Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

Ladies and gentleman, a modern day miracle has occurred, Holly Willoughby has been cured of her fear of ghosts, much to the delight of Phillip Schofield’s long dead career.

Willoughby, also affectionately known as the Willobooby, suffered from Spectrophobia (which it turns out is a genuine phobia and not a bad 70s sci fi series) so badly that she was once reduced to tears on the set of This Morning after a segment about ghostly apparitions.

Wooooooooooooo! *rattles chains*

So when the mighty miracle working Speakeman family rolled into town to show off their phobia curing skills Holly thought it might be best to get her phobia of imaginary apparitions cured on company time, because TV is all about the perks.

According to the site we nicked this story from, Willoughby said:

It’s witchcraft, I swear! The only way I can describe it is you almost can’t believe that you don’t have that fear anymore, because your body is so in the habit of making you look for ghostly things or almost testing you… just in case there’s something out there. So you test yourself and put yourself in these frightening situations.

There is something to be said for Holly choosing to tackle her paranormal fears head on, bravery like this is rarely seen nowadays, previously an admission of belief in the paranormal was left to the simple and the insane, as we saw in the cases of Danny, “I believe in UFOs,” Dyer and David, “the Lizard people are out to get me,” Icke respectively.

But we here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder what these frightening situations Willoughby talks about are.

Standing next to Schofield, a man who had his hand up a gopher’s rear end for several years must be a bit off putting, but we’d hardly call it frightening. Does she just stand in the dark looking in a mirror and saying Bloody Mary twice before screaming and hiding under her duvet?

Nah, it must just be having to look at Fearne Cotton so often that she thinks is a frightening situation. It must be like looking into the eyes of Skeletor after a particularly banging Kooks gig.

That’s enough to freak anyone out.

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Never let it be said we are anything but balanced, fair and righteous here at hecklerspray – we will always cover things from every angle available to us.

Which is why we’re now going to talk about the latest TV appearance by Peter Andre, where he gets all boo-hooey and says he’s all about his kids and stuff, and then completely fails to see the connection between apologising for his life in the spotlight then announcing he has a new reality show currently filming.

What a tool.

See? We’re not just mean to Katie Price.

Though she is a giganto-titted monstrosity of Lovecraftian proportions.

Following Jordan’s appearance alongside the slithering mass of matter playing itself off as human (known by many as Piers Morgan), we all secretly hoped this would be the end of things.

In fact, it wasn’t a secret hope at all. We just wanted this parade of monumental stupidity to end before we decided to end ourselves.

Unfortunately, the Australian with an IQ almost equal to that of a glass of water decided he should have his say and – true to the character he’s been portraying to the media – Peter Andre was a big ball of crying, caring, “honest” mess on This Morning.

“Honest” of course, because we have minds of our own and can see straight through any bag of carefully-managed PR “emotion” these celebrity types try to throw our way.

While we’re all for the whole “not talking about Katie Price in a bad way” angle and the whole “she shouldn’t really have gone on about the miscarriage on telly, as that’s a bit private” spiel, we can’t help but think he should have just shut up and cried a bit more at that point.

But bless the Aussie fool, for he doesn’t exactly help himself.

After the line of:

“It’s our fault… I know I’m going to make mistakes. Sharing your life so publicly can be a mistake.”

You would think Peter Andre would then learn to keep schtum and not flap his natterhole about anything else which could possibly harm his case. Well…

In fact, there’s no point in trying to put it any better than it’s already been done – read this sentence by the kids at Digital Spy, take it in and really think about what it says:

Andre added that he is now focusing on his children, his new album and his recently announced reality show, which began filming three weeks ago.

We’ll be honest, it’s not that hard to see what we’re getting at here, but we do know some of our readers struggle with basic literacy.

Peter – you come across like a mentally-deficient puppy, so it’s hard for even hecklerspray to hate you, which is why this comes from our barely-beating, shrivelled and calloused heart: stop the madness, retire from the public eye, get a job in a pub and bring up the kids to avoid this shit.

Though that would mean we’d have less to write about…

We’ve finally reached the end of our interminable search to find Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

What does that mean? It means that in a few weeks’ time, one of the contenders who we’ve profiled will definitely become the new host of This Morning. Unless someone else does. Or Philip Schofield decides to go it alone. Or the entire ITV building topples over and falls into the river. Either way, it won’t affect your life in the slightest so it doesn’t really matter.

Here, then, is the This Morning rundown for Davina McCall…

Davina McCall – Davina McCall is, without a shadow of a doubt, the far and away favourite to end up co-hosting This Morning with Philip Schofield. And the timing couldn’t be better – Big Brother is due to stutter to a close in the next year or so, and when it’s gone that’d just leave Davina with berserk, schizophrenic hair adverts to tide her over. Plus, one of Davina McCall’s first presenting jobs was on This Morning, so in a way it’d be like she was coming home. You know, like a salmon returning home. Right before it dies. The only thing that possibly stands between Davina McCall and the This Morning job is the sensation that watching a woman shout ill-judged questions at startled idiots first thing in the morning might be a bit of a turn-off, no matter how hard Jeremy Kyle has worked to prepare viewers for that beforehand.

Tomorrow: BIG BROTHER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

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Two days left to go on our thorough  – some would say tedious – earch to find the new replacement for Fern Britton on This Morning.

And with two days left, that can only mean that we’re playing with the big boys. You know, the megastars, the presenters who’ve left an indelible mark on the public consciousness, the heroes, the wizards, the globally-recognised celebrities.

So here’s the This Morning rundown for Melanie Sykes. Melanie Sykes. Oh, come on, you know her. You do…

Melanie Sykes – Remember Melanie Sykes? Oh, of course you do – she was the woman from the 1990s who had the face of a model and the voice of a cartoon greyhound breeder. Nobody’s heard much from Melanie Sykes since her show with Des O’Connor got axed a few years ago, but it seems like she’s been training herself up Rocky-style to land the This Morning gig. She’s starting to pop up here and there, making her presence and availability known to anyone who’s watching. And we’d definitely name her as a favourite to host This Morning, if only it wasn’t for the grating suspicion that she’d only be comfortable presenting items about eating tripe and cobbles. Because she’s northern, you see. Northern.

Tomorrow: Davina McCall.

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So, we have some good news and some bad news for you. The first piece of news is that we’re still thumping out these predictions to see who’ll take over from Fern Britton as the host of This Morning.

The other piece of news is that on Friday we’ll replace it with news about Big Brother. Hey, wait a minute, that’s not good news and bad news! That’s bad news and bad news! Oh, how depressing.

Anyway, here are the chances of Myleene Klass being made the new host of This Morning…

Myleene Klass – Now, there’s every reason to expect Myleene Klass to become the new co-host of This Morning, on the basis that it’s a TV show and Myleene Klass seems as if she’s contractually obliged to appear on every single TV show all the poxy time, even if it’s a 30-second-long TV show about how shiny her hair looks when she’s playing the bloody piano. But in reality the chances of Myleene Klass landing the job are tiny – she’s just been named as the host of American I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which could potentially lead to much bigger and better things than spending her weekday mornings discussing septuagenarian incontinence with telephone callers from Eccles. And besides, if Myleene Klass presents This Morning, who’s going to star in every single advert ever made? It just isn’t feasible.

Tomorrow: Melanie Sykes! Woo!

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It’s week two of our hunt to find Fern Britton’s This Morning replacement. Week two, for crying out loud. What are we thinking?

You know, we think we’re wasting our time here. This Morning doesn’t need to replace Fern Britton at all. What This Morning needs to do is bring back Fred Talbot, knock up a scale model of the British isles and let him leap around it describing the weather. That’s when This Morning went south, not when Cackly McLardypants resigned. Oh, why won’t anyone listen to us?

Anyway, here’s the This Morning rundown for Christine Bleakley…

Christine Bleakley – On paper, Christine Bleakley looks like the perfect candidate to be Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning. She’s smiley, young, pretty, able to think on her feet and well-versed in peculiar live TV shows where you’re forced to lurch between fluffy items about kittens and depressing items about home repossession without any discernible buffer. But it doesn’t matter how much ITV offer her, Christine Bleakely won’t take the job at This Morning. And here’s why – there’s no Adrian Chiles. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley share a love so deep, so pure, so – yes – perfect that they can never be separated, not even for a second. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are soulmates, and that’s why neither will ever leave The One Show. They’re definitely not doing it, though. Definitely.

Tomorrow: Someone else!

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Here we are, at the end of the first week of our search for Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

That’s right – we said our first week. There’s more of this coming next week. Really, you shouldn’t thank us. No, no, you’re too kind. And best of all, the ones next week will all be legitimate contenders for the job, so it’ll be even harder to make jokes about them. Fun!

Anyway, here’s our rundown on Coleen Nolan becoming the new This Morning host…

Coleen Nolan – If you ask us, which we suggest you pretend you do, then we’re not sure how great Coleen Nolan would be as Fern Britton’s replacement. And it’s not just because, stripped of her Loose Women companions, we’re unsure of how she’d cope by herself. It’s something more important than that – we’re nervous of Coleen Nolan’s capacity to self-edit. Look, we all know that Fern Britton had a naughty streak that would cause her to giggle for 20 minutes if someone said the word ‘vibrate’ during a chat. But if the same situation happened to Coleen Nolan, she’d giggle for 20 minutes and then blurt out something massively inappropriate at the top of her voice like “I put dildos up my bum!” before clamping her hand over her mouth in horror as everyone else looked on, mortified. On the other hand, if Coleen Nolan became the new This Morning host, Shane Richie would never ever be a guest on the show. And that is a big plus.

Next week – Christine Bleakley!

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Here we are again, churning out possible This Morning replacements for Fern Britton like our lives depended on it. Which they don’t.

Don’t worry, though. This won’t last forever. This time next week, in fact, we’ll be bombarding you with Big Brother profiles and rundowns. And that’s better, isn’t it? Or worse. But definitely one of those two things. Unless it’s exactly the same. Let’s face it, it’ll be exactly the same.

Anyway, will Emma Forbes be the new This Morning host? Let’s jolly well find out, shall we?

Emma Forbes – Wouldn’t it be nice if Emma Forbes became the new co-host of This Morning? After all, she’s worked with Philip Schofield a number of times in the past, most notably on that Saturday morning kid’s show of theirs. And then, once This Morning is presented by Philip Schofield and Emma Forbes, they can then bring in Trevor And Bloody Simon as gardening experts, can’t they? And then have Shane Richie present a wacky gameshow segment in the middle. And have endless worthy phone-in discussions about acne with sad teenage girls from Bromsgrove. And Five Star can be on it too! And it’ll be great, won’t it? It’ll be lots of fun! You tedious, tedious bellends. Stop it. Stop it now.

Tomorrow: Coleen Nolan!

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Why hello there. You’re just in time for the greatest thing you will see all day, provided you have exceptionally low standards.

It’s the next part in our breathtaking ‘Who’s going to take over from Fern Britton as co-host of This Morning?’ rundown. Every day until Big Brother starts, we’ll be profiling a contender to become the new female presenter of ITV’s daytime behemoth This Morning. Unless a new co-host is announced before then, of course. In which case we’re effed.

Still, here’s the rundown for Ulrika Jonsson…

Ulrika Jonsson – We’ll admit it; it’d be nice if Ulrika Jonsson got the This Morning job. No, really, it would. The poor woman’s got several mouths to feed at the moment – with potentially a few more on the way if the male guests don’t keep their dressing room doors locked properly – and she’s still on a high from winning Celebrity Big Brother this year. Obviously, if her journalism is anything to go by, everything Ulrika Jonsson would say on This Morning would be prefaced by “As a mother…” which would get tiresome extremely quickly. But then again it doesn’t really matter because we never watch This Morning anyway. Honestly, it’s all meaningless to us.

Tomorrow: Emma Forbes

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Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t.

Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering who’ll replace Fern Britton as the female host of This Morning. Try not to get too excited.

Anyway, we’re kicking things off with Kerry Katona, so that’s something at least…

Kerry Katona – There’s one very simple reason why Kerry Katona won’t take over Fern Britton’s job on This Morning. No, it’s not because her wayward behaviour would throw the show into catastrophe day after day. And it’s not because the sight of a human car-crash bawling “IYMA TWENNYATEYEEROLE WOMMA!” again and again during an item on cervical smears would put the old people off their elevenses. It’s not even because Kerry Katona hates Philip Schofield and refuses to talk to him. No, it’s because if Kerry Katona presented This Morning, then the studio would be full of the This Morning camera crew, the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew, and the paparazzi taking pictures of the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew. Logistically, it’d be a nightmare.

Tomorrow: Ulrika Jonsson. Steady yourselves.

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Kerry Katona’s shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest – a moment we thought couldn’t be topped.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Both Angelina Jolie and Kerry Katona have come under fire for how they raise their children lately. Angelina Jolie got it in the neck because she recently bought her six-year-old son a knife, on the basis that she had a knife as a child and she didn’t grow up to be anything worse than a self-harming heroin user.

And then there’s Kerry Katona. People are wondering what sort of mother Kerry Katona is for all kinds of reasons, like her refusal to stop smoking or drinking during pregnancy, her recent bankruptcy, her bi-polar disorder, her history of drug use and, most importantly, this mental interview on This Morning yesterday.

The interview has already caused all kinds of responses. Kerry Katona’s husband says that she only looked so confused because she was late taking her anti-psychotic medication, Kerry Katona’s publicist says that he’s increasingly concerned about the state of her health and everyone else has started using the phrase “I’m a 28-year-old woman and I was on holiday in Spain” as an excuse for every single bad thing they’ve ever done.

So, with public scrutiny on Kerry Katona’s skills as a parent more intense than ever before, perhaps it wasn’t the cleverest thing to publish an article where Kerry Katona slags Angelina Jolie off for being a bad mother on the exact same day of her public meltdown. According to Now:

Kerry Katona has hit out at Angelina Jolie over recent reports she took her 7-year-old son Maddox to a knife shop. ‘My daughter Molly is the same age and I would never even think about doing the same,’ Kerry tells OK!. ‘I hate knives. Just because [Angelina's] mum took her to buy daggers when she was 11, it doesn’t mean she has to encourage her own kids.’

OK, to be fair, that’s not exactly what Kerry Katona said. We get the feeling the full quote was more like:

“Mydootor Mol… Mol… Murrrgh… Molly iszasamayjan AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH! AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEHINSPAIN! Imma twennyate yerold womma!”

But it was probably cleaned up a bit for publication.

Anyway, Kerry’s statement was published in OK! magazine, the publication that employs Kerry as a columnist, so actually the tirade against Angelina Jolie could be put down to Kerry Katona doing her job of reflecting on the week’s celebrity news.

Let’s hope that, because of this, Kerry Katona decides to only comment on things that won’t instantly make her look like a messed-up lunatic devoid of any self-awareness from now on. And if that means we don’t get to hear her fascinating insights on ‘Wow, that Muhammad Ali slurs his speech a lot!’ and ‘Is it just me, or does Rhys Ifans look like he stinks of booze?’ then so be it.

Now that Britney Spears has grown her hair back and Amy Winehouse has stopped going outside, there just aren’t the harrowing meltdown victims that there used to be.

So thank heavens above that good old Kerry Katona is still around, plugging away with her smoking during pregnancy and her grotty-looking husband and her million kids and her desperate desire for approval and her unwillingness to ever learn anything from any of her mistakes.

This morning Kerry Katona decided to go onto ITV’s This Morning to babble incoherently at Fern Britton. To be fair, that’s probably not what Kerry Katona went on there to do, but since it’s what she ended up doing anyway, we’ll just go with that. Kerry Katona’s behaviour during her interview was so overwhelmingly baffling that it even made host Philip Schofield look concerned, and he used to get paid to sit in a cupboard with a puppet of a rodent for hours at a time, so he should be unshockable.

In fact, Kerry Katona’s endless shambling even raised the alarm bells for her publicist Max Clifford, who’s now telling all and sundry that he’s worried about her ‘health and happiness’. Given that he usually seems to be able to transform each of Kerry Katona’s numerous personal problems into lucrative TV and publishing opportunities, for Clifford to publicly make a point of fretting over her erratic behaviour lately seems to suggest that there’s something seriously wrong with the girl.

Or maybe we’re over-reacting. Maybe Kerry Katona’s berserk This Morning appearance was all just part of a clever new way to subtly reveal the new Iceland advertising slogan – ‘Iceland: Fggzzznuuhspluur Nurhurrr AHWOZZONOLLIDAY Fneur Yerbaztudsz’.

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.

One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.

However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.

OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:

Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”

The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.

Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.

Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.