the harrowing meltdown victims that there used to be.

So thank heavens above that good old Kerry Katona is still around, plugging away with her smoking during pregnancy and her grotty-looking husband and her million kids and her desperate desire for approval and her unwillingness to ever learn anything from any of her mistakes.

This morning Kerry Katona decided to go onto ITV’s This Morning to babble incoherently at Fern Britton. To be fair, that’s probably not what Kerry Katona went on there to do, but since it’s what she ended up doing anyway, we’ll just go with that. Kerry Katona’s behaviour during her interview was so overwhelmingly baffling that it even made host Philip Schofield look concerned, and he used to get paid to sit in a cupboard with a puppet of a rodent for hours at a time, so he should be unshockable.

In fact, Kerry Katona’s endless shambling even raised the alarm bells for her publicist Max Clifford, who’s now telling all and sundry that he’s worried about her ‘health and happiness’. Given that he usually seems to be able to transform each of Kerry Katona’s numerous personal problems into lucrative TV and publishing opportunities, for Clifford to publicly make a point of fretting over her erratic behaviour lately seems to suggest that there’s something seriously wrong with the girl.

Or maybe we’re over-reacting. Maybe Kerry Katona’s berserk This Morning appearance was all just part of a clever new way to subtly reveal the new Iceland advertising slogan – ‘Iceland: Fggzzznuuhspluur Nurhurrr AHWOZZONOLLIDAY Fneur Yerbaztudsz’.

Now that Britney Spears has grown her hair back and Amy Winehouse has stopped going outside, there just aren't the harrowing meltdown victims that there used to be. So thank heavens above that good old Kerry Katona is still around, plugging away with her smoking during pregnancy and her grotty-looking husband and her million kids and her desperate desire for approval and her unwillingness to ever learn anything from any of her mistakes. This morning Kerry Katona decided to go onto ITV's This Morning to babble incoherently at Fern Britton. To be fair, that's probably not what Kerry Katona went on there to do, but since it's what she ended up doing anyway, we'll just go with that. Kerry Katona's behaviour during her interview was so overwhelmingly baffling that it even made host Philip Schofield look concerned, and he used to get paid to sit in a cupboard with a puppet of a rodent for hours at a time, so he should be unshockable. In fact, Kerry Katona's endless shambling even raised the alarm bells for her publicist Max Clifford, who's now telling all and sundry that he's worried about her 'health and happiness'. Given that he usually seems to be able to transform each of Kerry Katona's numerous personal problems into lucrative TV and publishing opportunities, for Clifford to publicly make a point of fretting over her erratic behaviour lately seems to suggest that there's something seriously wrong with the girl. Or maybe we're over-reacting. Maybe Kerry Katona's berserk This Morning appearance was all just part of a clever new way to subtly reveal the new Iceland advertising slogan - 'Iceland: Fggzzznuuhspluur Nurhurrr AHWOZZONOLLIDAY Fneur Yerbaztudsz'.
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Fern Britton: A Big Fat Not Especially Fat Liar

by Stuart Heritage

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton's integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy. Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton's drastic sudden weight-loss wasn't because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she's had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole. Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we're sure she's acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what's good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get 'em, Fern. They'll always be your friends.
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