Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Hey! Citizens of Planet Crud! You know what Kelly Clarkson thinks you should do? Go mug her. That’s right. Find her, and forcibly steal things from her. Why? Well, that’s because being mugged doesn’t compare to the worst kind of violation.

Leaking her songs.

That’s right. The sharing of waveforms, collected together in a shapeless, intangible file, leaked through a painless portal is way worse than lamping her on her famous head while making off with her phone and handbag.

Clarkson has opened up about the harrowing incident where something she’s made was shared with loads of people:

“Oh my God, have you ever been robbed? I have. I’ve been physically robbed a couple of times, but this is much worse”

What’s worse is that these songs may show her in a slightly different light than previously, almost like she’d progressed as an artist but in a way that people would be able to make their own minds up without being patronised by an expensive PR campaign.

“Those songs came out and people are like, ‘Oh my God, what direction is Kelly going?’”

“I think what made me mad was that – one, people stole from me, and two, everybody had no idea what my next album was going to sound like. That really caused a lot of confusion.”

Her album is such a gigantic departure that even Clarkson can’t compute it in her vast mind.

“I don’t even have it, by the way, because I’m so freaked out to put it on my computer”

Jesus H. Christ. Anyone think she might be over-reacting slightly, wailing from her million dollar mansion about the indignity of something that will ultimately make no difference to her life?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

If Peaches Geldof wasn’t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you’d see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.

With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.

Every time she appears in the news, we don’t get to hear of any great deeds she’s done for charity. Instead, she’s either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she’s just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.

ITV2 is the equivalent of BBC3 where programming is commissioned for the respective network, all because it hasn’t quite got the sophisticated factor to be shown on the main channel. While we know that it’s designed to test the waters, the broadcasters labels the respective channels as ‘edgy’, ‘cool’ and ‘youthful’. Or, if you prefer, ‘totally gash’.

At times, we feel that ITV2 is used to give us never ending backstage footage of shows such as Britain’s Got Talent, X-Factor, I’m A Celebrity and Dancing On Ice alongside extended editions with seventeen seconds of extra footage. Occasionally, fresh programs are shown such as the never ending feud between Katie Price, Peter Andre and Alex Reid. But this a bit boring – what we want is something unique, visual representation of something that appears in glossy magazines.

We can only assume that OMG With Peaches Geldof is a programme that the producers aim to shock us with based on the 11pm timeslot that it has been given. Either that or, even before it was screened to the UK population, people involved with the making of the programme recoiled in horror about the monster they’d created.

Back in times gone by, pretty much before people could get their own decent internet connection, we marvelled at shows that showcased people who are open and honest about their weird activities. Kind of like a modern day Victorian freak show. But as websites like YouTube developed, the need to gawp at someone in a studio while a ringleader controls a hyena-like crowd isn’t needed. Peaches Geldof has seen a variety of people waltz on to her show including blood drinkers and older ladies seeking younger men. All making for TV that wouldn’t break the boundaries of a wet paper bag. Moaning as usual, she said of the negative reviews of her show:

“I like the language that people use, it’s fascinating and fabulous. I love to read a shitty review of anyone, including myself.”

We don’t know what’s next for Peaches Geldof, but with the way that higher education has been watered down, we expect that she’ll be lecturing students in how they can become successful at being famous for doing piss-all.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lindsay ‘Lindsay’ Lohan has been pretty busy hasn’t she? Stealing stuff, snorting stuff, necking stuff… but alas, not punching stuff. Nope, it appears that LiLo really didn’t lamp that woman round the head at the Betty Ford Clinic, which in itself, is something of a let-down.

It has been reported that the actress/celebutante/trainwreck won’t be facing criminal charges after the complaint was filed about her attacking an employee at a Betty Ford Center halfway house.

If we’re honest, we can’t imagine that Lohan is much of a fighter anyway. Once upon a time, we could have easily imagined it because she seemed like the ultimate trash pin-up, but these days, she’s kinda feeble and square.

The prosecutors couldn’t dig up enough evidence against Lohan to support charges according to Riverside County District Attorney’s Office spokesman John Hall.

This decision comes on the back of three months worth of investigations. Or, as it will now be known, that time when some people of the law desperately wanted something to transpire from this because a celebrity was involved, but now they’ll have to admit defeat and go back to booking petty criminals who won’t land anyone in the papers.

Hall said, through gritted teeth:

“This was not any higher priority case than anything else. It just went through its normal case as any other misdemeanor battery case would”

Meanwhile, Betty Ford Center staffer Dawn Holland who claimed that Lohan smacked her upside her head, is now left looking like a liar, which must be nice. People will probably tut at her when she’s down the shops now.

Even nicer is that Dawn Holland got sacked by Betty Ford for violating patient confidentiality. So she’ll get tutted at while stood in the welfare cheque queue as well.

So there you have it ambulance chasers! Sometimes, it can come and bite you square on the ass.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

What’s in a name? Is it a moniker that identifies you to your friends, family and colleagues or is it a way of developing and maintaining an international brand based on a recognisable face and a recognisable name to go with it?

Here at hecklerspray, we are constantly confronted by celebrities whose names are the only thing famous about them. Take for example, ‘Jordan’, ‘Jessie J’ or ‘Mof Gimmers’- it’s easy to see how a clever pseudonym can gain you fame and fortune.

Except in the case of the latter, where people hate you.

Step forward then, Lindsay, the new face and name of former disaster site Lindsay Lohan whose publicist appears to believe that dropping her last name will be like casting off the ‘Curse of the Repeat Offences’ which has hung over Lohan like the Goodyear blimp. As far as rehabilitating an image goes, dropping the surname can go a long way. In the wake of their convictions in a drug trafficking racket Cher Lloyd and Prince Naseem-Hamed went on to have hugely successful musical careers.

Unfortunately Lindsay already has a nickname. LiLo which is part of a fashionable Hollywood trend of sickening portmanteau which started with Brangelina and will no doubt end with the bloody double-murder of Biebez. However, for Lohan, dropping the LiLo tag could well be the worst decision ever made. Supposedly she has become the first celebrity portmanteau to make it into the Oxbridge English Dictionary.

Lilo (adj.) – Used to describe the scene of a gory trainwreck in which there were no survivors.

Admittedly, this might not be the exact definition that Lindsay herself would have been looking for but there surely has to be a sense of pride in making it in at all? After all, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Naseem-Hamed has never made it into the dictionary and neither has remarkably more amusing criminal George Michael (although ‘doing a George’ almost became a verb).

Lindsay has a lot to be proud of in her name. Almost all of it fictional.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lindsay Lohan has been threatening to turn into a real bore after knocking drink and drugs on the head and seemingly not stealing some jewels from a shop. She’s wandering into nun territory and we’re not talking about the funny nuns from the movies. We mean proper, boring, pious nuns.

However, fear not! Thankfully, her dad, Michael Lohan is on hand to liven up the party!

That’s right kiddiekins, Lohan Snr was arrested on three felony charges in West Hollywood after a female companion accused him of domestic violence at a nearby apartment, according to the police. As Rodney King will testify, the LA police department are a trustworthy source of information and moral fortitude.

Lohan was booked for inflicting something called a ‘corporal injury on a cohabitant’ as well as the terrifically exciting sounding ‘false imprisonment’ and ‘preventing a report of victimization’, says Lt. John Ratto (who is actually a human-sized rat-man).

Ratto says:

“Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I’m aware of and has been cooperative.”

Booooo! Whatever happened to people flailing the arms and kicking their legs shouting “YEAH? I’M BEING BRUTALIZED! LOOK! AARGH!” when getting arrested? We like those arrests the best when we watch cruddy police camera shows.

Lt. Ratto added that Lohan, while at the station, conveniently recalled that he might have a medical condition or something which may make him act a bit cuckoo.

Michael Lohan’s bail has been set at $200,000 which will be great news for LiLo who needs to go to court this week and decide whether she’ll accept a plea deal with jail time or go to trial in her felony grand theft case.

Happy happy joy joy.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.

It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.

It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.

Peaches was minding her own business, coating her fingers with something sticky, when she was phoned by a store she’d patronised the previous week, Three Amigos, in Camden Town.

We should imagine the conversation went something like this:

*Phone rings… Peaches answers, with sticky fingers that are getting all over the bloody buttons*

Peaches: What?!

Store: Hello, Ms Geldof?

Peaches: Egads, I’m caught… I mean, yes?

Store: Hello. It’s come to our attention that the items of clothing left in our store, since your flying visit, have become covered in something sticky; possibly honey. And it got all over our floor. The floor we’d just mopped!

Peaches: So you want your floor mopped?

Store: No. Well, yes. But we also want back that £70 dress that went missing. Ugh, my fingers are sticking to our phone and my feet to the floor. I’ll have to phone you back. *click*

Pretending that conversation actually took place, we can deduce from our (not) scientific evidence that we… ate most of the honey with breakfast. Yummers.

The Daily Mail addresses the previous accusations that Peaches is a low-rent Lindsay Lohan/ Winona Ryder.

Staff at the Three Amigos store in Camden Town claimed that the garment disappeared after the 22-year-old TV presenter visited last week. One line of inquiry is that the alleged theft is due to a misunderstanding between the shop and Miss Geldof. The claims are the latest in a long line of shoplifting allegations for the socialite – though she has always been exonerated. In March 2008, she was accused of leaving the Victim store near Carnaby Street with a £500 dress she had not paid for. After store staff realised it was missing, they phoned her management firm and Miss Geldof returned to the shop and apologised, saying it had been a ‘simple misunderstanding’.

See, it’s just another ‘misunderstanding’. Those are like buses, right?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

If you were to tear the scalp off a celebrity and then drill your way through the skull, miniaturise yourself and climb into their head then you would find a very strange world indeed.

As renowned (and alleged) wife-beating, (not in any way alleged) mental-case Charlie Sheen has suggested, these people are just wired differently to other more normal human beings.

It’s therefore understandable that they would get drunk, take drugs, beat people, crash their cars, burn their homes to the ground and steal things for no reason other than the fact that the object was there.

Fortunately for the former friend of err… Sam Ronson and Herbie, the courts have looked favourably upon her love of a hedonistic lifestyle and her love of scampish thievery and offered her the once (or several times) in a lifetime opportunity to go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go and do not make Monopoly related gags in a post about American actresses as they look shoe-horned and desperate.

However, it now seems that the star of such films as “I Know Who Killed Me” and  ”Sure, I’ll Get My Freckly Baps Out For Money” has seen another twist in her tumultuous relationship with US law.

It seems that footage of Lohan stealing the necklace that she may or may not have stolen despite video evidence showing the real sequence of events has been sold off by the evil jewellery company who were financially wronged by the impish ginger klepto.

Rumours flying around the small, provincial town of Hollywood state that Kamofie & Company used a broker to peddle the video for $40,000 to some filthy-minded hack who will doubtless crack off a number of knuckle-children over the tape before submitting it to his equally greasy paymasters.

Not that our ideas of Hollywood are skewed by the fact that we’ve never been invited to any film premieres out there. Not even a Lindsay Lohan one.

Speaking of Rehab’s No. 1 fan, she has decided to sue the jewellery store which she pilfered the necklace from for using her image when they don’t own the rights to it. That’s selling CCTV footage of a Tinseltown celebrity stealing a $2,500 necklace and in doing so, breaking the law.

Suddenly ‘America’s Wildest Police Chases’ are freaking out and hiring lawyers from every state in the Union.

It’s just unfortunate for Lindsay that not only is she pictured in a jewellery store stealing expensive jewellery, she’s wearing clothes. Not only that, this short video will no doubt still gross higher than ‘I Know Who Killed Me’.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Good ol’ carwreck Lindsay Lohan has been muttering about how hard done to she’s been, but no-one could hear her because we were all too busy munching peanuts and enjoying the spectacle.

However, if we’d bothered listening instead of hooting our traps (a lesson we hope we never learn from), we would have heard Lohan saying that this whole catburglar thing was one big stitch up.

And it seems like she was right along, leaving her the chance to shout “Nyah nyah ny-nyaaa-naaa! See? I WAS RIGHT! You stupid idiots!” Sadly, we won’t hear that either because we’re still looking at pictures of her skin-tight see-through courtroom dress.

The jewellery store in question… their name escapes us and, besides, we’re not advertising them ’til they give us a giant gold grill for our teeth that says “TEEF” on it in rubies… have sold the surveillance video of her, which does suggest that they’re trying to make a fast buck out of LiLOL.

It has been reported that the shop worked with a broker to hawk the tape around, ignoring their lawyers pleas not to do so.

That shit ruins your credibility in a case in court y’know?

And now, this tape is floating around (don’t bother watching it. You’ll have more fun sitting face down in dirt waiting for grass shoots to grow) and our Lindsay is feeling all vindicated. Vindication is when you sit at home and cup your boobs right while dribbling down your front, right?

Anyway, with this tape doing the round, the public opinion could well change and the prosecution may begin to see things her way.

Or, y’know, they’ll just continue to hope she has lesbian relationships, take drugs and flash her nether regions to photographers.

In fact, the latter is way more interesting. We don’t care about justice on these pages.

JUSTICE IS FOR LOSERS

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lindsay Lohan has the right idea when it comes to showing the world you’ve healed your broken mind. Basically, she wants to show us all that she’s grown as a person and is more spiritually enriched by getting her boobies out for us all to perv over.

Isn’t that incredibly kind of her?

There’s been rumours flying around that she wasn’t just getting her busters out, but rather, she’d be participating in a sex book like the one released in stainless, wipe-clean steel by Madonna many years ago (for the record, hecklerspray has read said Madge book and it is as arousing as a drain pipe).

So what will LiLo’s sex book be like? Made out of the face of that woman who claimed she punched her in rehab? Sadly, the book will be non-existent.

Yes folks, it appears that the whole muttering was a big crock of lie droppings and Lohan has gone as far as calling the whole idea “gross.”

That said, we have seen her in various states of undress with needles appearing to stick out of her arm while getting off with Paris Hilton, so maybe she’s thinking “I’ve already done that, why tread water?” You missed that? Click here.

So, while Lindsay is telling all that she would “never do a sex book”, contrary to the reports noting her signing a multi-million dollar deal to do so, it seems that she will be doing glamour shoots.

Genitals at the ready? Let’s go!

Lohan HAS agreed to a shoot with James Franco and Terry Richardson, but alas, the book is going to be about the “glamour and history” of Hollywood.

Hmm.

This could leave us all half-cock. Rumours suggest that Lindsay will be getting her breasts out with Franco in some of the shots, possibly recreating Marilyn Monroe photos (which she’s already done once) but this all seems a bit of a damp squib after the fun ride we’ve had with Lohan thus far.

While she worries that no-one will hire her again, we’re wondering if we’ll ever get the chance to write about her again. We rather like Trashy LiLo. This replenished CV minded Lohan is about as fun as… well… Sigourney Weaver.

Bad darts.

We can now only hope that, should the American justice system (a notoriously fair and true body of people… ha) decide that Lohan should go to prison for kinda stealing a bit of bling, they’ll give her a fortnight before throwing her behind bars so she can lose the bap on an amazing two week blow-out of drugs, drink, fighting and public acts of lewdery.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lindsay Lohan’s jewellery theft has been, to put it bluntly, a bit of a ball-ache. We’d hoped that our new favourite celebrity would have done something a bit more exotic – like a cat burglar – rather than simply forget to take a necklace off.

Still, she’s absolute trash and we love her for it. We reckon she actually smells of misbehaviour (probably a mixture of perfume, fags and weapons grade plutonium).

That all said, Lohan has come out and said that she would never do something like stealing. Taking drugs, forays into lesbianism, cavorting naked on camera, driving under the influence and generally having the time of her life – yes – but not stealing. Stealing is too scummy even for her, right?

Talking about her court case and that gloriously slutty courtroom dress on twitter, Lindsay lashed out at everyone. Of course, she didn’t ‘lash out’ as such, but y’know, we have to inject some excitement into this story somehow.

“I would never steal, in case people are wondering.”

No-one was really ‘wondering’. It seems everyone was kinda willing to accept the fact she did steal something because that’s more fun than the crushing reality of it.

“In case people are wondering, I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal.”

Michael Lohan is her dad. Just putting it out there. Of course, Lindsay was putting it out there in that skin-tight white dress in court. She had something to say about that as well.

“Also, what i wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it’s just absurd. god bless xox L”

She’s right of course. There’s a whole load of terrible, shit going down all around the world. However, until we become a political blog (which we won’t because we’re too thick to keep up with that particular soap opera with its impenetrable jargon), we’ll keep on chattering about Lindsay Lohan’s boobs and what have you.

One quarter that didn’t want to talk about Lohan, weirdly, was the jewellery shop that Lohan allegedly stole from. Apparently, they told the police that they wanted to keep the incident low-key and they certainly didn’t want to press charges.

According to the document, Kamofie & Company owner Sofia Kaman “was hesitant in making the police report” and that “Kaman stated that she does not want to press charges. She stated that she only wants her necklace returned.”

And now, it’s all out in the open with the police seemingly desperate to make an example of Lohan. That said, it isn’t clear if Kaman is even going to cooperate.

So the news is this: Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t ever steal and the shop in question doesn’t want any fuss and LiLo is going to have to go to court and the store is being harangued into pressing charges. What the shit happened in the middle?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lindsay Lohan is trouble. She’s badly behaved and hecklerspray would quite like to hang around with her for a weekend taking drugs and staring at her boobs. She’s trash and we like trash. Lindsay – call us. Seriously. Or we’ll stalk you.

Anyway, LiLo has pleaded not guilty to the charge of the theft of a $2,500 gold necklace. She received a stern talking to from the judge (which she invariably became slightly aroused by) saying that jail is a very real possibility if she breaks the law again.

And all the while, she accepted this moral outpouring while wearing a see-through white dress that made her look like one of those amazing cocaine bitches from trashy ’80s films. If she’d permed her hair and wore purple blusher, she would have been perfect.

Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz told Lohan:

“If you violate the law I will remand you and set no bail.”

“Look around this room. Everybody else has to follow the law. You’re no different than anyone else. So please, don’t push your luck.”

Please Lindsay – push your luck and see if you can get away with it. You’d make a great fugitive on the run. Much better, more attractive and fun than that Randy Quaid fella.

After her talking-to, the Mean Girls star was taken into custody and formally booked for stealing the necklace, complete with, presumably, a filthily hot mug-shot taken. Bail was set at $40,000, $20,000 for the probation violation, dating back to her 2007 arrest, with another $20,000 for the alleged theft.

Of course, with her being obscenely wealthy, she wrote out a cheque and paid the bail there and then. That must be a wonderful feeling right? When hecklerspray got into trouble with the law, we had to laboriously count out the shrapnel from our change jar.

Lohan isn’t allowed any contact with the shop that is claiming she stole from them. This, presumably, is because they’re the most hapless jewellery store in the whole world as they seemingly let people walk in-and-out of the place without ever buying anything (worth bearing in mind now that Valentine’s Day is coming up).

We say this because, apparently, four days before Lohan allegedly stole the $2,500 necklace, she walked out of the same store with a diamond earring. She hasn’t been charged with that, because the shop didn’t realise that Lohan still had one of the earrings in her lobe as she left and mooched around shopping for the day.

Apparently, while Lohan can be accused of being absent-minded, it is worth pointing out that she left the store after leaving her more expensive earrings on the counter. Sounds to us like this store is run by dithering simpletons.

Anyway, here’s a video of Lindsay looking fabulously slutty in court. Do you think hecklerspray stands a chance of actually having some sexy times with her?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

God bless child actors who grow-up. Badly. Lindsay Lohan is fast becoming the greatest hecklerspray pin-up who ever lived thanks to her mixture of pure, undiluted trash and her complete inability to stay out of trouble.

So, after being a drunk, druggy wreck, she went to rehab and got accused of lamping someone who worked there and now, when the dust was finally settling, she’s looked like she was sailing dangerously close to boring, tepid waters.

And hurray! LiLo got accused of becoming a jewel thief! At least that’s what the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office are saying as they’ve just officially accused her of making off with a “one-of-a-kind” gold necklace.

And now, Lohan is about to renew her season-ticket for the police station as she surrenders herself tomorrow at L.A.’s Airport Courthouse, where she’ll get tutted at and finger wagged while they drawl ‘looks like you might actually get to go to prison now, darlin’. Three years in the slammer if you’re not careful. MWHAHAHA.’

That said, Lohan will be all kinds of confused as sources close to her reckon that she was under the impression that the necklace in question was on a loan.

Her lawyer – the busiest man in Hollywood – issued a statement:

“We vehemently deny these allegations. If charges are filed, we will fight them in court, not in the press.”

Boooooo! Fight them in the press! Go on! All your other business has been conducted via divs like us, so why break this beautiful bond?

Lindsay hasn’t just (allegedly) stolen a necklace. The pilfered items people are muttering about, aside from the $400,000 necklace taken from an Elle Magazine photo shoot include a $12,000 mink coat pinched from a nightclub and a $35,000 Rolex.

Leelilololalalooloo is a busy gal. This charge comes a matter of hours after Lohan did the rounds with her probation officer for her drink-driving case. She’ll be thrilled to learn that Danette Meyers, the prosecutor in that case, is going to be handling the necklace case. She must really love and hate Lohan.

And what do her family think about Lindsay going to prison, where she’ll end up doing weights with Mexican drug dealers in the scorching sun while getting tattoos of cobwebs on her face?

A source says

“No one [in the family] really thinks she’s going to get charged. They believe she didn’t steal the necklace. They think it’s a non-case.”

Uh-oh. At least there’s some positive rumours floating around. Apparently, Lohan is under the impression that she’s in with a shout for a “major character” in Zack Snyder’s Superman rehash.

Hopefully, she’ll be playing that woman who gets sucked into a computer from Superman III.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Forget murder and rape and all that jazz – the worst crime a human being can commit is clearly the crime of stealing two magazines and some batteries from an airport.

And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.

Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.

Bai Ling – star of one episode of Entourage, one episode of Lost, several awful haircuts and all of those websites that collects pictures of celebrity nipple slips – doesn't respond well to rejection, it's fair to say.

In fact, it's probably fair to say that Bai Ling is an emotionally-fraught wreck. You'll remember that after Bai Ling was arrested last month for stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries – total worth: $16.22 – Bai blamed it on the fact that she'd split up with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day and the emotional knock turned her into a mean-ass petty kleptomaniac.

It's a great ploy, blaming your mistakes on the bad things that have happened to you – perhaps next week Bail Ling will say she only made Wild Wild West because a cat pooed on her front lawn once – but that's beside the point, because Bai Ling has been charged with the theft, as the Associated Press reports:

Chinese actress Bai Ling was charged Monday with petty theft and accused of shoplifting a pack of batteries and two Star magazines at Los Angeles International Airport. Bai tried to take $16.22 worth of items, said city attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan. She faces a $250 fine. Her arraignment was scheduled for Wednesday, when Ling could contest the misdemeanor infraction or pay the fine, Mateljan said.

A $250 fine for two magazines and a packet of batteries? That seems a little bit heavy-handed to us. Bai Ling shouldn't let the justice system walk over over her like this. She should fight this charge. Bai Ling should fight! With a bit of nous and a refusal to roll over, Bai Ling could set a precedent and go down in history as the woman who made it OK to steal things because you're a bit sad.

Which, we can all agree, is preferable to going down in history as the woman out of Taxi 3.

Read more:

Bai Ling Charged With Petty Theft - AP