It’s difficult to imagine, but the life of Beth Ditto – who, because we’re such hideously clever dicks at hecklerspray, we will hereafter refer to as Beth Beth – is not just one long procession of standing in the way of Kate Moss, ripping all her clothes off whenever a glance is thrown in her direction, and sitting atop winged horses, helmet-horns glinting in the furious fires of Valhalla, scattering mortals with the power of her demonic screams.

Sometimes she finds room in that busy schedule for kicking back, relaxing, chucking on her neon-pink skintight onesie leisurewear, curling up with a classic of gothic literature, and squeezing her brain tightly until opinions form like diamonds in a bleak mountainside.

And even better, she then tells us about it! She really is the honking gift that just keeps honking, and won’t stop till our ears actually start bleeding!

So, if you’re ready, let’s all sit down to GCSE English with Beth Beth and the NME:

The Gossip front woman – who shot to fame in 2006 thanks to the success of the band’s breakthrough record, Standing in The Way of Control – says that Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray changed her perspective on vanity.

Look at us, Beth Beth. Look at us. We’re literally on the edge of our seats here. There is nothing you could say now that would disappoint. We can’t help but feel we’re on the verge of a major re-examination of Wilde’s only novel, reflected off the lipstick-scrawled, chipped mirror of Riot Grrl politics.

Enlighten us!

“I’d never really thought about the motives of doing things for other people,” she told NME magazine. “You don’t really realise it but you do things to make yourself feel better, not the other person. It’s like a kind of vanity. It really changed the way I thought of charity.”

WHAT?!

OK, let’s all just calm down a moment and take all that in. You can say many things about hecklerspray. You can say we’re mean, we’re snarky, or we’re uneducated screw-ups who haven’t even read The Picture Of Dorian Grey but are pretty sure it’s something about the duality of the human soul and the ultimate destruction of a life lived in guilt-free hedonism, or whatever. You can even say we’re unnaturally obsessed with celebrities making boneheaded and obvious comments in an attempt to make themselves look intelligent and well-read when they should just stick to their natural areas of expertise; for example, squawking like a dying swan while in the background someone has a convulsive fit in the vague direction of a drumkit. But let it not be said that we will not stand up and roundly applaud instances of fierce, original thinking.

And let it not be said that we’re applauding now, cos we’re not.

If you want more pearls of wisdom from the boundless intellect of Beth Beth, you need not wait much longer, as she will soon be releasing an autobiography which, she promises from the bottom of her hard-working heart, will contain “things that seriously shock the crap out of everyone – things that’s going to make people forget about me eating squirrels. Totally eclipse it.” Look forward to the bit about when she got to the end of the Very Hungry Caterpillar and it really made her change the way she thought about how caterpillars turned into butterflies, because you don’t realise it, but caterpillars actually do turn into butterflies. Wow!

Next week on GCSE English With The Stars, Dappy from N-Dubz explains how the sexual politics of Taming Of The Shrew inspires all his lyrics, because he once saw 10 Things I Hate About You and got a boner while watching Julia Stiles. Join us then.

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Before we even start talking about Beth Ditto, let us just point something out to everyone – there is no correct size to be if you’re a human being. Okay? People who make an issue out of their, or anyone else’s weight, is an unrelenting dick. Okay? Okay.

Unrelenting dick, Beth Ditto, continues to see herself as some kind of political activist for people who aren’t thin, hitting out at imagined critics who she assumes are sniggering under their breath at her, taunting her and calling her a big fat twat.

With the spotlight well and truly taken off her band, The Gossip, and now glued into place on stomach, Ditto has howled in anguish about people who assume thin women are automatically healthier.

Most people listen to music and basically decide whether they like it or not. People love Mama Cass’ voice without worrying about her weight or deadness. Same goes for Elvis and Demis Roussos… although, with the latter, only mental people like his music.

And so, our pop stars assume that they need to be more than just performing monkeys, available to dance around for us when we stick a coin in the jukebox. Because they don’t have proper jobs, they hole themselves up, imagining what invented detractors might be saying about them, allowing their own fears to come seeping out of their mouth-holes.

Bono feels guilty for being rich, so parps on about charity. Kanye feels bad that he’s so astonishingly vain, and tweets endlessly about Taylor Swift. And so, Beth Ditto rattles around her house filled with celery and stamps her feet at the imagined accusations of those calling her a whale.

What’s this about celery?

Indeed. Ditto has revealed that she eats healthily, despite being overweight, and that she finds constantly defending her lifestyle ‘tiring’.

Speaking to Fearne Cotton on Radio 1 (which must have been even more tiring), she explained:

“I’m not an unhealthy person and I feel like one of the most tiring parts of being fat and being proud of it is you do a lot of proving yourself all the time.”

“It’s really interesting to me that people will look at a thin person and go, ‘That’s a healthy person’. I want to go, ‘Come open my refrigerator and look and then let’s talk about what you think is so bad’.”

See? Is there honestly a human on Earth who would go up to one of their friends and point at a thin person to discuss how healthy they are? In our experience, womenfolk are more prone to slagging someone off for their dress-sense or for having a partner that is deemed too attractive for them.

She added:

“To be thin and to stay really thin, some people literally do coke all the time. Some people smoke cigarettes instead of eating. That’s crazy. But that’s ‘okay’ because you look healthier.”

Some thin people do coke to stay thin and some fat people eat nothing but shite to stay fat… blah blah blah… yadda yadda yadda.

Do us a favour Beth? Stick to making records. If someone asks you about your weight, punch them in the mouth – especially if it happens to be Fearne Cotton. She’ll still call you ‘legendary’ either way.

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