Ross Noble has done very well for himself. Not bad considering he’s got the world’s shortest attention span and a penchant for turning the most average of situations on its head into some kind of Dada surrealist statement. With nob jokes.

Noble has been thriving on the stand-up circuit for yonks and we caught up with him to talk about his new DVD ‘Things’, but instead, wandered off into Barbara Windsor fellating with bingo balls, being hit with shoes, slagging off Mock The Week and trying to work out if he’s brave or stupid.

Or both. Our stupid faced editor, Mof Gimmers, went to find out…

Hecklerspray: How are you?

Ross Noble: Good, very well indeed

HS: There’s a joke on your new DVD where you talk about people being pineapple intolerant – do you know what it made me think of? D’you know the Kia Ora adverts, when it says “too orangey for crows”? Did you know that’s actually true?

RN: What?!

HS: Crows are citrus intolerant

RN: *laughs*

HS: So if they drank Kia Ora they’d die

RN: Good lord! Where did you find that fact out? That’s good that!

HS: Pass it off as your own

RN: Yeah, I am, I am! “Crows are citrus intolerant” – which is bad if you think of it, cus, y’know, a scarecrow is just a jumper with straw in it when actually it should be a tray of fruit juice

HS: Anyway. Tours.

RN: I’m in the middle of one as we speak

HS: You’re constantly on fuckin’ tour!

RN: Haha, don’t sound so angry about it!

HS: *laughs*

RN: I’m at the Lowry in Salford at the end of the week.

HS: We’ve seen you at the Opera House in Manchester. It’s good to see you live in full freewheeling mode. Sometimes you see people on TV and they give the impression that they make it up as they go along, but it’s just really well rehearsed.

RN:  Yeah, yeah… y’know telly’s all very well, but it’s a sort of filtered version. Y’know, there’s people who are on telly who are actually shit live but are great on telly, and vice versa

HS: Should we ask for names so you can start some kinda hip-hop beef with someone? Should we start slagging Russel Howard off who’s… in fact no. Let’s just stop there in case he’s your best mate or something.

RN: No no, go on

HS: Well he seems terrible on TV AND live

RN: *cackles* I wasn’t expecting that! He’s not your cup of tea then?

HS: No. He seems like one of those lads in the school yard who compulsively lies in front of people who are genuinely funny. Y’know, he’ll tell an outrageous, see-through lie and then pin it on his granddad or some fictional cousin… from America. Fuck. He’s your best friend isn’t he and this interview is over isn’t it?

RN: No, no.  The thing is, with comedy, over the last few years, it’s gone mental. There was this weird thing where there was just myself and a couple of other people who only worked live and slowly worked our way up… and then all of a sudden there’s been this explosion of comics just been on everything. And all of a sudden and there’s such a massive range of people to see… which is good in a sense. It’s a bit like music… like never before has there been such a spectrum of acts. It was bound to happen. It’s quite an odd thing.

HS: So who do you like then?

RN: Sean Lock is great.

HS: Is he one of those who are really good live but irritating on the telly?

RN: What do you mean?

HS: Well, when he’s on QI, he solely says daft things… which as a comedian, is fine… but you get the impression it’s because he’s afraid to contribute.

RN: It’s a funny one QI. I was asked to do it for years, but always said no. It’s tricky because when I was on, they were surprised that I knew things… however, I don’t even attempt to look clever. I don’t even pretend.

HS: That must be a bit irritating… suppose it comes with the job sometimes. You’ve been doing more TV work of late. Was it a case of not being asked before?

RN: I just kept saying no. And I still don’t really… all I’ve done is Have I Got News For You? And QI.

HS: Not fancy Mock The Week then?

RN: I wouldn’t shit on that programme. There’s a lot of people who appear on that show who I love and would go and see live any day of the week… but Mock The Week… I can’t watch it… it’s everything that I hate about panel shows. It’s just a bunch of people shouting at each other.

HS: And scripted to within an inch of their lives…

RN: That’s exactly my problem with it. On Have I Got News? And QI, you are genuinely improvising… not ‘Let’s turn a wheel to get a random subject… one that just happens to be a subject that’s in the person’s set’. Some of my mates are on it… but… it winds me up. That show to me is everything that is wrong with comedy. It’s just fucking awful. I know it sounds a bit… y’know? But if I think a TV show is shit, I won’t do it. There’s people on telly who can only sell tickets if they do all these shows and I’ve done alright without doing much telly work. You can end up being desperately on telly all the time.

HS: With QI and Have I Got News?, you seem to have gone for shows that swerve that element of comedy’s dick swinging club. You know what I mean? A load of blokes being blokey. Mock The Week seems like that.

RN: That’s why I don’t do it. Shit. I’m ranting.

HS: It’s okay to rant.

RN: I just… I get offered a lot of telly and just don’t take it.

HS: Like Come Dine With Me stand-up Geordie special?

RN: Fuckin’ Weakest Link comedy special… what the fuck?! Fuck off! I’m a stand-up comic!

HS: That said, it would have been funny to see you fry Anne Robinson’s mind…

RN: I must admit, that did appeal to me. However, a mate went on and said that, when you put her down, writers come in, tell her what to say and it all gets edited together. If I accepted all the TV work I was offered, I’d be all over everything in a year…

HS: And we’d get sick of you.

RN: Exactly. You just become one of those people that’s on telly for the sake of it.

HS: So is that why everyone hates Michael McIntyre? Comedians turned on him pretty quickly. Do you think it’s because he’s omnipotent or it’s because he’s not very edgy and seen as regressive for comedy?

RN: I don’t really have a problem with him at all. He does what he does… and… you might as well get angry with Vernon Kaye. Its two completely different things. The thing is, he came through very quickly which always harbours resentment among comedians *laughs* They’ve spent years on the circuit and he goes and gets massive.

It seems that other people’s problem is that, McIntyre didn’t get critical acclaim, didn’t get nominated for any of the awards up in Edinburgh, the critics ignored him… audiences LOVED him… the press didn’t take him seriously and he became massive, which is a great two fingers isn’t it? It’s like, ‘I don’t need your awards’. That’s one thing I like about him and other comics might sneer at him, but actually, he’s had the last laugh. He sells more tickets than anyone else and sells a shit-load of DVDs! Far better to be that than some comic playing to 20 people in a club, because there’s plenty of them knocking around. It’s a bit like the ‘70s where you get a good club comic who ends up doing a gameshow.

HS: McIntyre does Blankety Blank?

RN: Who knows? Where do you go after you get to where he is?

HS: Crap films? Seems like a lot of comedians take a lot of unfunny gigs to break into the movies… then trying their hand eventually at a serious role. Not you, eh?

RN: Are you seeing a recurring theme in my career?

HS: Turning down loads of stuff that’ll make you money in favour of being given pineapples by Mancunians (Note: Watch his new DVD and it’ll make sense).

RN: I know. My wife’s in the next room, crying.

HS: *laughs* Shit! You better be joking! We’re not chortling at your wife’s misery are we?!

RN: No, she’s out trying to get me film work. No, I make a nice living out of touring and DVDs. Anything you do for money and fame is… is kind of pointless. I know that sounds a bit worthy, but ultimately, from my point of view, and I’ve been working in stand-up a long time and I still really enjoy the live environment. I know what I like and the way I pick my career goes it really based on doing things I enjoy.

HS: So you won’t be doing Direct Line adverts with Paul Merton?

RN: I look at it like… I could get a shit load of money for doing an advert, but how much happiness would it bring me? The flipside is that I’ve have to walk on stage with people sniggering “You did that shit advert”. As much as I’d like the enormous amount of free money for what equates to no work… free money’s all well and good but you’d still have people muttering ‘cunt’ when you’re try to buy a Twix.

That said, there’s a place for everything, but if I can tour and put out DVDs and enjoy myself on my terms, then that’s what I’ve always wanted. Then again, you might talk to me in 5 years time in the middle of a massive advertising campaign.

HS: Yeah. I can just see you in one of those Halifax radio adverts.

RN: *laughs uproariously* You’ve hit the nail on the head. Y’know, that advert to me… y’know when you shout at the telly? That’s my cue to shout at the telly.

HS: Wait ‘til you see the new Iceland ones. It’s supposed to look like Moulin Rouge with Jason Donovan in a bad ginger wig with the Can-Can segueing into ‘20th Century Boy’ by T Rex with the fuckin’ Nolans pointing at frozen prawns while wearing suspenders or something. You’ll put your foot through the screen.

RN: I saw an interview with Barbara Windsor and, I’m sorry, if you ever see me in a bingo ad’, put a gun in my mouth and blow the back of my head off.

HS: With teeth that yellow as well? They look like stubbed out fag ends!

RN: I know she’s much loved and all that… but she said ‘They came to me and they were looking for someone a bit like Barbara Windsor, but I was busy in Eastenders, then I wasn’t in Eastenders and they came back and said ‘we’ll make you look like the Queen of Bingo!’ It’ll be a bit of fun…’. A bit of fun?! How can that be fun? She might as well be sucking a cock.

HS: I reckon that would’ve been more palatable. A Caligula themed commercial with bingo balls firing out of people’s orifices.

RN: Or if she was sucking a cock with the numbers written on the balls, something like that.

HS: You’d be alright with that then?

RN: I’d sign up for it!

HS: Then again, Vic Reeves did a bingo advert didn’t he?

RN: Oh shit, yeah. I forgot about that. Well then, if I ever have a particularly messy divorce or an incredibly sick relative…

HS: You’d just end up doing another tour!

RN: I probably would actually. Or do some corporate gigs or something. It is difficult because, as soon as you enter what is effectively showbusiness, the lines kinda blur.

HS: Of course, you charge for DVDs and tickets, so… anyway, speaking of DVDs, why do they bother having chapters on yours? It’s not like you could skip to a new bit of the set and pick it up in the middle of one of your rambling tales is it?

RN: I reckon there’s a lot of stoners who buy my DVDs and they fall asleep half way through and get confused about what they’re watching.

HS: Sometimes your sets make us feel stoned anyway…

RN: *laughs* That’s the best compliment you could give me. The thing with DVDs is that, with me, it’s not just about banging one out in time for Christmas. I think it should be like buying a nice album. I want it to be in a nice box with loads of extras…

HS: The packaging on Fizzy Logic was really nice, all fold-out with holograms… like an old prog LP. You must have a lot of say in what goes into the final product. On the new DVD, ‘Things’, even the piracy warning is written by you.

RN: Is that the one about having sex in churches? I’m dead lucky because I have complete control over what goes out, which is why I sometimes put out 4 discs with loads of stuff. I’ve been asked why I put 6 hours worth of stand-up on one release when I could put out 6 one-hour DVDs over the course of a year and make more money.

HS: You could still put out 4 DVDs from the same tour and only 10% of the material would be the same…

RN: No. On the Randomist one, there’s one joke that’s the same out of 9 hours of material.

HS: Because we’re awful, sneering critic types, we’ve tried to work out what’s improvised and what’s material in your shows.

RN: There’s your first mistake.

HS: Well, if you’re crowd aren’t up for it or not playing along, you must have stuff you can fall back on, right?

RN: So the answer is that you didn’t work it out?

HS: Gave up after 10 minutes.

RN: Well, I change my strategy all the time. The worst thing you can do is try and spot the joins. People get too hung up on it… I came to a realisation that it doesn’t really matter. One reviewer said something like ‘the improv isn’t as good as the material’ and then everything they mentioned was improvised!

HS: Is it brave or stupid going in blind? Or both.

RN: It’s just what I do. It’s just keeping myself interested and enjoying what I do.

HS: And the minute it stops, you’ll be straight on the phone to advertisers?

RN: Got any bingo work?

HS: I suppose you should plug your tour shouldn’t you?

RN: It’s on now.

HS: And finishes?

RN: Finishes in December.

HS: Christmas off. Lovely. And when’s the DVD out?

RN: End of November. 29th I think.

HS: And you’re expecting to sell shit-loads.

RN: Well, as long as it breaks even, that’d be nice because those cardboard boxes we put them in are quite expensive.

HS: Well, I hope it does because you’ve got to keep your wife in expensive shoes so she can throw them at you while you’re sleepwalking.

RN: Exactly. She’s going to be chucking Jimmy Choo’s at me!

HS: You don’t want to be hit by a pair of Nicks.

RN: No.

Ross Noble: Things is out 29th November 2010 and, like he said in the interview, he’s currently on tour. Click here for more details.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Pamela Anderson now gets divorced with such tick-tock regularity that it's become almost reassuring – so when Pamela Anderson tries to work out the differences with her husbands instead of just ditching them, it's a bit weird.

No, it's worse than weird. It's wrong. Although it was reported yesterday that Pamela Anderson was ready to fulfil her duties as an out-of-touch celebrity bimbette by divorcing her most recent husband Rick Salomon after two months of happy marriage, the latest news is that perhaps Pamela Anderson won't get divorced after all. A post on Pamela Anderson's blog that worryingly reads "We're working things out…" has caused suspicions that she's already having second thoughts. So let's hope that Pam comes to her senses and completes her divorce soon, because we're pretty sure that a lasting Pamela Anderson marriage will upset the natural order of things and make the moon fall out of the sky and the seas boil. 

Maybe – just maybe – Pamela Anderson's policy of only marrying men who dick women on the internet wasn't such a hot idea. Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Tommy Lee ended in divorce and Hepatitis, Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Kid Rock ended in divorce and a weird argument about Borat, and now it looks like Pamela Anderson's marriage to sex tape star Rick Salomon is about to end in divorce and – worst of all – non-divorce.

You'll remember that yesterday we reported that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon had filed for divorce after just 73 days of marriage. It must have been a disappointing blow for Rick Salomon – not only had his marriage lasted for a full week less than the time it took Phileas Fogg to travel around the world, but it also meant that he'd miss out on next year's traditional MTV VMA Pamela Anderson husband-fight.

But maybe all that divorce talk was a bit premature. Even though divorce papers have been officially filed and everything's geared up for another routine divorce, Pamela Anderson has shaken things up on her blog by revealing that she is currently trying to talk out her differences with Rick Salomon in an effort to stay married. Pamela's blog – in its entirety – reads:

"We're working things out…"

Now, there's only a chance that this means Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are trying to reconcile their differences. It's equally likely that Pamela Anderson was referring to the difficulty she's having helping her young son with his homework from the book Very Basic Mathematics For Children And Idiots. Or, you know, it could mean that this is just a great big publicity stunt to try and boost sales of her Pamela Anderson Comedy Central Roast DVDs. We just don't know.

However, if these supposed peace talks between Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon fall through, it looks likely that Pamela will make good on her promise to retire from public life completely in five years. And that means she only has five years left to marry and divorce everyone else in the world with a penchant for public nudity. Marcia Cross must be quaking in her pubes.

Read more:

PS – Pamela Anderson