Oh, we’re so disappointed. The Bond theme for Quantum of Solace has been announced, and it’s not even called Quantum of Solace.

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked – it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” – but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.

With new James Bond film Quantum of Solace set for release in a matter of months, there’s a bit of a rush on behind the scenes at the moment to make sure that it maintains the momentum started by Casino Royale two years ago.

Is it working? Not yet – the trailer for Quantum Of Solace is almost inexplicably bad, as if the producers just listlessly went down a checklist of hoary old James Bond imagery that needed to be included. And then there’s the movie’s title, which still seems like the worst combination of any three words in the English language.

But there’s always the new Bond theme. And, after Amy Winehouse dropped out of the running because she’s basically so effed on drugs that she can barely stand up, let alone think of a word that rhymes with ‘solace’, it’s time to reveal the new performers. Reuters reports:

Alicia Keys and the White Stripes’ Jack White have recorded the theme song to “Quantum of Solace.” The song, “Another Way To Die,” is the first duet in Bond soundtrack history, the studio said in a statement. White wrote and produced the song, and also played drums. The soundtrack to the movie will be released October 28 by Keys’ J Records label.

A duet between Jack White and Alicia Keys? Doing a James Bond theme tune? We can’t say we saw that one coming. But is this new Quantum Of Solace theme tune going to be good or bad? Let’s weight up the pros and cons…

PROS:

*The White Stripes are quite good, as are all the songs where Alicia Keys sounds like she’s having an orgasm halfway through.

*The song that Jack White wrote for his Coca-Cola commercial was similarly quite good – maybe he thrives on these sort of commercial commissions.

*Jack White will play the drums on Another Way To Die, therefore Meg White isn’t playing drums on Another Way To Die, therefore it won’t just go ‘boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH’ like a clockwork monkey and therefore it will be good.

*Even if the new Bond theme is a screaming atonal mess that makes blood squirt out of people’s ears it still won’t be anywhere near as bad as Chris Cornell’s Casino Royale theme tune.

CONS:

*Oh great, another James Bond song with the words ‘die’ and ‘another’ in it.

*Jack White is a big fan of the bagpipes, you know. Nobody wants a bagpipey Bond theme.

*Think of a worse combination of singers than Jack White and Alicia Keys. Cliff Richard and the lead singer from Anal Cunt. That’s literally the only one.

*If Another Way To Die features Alicia Keys, then the video is legally obligated to feature Keys arguing with her criminal boyfriend interspersed with shots of her playing piano in a snow-covered ampitheatre. That’s not very James Bondy, is it? Tsk.

*What does Another Way To Die even mean? Is the song basically going to be a list of unexpected ways that people can lose their lives? “Suffocate up a buffalo’s rectum/ Choke to death on Brian May’s plectrum/ That’s another way to diiiiiiiie!” That sort of thing? Actually, that’s quite ace. We’ve got this in the wrong column. We take it all back.

You heard right – there's a competition to write the theme-tune to the new James Bond.

Relax, nobody wants you to write the theme-tune to new James Bond film A Quantum Of Solace – the least rhymable 007 movie since 1977's The Spy Who Loved Oranges – but the new James Bond book Devil May Care. Interested? Then read what we've just been sent:

Musicians and James Bond fans across Britain have the rare chance to be a part of 007's iconic history as Penguin announces its search for the theme tune to Devil May Care, the eagerly awaited new Bond novel written by Sebastian Faulks. From today visitors to uk.myspace.com/devilmaycarebook have the chance to create an original piece of music for the new Bond book which is published on 28th May, the centenary of Ian Fleming's birth. The winning track will become the book's official theme tune and will be featured on the Devil May Care audio book, published on the same day. This will be the first theme tune to accompany a James Bond book and will later be available as a free digital download.

OK, it's not quite as prestigious as writing the theme-tune to a James Bond film, but this is clearly an opportunity not to be missed; Devil May Care rhymes with everything. Breville-Made Hair, Level-A Bear, Dishevel Day Fair, Bevel Clay Square – see? Everything.

If you do fancy having a pop at this songwriting challenge, remember that your entries have to be in by February 25. And if you could fit in a verse about finding out about the competition on a blog called hecklerspray that can sort of be quite good every now and then, we'll love you forever.

Read more:

Devil May Care MySpace Competition