There you have it, folks – the title of the new X-Files movie is The X-Files: I Want To Believe, possibly short for The X-Files: I Want To Believe That You’ll Watch My Stupid Movie.

No, we’re just kidding. But only about the last bit. The movie really is going to be called The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It was made official by the studio on Wednesday and now we’re all stuck with it.

Worst of all, though, The X-Files: I Want To Believe doesn’t even offer the slightest clue about what the story is about. It’s hardly Zack And Miri Make A Porno in terms of descriptive merit, is it? We’ve seen the trailer, so let’s just hope that Chris Carter sees sense, takes our advice and calls it The X-Files: Look! It’s Billy Connolly Running Around In The Snow Looking A Bit Worried! Gosh!

If it gets to Christmas and people are complaining about another box office slump, we already know why. It’s because all films coming out this year have got such shit titles that people will either be too embarrassed to ask cinema staff for them or have too much self respect to give the movies foolish abbreviations like an Australian would.

Seriously. Try saying this out loud: “Two tickets for Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull please.” Do you have any idea of how much of a twat you just sounded? Now try this: “Two tickets for A Quantum Of Solace please.” Urgh. You massive ponce. And don’t think you’ll fare any better if you go and see the new X-Files movie, either.

That’s because, as we may have already said, the new X-Files movie title is The X-Files: I Want To Believe. Which is rubbish. That’s not a title of a scary sci-fi movie – that’s a slogan for an inspirational poster of a little buck-toothed girl in pigtails going all moon-eyed at a rainbow.

But, although it’s about as wishy-washy as a movie title can get without actually being called I See Magic In The Sparkle Of A Child’s Smile, X-Files creator Chris Carter has stuck with it, and now he’s telling us why. E! Online reports:

“It’s a natural title,” Carter told the Associated Press. “It’s a story that involves the difficulties in mediating faith and science. ‘I want to believe.’ It really does suggest Mulder’s struggle with his faith.” Awkward though the title may seem to the casual viewer, the newly announced name should be instantly recognizable to fans of the long-running TV series. “I Want to Believe” was the slogan that graced the UFO poster that hung in the basement office of FBI special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Phew, thank heavens for that – it’s based on a poster slogan. Actually, we hear it was a toss-up between The X-Files: I Want To Believe and The X Files: I Haven’t Had My Coffee Yet, Don’t Make Me Kill You but the first one sounded more the title of an R Kelly song, so they went with that.

But anyway, back to the movie itself. Now that we know the name of the new X-Files movie, we’ve put it together with what we learnt from the X-Files movie trailer and the plot details that Chris Carter had previously let slip and we think we’ve scientifically deduced what the film’s actually going to be about.

It’s going to be about aliens and ginger women and boringness. Mainly boringness.

You can thanks us later.

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X-Files Believes in New Title - E! Online