Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.
She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.
And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?
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Hey! Citizens of Planet Crud! You know what Kelly Clarkson thinks you should do? Go mug her. That’s right. Find her, and forcibly steal things from her. Why? Well, that’s because being mugged doesn’t compare to the worst kind of violation.
Leaking her songs.
That’s right. The sharing of waveforms, collected together in a shapeless, intangible file, leaked through a painless portal is way worse than lamping her on her famous head while making off with her phone and handbag.
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If Peaches Geldof wasn’t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you’d see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.
With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.
Every time she appears in the news, we don’t get to hear of any great deeds she’s done for charity. Instead, she’s either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she’s just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.
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Lindsay ‘Lindsay’ Lohan has been pretty busy hasn’t she? Stealing stuff, snorting stuff, necking stuff… but alas, not punching stuff. Nope, it appears that LiLo really didn’t lamp that woman round the head at the Betty Ford Clinic, which in itself, is something of a let-down.
It has been reported that the actress/celebutante/trainwreck won’t be facing criminal charges after the complaint was filed about her attacking an employee at a Betty Ford Center halfway house.
If we’re honest, we can’t imagine that Lohan is much of a fighter anyway. Once upon a time, we could have easily imagined it because she seemed like the ultimate trash pin-up, but these days, she’s kinda feeble and square.
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What’s in a name? Is it a moniker that identifies you to your friends, family and colleagues or is it a way of developing and maintaining an international brand based on a recognisable face and a recognisable name to go with it?
Here at hecklerspray, we are constantly confronted by celebrities whose names are the only thing famous about them. Take for example, ‘Jordan’, ‘Jessie J’ or ‘Mof Gimmers’- it’s easy to see how a clever pseudonym can gain you fame and fortune.
Except in the case of the latter, where people hate you.
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Lindsay Lohan has been threatening to turn into a real bore after knocking drink and drugs on the head and seemingly not stealing some jewels from a shop. She’s wandering into nun territory and we’re not talking about the funny nuns from the movies. We mean proper, boring, pious nuns.
However, fear not! Thankfully, her dad, Michael Lohan is on hand to liven up the party!
That’s right kiddiekins, Lohan Snr was arrested on three felony charges in West Hollywood after a female companion accused him of domestic violence at a nearby apartment, according to the police. As Rodney King will testify, the LA police department are a trustworthy source of information and moral fortitude.
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Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.
It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.
It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.
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If you were to tear the scalp off a celebrity and then drill your way through the skull, miniaturise yourself and climb into their head then you would find a very strange world indeed.
As renowned (and alleged) wife-beating, (not in any way alleged) mental-case Charlie Sheen has suggested, these people are just wired differently to other more normal human beings.
It’s therefore understandable that they would get drunk, take drugs, beat people, crash their cars, burn their homes to the ground and steal things for no reason other than the fact that the object was there.
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