9 – It’s time to read your new favourite Portuguese-language celebrity blog! – Papelpop

8 - We’ll be delving into this year’s X Factor once we’ve built up a tolerance for it again. In the meantime, here’s this – Watchwithmothers

7 - Let’s play a game. If YOU had to replace the legs of a tortoise with a household item, what would YOU choose? – Best Week Ever

6 - Lady GaGa is injured, which is apparently bad – Amy Grindhouse

5 – KFC decide to invent the burger that will kill us all. Needless to say, we want one – Geekologie

4 - Why booze is excellent for you – Collegecandy

3 – Five genuinely inappropriate videos of kids singing an equally inappropriate song – Mychemicaltoilet

2 - How to make your bathroom look less like a manky old poohole – Domesticsluttery

1 - This is legitimately mindblowing…

Folded

• In the Loop (more creative swearing than you’ll ever need)
• Stewart Lee (for having the stones to allow his recent awful TV show to air at all)
• Vintage ice creams (good old Freaky Feet. Though spot the one that shouldn’t be there)
• Laughing at people attempting to have a picnic in lukewarm sunshine (bet that tin of Frutini is transporting you right to Bondi beach, isn’t it?)
• gamesTM (far, far, far and away the best video games magazine on the market)

Creased:

• This hair (belongs on a man who only ever wears black 501s)
• BBC2 not showing the second season of The Wire straight away (‘in a few weeks’ they say. ‘Mid May’ we’ve heard. When’s season three going out then? Christmas Day?)
• V-Water (the orange one smells like baby piss. Probably tastes like it too, you’ll have to ask around to confirm that)
• Desperate Housewives anti-climax (kill a character somebody might care about why don’t ya?)
• Picturehouse cinemas (full of poncy tossers who think that smiling is only for those without a post-grad education)

Look at you. Are those plimsolls? Actual plimsolls? Are they ironic plimsolls? Or just normal plimsolls?

Are you poor? Or just pretending? Think before you answer, because should they be anything but ironic, and society – cool society, where people like Pixie Geldof and Henry Holland live – will turn its back on you.

It’s a cruel, unforgiving place – society. It dictates that grown adults should peacock about town with their skinny jeans damn-near squashing their balls, and everyone actually seems to like Lady Ga Ga. And Lady Ga Ga is a total cretin, by the way. But they buy her singles with their iTunes for their iPods. They love her. They also like stonewashed jeans.

With survival in mind, here are four things you should at least claim to like, unless you fancy getting completely ostracised by your so-called friends:

1. The Wire

No one honestly likes The Wire. How could they? It’s written by a man whose mind is so complex and crammed with information that it would take a million Rubix Cube experts to figure out what he’s trying to say at any given moment. With most television programmes, you could safely take a five minute phone call without missing out on too much, but should you so much as yawn at the wrong moment, and you’d have to rewatch The Wire from the start. Even so, society dictates that you adore this show, so if you find yourself caught in the middle of a Wire storm, just start nodding and repeating the words “Bubbles” and “Omar” on loop until everyone shuts the hell up.

2. Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse is an intriguing human being, with her angry sailor tatts and drug habit. Her hairstyle can be quite fascinating too. All of which masks the fact that she really is quite atrocious at singing. A cockney guttersnipe by day, when she opens her mouth, she does a high-volume nasal impression of Billie Holiday, which is so forced as to be borderline offensive, like when Jim Davidson decides to do an impression of a West Indian. That said, society thinks that this girl has got the lot, so for Christ’s sake, just agree with them. The alternative would be to have all of your friends hate you.

3. Slumdog Millionaire

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, he wins at the end and gets the girl. And before you start freaking out because you were waiting for the Director’s Cut to come out, take a moment to accept that you already knew that. You knew that because it’s obvious. Really really obvious. Which isn’t a bad thing. Many films have an obvious outcome. No, the thing that makes this so unbearable is that it’s exactly the kind of film that the pipe smoking women who dictate what we should watch build up to such an extent that when you eventually see it you’re expecting a life-changing experience, and yet you leave the cinema feeling just as emotionally crippled as you were when you went in. That’s not fair. Still, pretend to like it, if you know what’s good for you.

For more “observations”, why not visit Interestment.co.uk

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

This week’s right and wrong.

Folded:

• Daniel by Bat for Lashes (a bit Fleetwood Maccy, but who can honestly say that’s a bad thing?)
• Canvas prints (can’t afford real art? Buy pop art prints of famous celebrities and pretend you live in a gift shop)
• Getting a new car (it smells great and doesn’t roll back when parked)
• BBC2 showing The Wire, every weekday, in its entirety (good for them)
• This actress (from a movie that is far funnier than it should be)

Creased:

• Magazine tribute issues (stop reading them. Nobody’s ever going to give a crap enough to do one for you)
• Duffy’s voice on that Diet Coke ad (what is she, like, nine?)
• Getting a new car (it breaks down at the lights and everybody laughs)
• Matt Horne (apparently a right knob end, exhausted or not)
• W. on DVD (Oliver Stone, your career is officially over)

Now sure, if it’s someone like the Baler losing ridiculous amounts of weight (or putting it back on to be Batman), or generally any kind of actor that’s willing to put their body on the line and actually change themselves physically or mentally to help their performance, then fair enough.

But when you’re Charlie Sheen? Come on. You don’t really deserve that much for your acting talent, do you? Sure, you were entertaining in ‘Hot Shots’, but does that mean you should be able to command $825,000 (about £420,000) per episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’, thus making you the highest paid TV actor in the US?

Apparently it does. Colour us confused.

It’s difficult to argue that there’s much genuine talent on show when Charlie takes to the screen on ‘Two and a Half Men’.

Yes, he is capable in his role and can get some laughs from you – though they do tend to be the kind of laughs where you want to immediately gouge your throat out for creating such a sound in the first place, then probably spay yourself – but the fact of the matter is, he isn’t really acting.

Yes folks, Charlie earns what is approaching a million dollars per episode, overall around $20 million a season, playing a man who prefers his life of womanising, lazy luxury to that of a man who actually works hard to earn what he deserves.

He’s being paid a crapload of money to pretend as if he’s actually Charlie Sheen. Which he is. Sometimes there is no justice in this world. Just behind Sheen on the earn-o-meter was William Petersen of ‘CSI’.

Like we said – no justice.

Craig Tomashoff, editor of TV Guide, in which the results of the highest-earner poll were posted, said:

“[Sheen and Petersen] are at the very top of their game and are the best at what they do. You’d expect them to be at the top of the scale.”

Which, frankly, comes across as a load of rubbish. There are far better TV actors out there who deserve far more money for what they do.

Rather than appealing to the lowest common denominator (while at the same time barely even acting), these people push themselves, see what they do as an artform and truly care enough to not make countless spinoffs, specials and other watered-down rubbish that completely devalues the original artistic vision.

Basically, hecklerspray is just annoyed that the cast and crew of The Wire weren’t just given all the money in the world as a thanks for being incredible. That would have been deserved in every way, shape and form.

Oh well, at least Charlie Sheen can spend his vast amounts of cash entertaining us all outside of his televisual work. Thanks, Charlie!

Come on Katherine, grow some sense – you can’t make any comment about anything, ever, without it being jumped on and you made out to look like something of a snob or a twit. Remember the Knocked Up ’sexist’ fiasco? Where it came out that you thought the film was sexist? Then backtracked, claiming your quote was taken out of context?

Then everyone decided you hated the film?

Then everyone decided you were a bit of a mouthy git?

Seriously – the smart money would be on choosing your words more carefully, or just keeping schtum. But you haven’t learned – this time you’ve made it look as if you’re slagging off Grey’s Anatomy, which currently pays the bills. Again, maybe not so smart.

Yes, Katherine Heigl was nominated for an Emmy award at this year’s ceremony, but she’s gone and pulled out. Because apparently she doesn’t think she’s deserving of a trophy this year. #

Actually, that’s quite honourable and honest of her. So why did she have to go and make it sound as if she’s blaming the show for her being undeserving?

“I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention.”

Speaking to the Los Angeles Times, Heigl made it all too clear where she was placing the blame. She wasn’t the one that had been crap over the last year – the show was! It’s all clear now! Possibly noticing that this was one of the least subtle comments belittling one’s own show, Katherine followed up the comment:

“In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”

Ah. Kick the Anatomy when it’s down, why don’t you. Jeez.

We suppose it could be worse – Katherine could be having a go at a show that actually has some good points, and not an overly-emotional, faux-intellectual farce of a television show that preys on the lowest common denominator to keep its viewing figures up. Like, say, if she started on The Wire, then, whoa. That wouldn’t bode well for her.

Consider yourself warned, Heigl.