As we’ve already made abundantly clear on this very day, no-one wants to see myriad bands reforming to remind us of why we thought they were a bit awful in the first place.We thought we’d just get that out of the way to start with.

Secondly, the answer to the question ‘Why do bands reform?’ is never ‘For the music, maaaaaaannnnn.’. It is, invariably, “for the money, maaaaaaannnnn.”

Whether we like it or not, the music industry is a big wheel that keeps on turning, spewing out derivative crap with every clicking cog. That’s not the problem, it really isn’t. There is still good music out there and even some of the launched faeces eventually breaks down into a diamond.

The real problem is that the music industry and the music press makes it very, very easy for bands to reform with the veiled intention of making shedloads of cash while claiming that they’re coming back to fill the void left by a move away from rock n’ roll to twink pop nonsense.

We meant to mention by the way, Pete Townshend of The Who doesn’t think he’s capable of writing hit songs any more. He also regrets ever joining the band in the first place because being ‘typecast’ as a member of The Who has stifled his solo career. The solo career he would never have had a hope of having without The Who. Townshend is so delusional and desperate to stay in the limelight that it comes as little surprise to hear that he and Roger Daltrey (of ‘once in an episode of CSI’ fame) are planning to re-release the classic Who album ‘Quadrophenia’.

Are they content with the millions of dollarpounds that the re-release will draw in? No! Of course they’re not!

They’re also planning to take the album on an over-priced stadium tour where tickets will cost £100, t-shirts will cost £25 and the audience will have to remortgage their homes in order to afford a pint of the stagnant urine which laughably passes for lager at stadium venues.

Yes, that’ll really recapture the old days, won’t it? Fans of The Who, we have nothing against you but don’t fall for all this diluted nonsense which is designed for one thing and one thing only; to get you to part with your cash. These old boys of rock have enough. Keep it in your pockets. Go and stand in a sweaty, packed little venue that you got into for free, drinking real alcohol that you paid £1.50 for and see if you can find a band that you really, really like.

Maybe give them £100. Maybe become their manager. Maybe make them the best damn rock outfit since The Who. It sure beats lining the coffins of the money-hungry reformers.

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So, The Pope has come to Britain to wave at people and talk in Latin, despite the fact no-one speaks Latin anymore. He’s very holy isn’t he? He’s also not very popular with the chattering classes who all like to moan and snipe about the Catholic church’s history of child rape and their unwillingness to help out with the whole HIV thing.

Of course, not one of these people are prepared to do anything about it or we would’ve seen them outside various Catholic churches for years, breaking windows and shouting insults at the clergy inside. Isn’t that right, whingers?

However, that won’t stop us taking cheap shots at ol’ Popey. No chance. We’re so pathetically weak that we’re going to call him a kiddie-fid because we want to be liked… liked by monsters like you. And so, we’ve got a bunch of songs which we’re dedicated to Pope Benedict XVI.

David Bowie – Let’s Dance (listen here)

The Pope probably doesn’t like dancing much, however, the refrain “put on your red shoes and dance the blues” from Let’s Dance should prick his ears up because ol’ Benny has re-introduced several papal garments which had previously fallen into disuse. Most notably, Benedict XVI resumed the use of the traditional red papal shoes, which haven’t been seen since the early pontifications of Pope John Paul II. If you’re wondering, they’re made by Prada. Flash git.

The Byrds/Doobie Brothers ‘Jesus Is Just Alright’ (listen here)

A no brainer. Imagine the Pope, with his cig smoking cardinals, all wigging out in some massive lounge with an ace vintage stereo while some lackey pours ‘the blood of Christ’ for them all to get particularly drunk on the holy spirit with.

The Who – The Kids Are Alright (listen here)

The Pope probably loves this track. ‘Outsiders from The Vatican  keep going on about these abused children, but really, the kids are alright aren’t they? No harm done and all that. What’s that? They’re not? Their lives have been ruined? I really should be listening to The Who’s ‘Uncle Ernie’ instead. Oh dear’.

Elton John – Sorry Seems To be The Hardest Word (listen here)

Of course, old Popey McPoperson could just hold up his hands and say; ‘Listen you lot. Sorry about all that. Let’s get these dirty old buggers arrested and change the way we go about things, okay?’ Alas, sorry seems to be the hardest word for the head of the Catholic church. I bet Jesus Christ Our Lord is hopping mad at all this.

Jimmy Ruffin – What Becomes of The Broken Hearted? (listen here)

In September 1991, Ratzinger suffered a hemorrhagic stroke. In May 2005, the Vatican revealed that he had subsequently suffered another mild stroke. French Cardinal Philippe Barbarin further revealed that since the first stroke, Ratzinger had been suffering from a heart condition as a result of his age, and is currently on medication. So, to answer the question posed by Jimmy Ruffin, the broken hearted become Pope.

George Michael – Faith (listen here)

It’s fair to assume that Pope Benny has faith-a-faith-a-faith, faith-a-faith-a-faith. He probably hasn’t crashed a car into a shop while stoned out of his mind on expensive hashish though. Shame, because there’s a saying about the pope smoking dope isn’t there?

The Spice Girls – 2 Become 1 (listen here)

The Pope could probably do with listening to the line “Be a little bit wiser baby. Get it on, get it on” in this saccharine atrocity.

Madonna – Like A Virgin (listen here)

The Pope hasn’t ever had a fuck. Ever. That’s the whole point of being a Catholic holy man. So really, this song should be called Exactly Like A Virgin. But it isn’t. And if he’s bummed a child, then he’s not even like a virgin. Oh well. We went there. Sorry. We’re lazy.

NWA – Fuck the Police (listen here)

The message from the Vatican is clear. If the police want to look at the records of the sexual abuse of potentially millions of children, then quite frankly, they can fuck off. This is presumably because the Catholic big cheeses are all under the impression that God will punish them in a way no police service could ever hope to. Alas, seeing as God is probably fictional, they’d probably get punished more on a sex-wing in a prison by mental prisoners with tattoos and dead-eyes. That doesn’t appear to be happening though, does it?

Feel free to suggest your own tracks for The Papal visit in the comments or, indeed, tell us that we’re all going to hell or whatever it is happens when you poke fun at an old man in a nice red hat.

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The Super Bowl has seen some controversial moments in the past. Janet Jackson’s boob. Bruce Springstreen’s groin.

Paula Abdul. That sort of thing. But this Sunday, all of that looks set to be blown out of the water when Pete Townshend from The Who will – get ready for this – play some of his most famous songs in front of several thousand adoring fans. The bastard. Let’s burn him!

Alternatively it’ll be when Pete Townshend plays some of his songs and members of Florida child advocacy group Protect Our Children stand outside with some placards moaning about that time that Pete Townsend was arrested and cleared in a child pornography sting. Still, it’s still better than Jackson’s tit again, we suppose.

The Super Bowl doesn’t thrive on controversy, but it should. Without any fuddy-duddies getting their knickers in a twist over things that aren’t really that important, the Super Bowl is just a slightly tedious display of a sport that nobody fully understands interspersed with wildly expensive adverts for beer and a four-song set by Tom Petty. It’s so controversy-averse that it once even censored the Rolling Stones, even though the scariest thing about them is they way that they now resemble a collection of haunted ballsacks.

But that’s all going to change this year. This year’s Super Bowl is going to be the most controversial ever! It’s already controversial because a gay dating website wasn’t allowed to buy advertising space for it, even though an anti-abortion group was. But that’s nothing because, during the Super Bowl half time show on Sunday, a man who was cleared by police of downloading illegal images of child pornography will play some of his songs. Pete Townshend, you’re a monster.

Don’t these Super Bowl people know what they’re dealing with here? Pete Townshend is a man who once had his computer seized by police officers so they could spend four months forensically determining that he’d never downloaded a single picture of child pornography! Behind Blue Eyes? Behind Boys’ Pants, more like! Pete Townshend must be stopped!

At least that’s what a number of a Florida-based family groups are saying. Not having grasped the ‘cleared’ part of the Pete Townshend child pornography story, they’re planning to protest his appearance outside the Miami Sun Life stadium on Sunday. After all, nobody takes flimsy accusations of paedophilia more seriously than tubby, slightly drunk sports fans. NBC Miami reports:

Come Sunday, Townshend and groups like Protect Our Children will be on opposing sides. Townshend will be on stage inside Sun Life Stadium at the halftime show of Super Bowl XLIV and protesters will be outside denouncing The Who’s performance. A group has already started passing out fliers calling Townshend a threat to Miami’s children.

We’re expecting all of this to culminate in a bloody clash between Pete Townshend and the protesters on Sunday. Or, failing that, a bloodless clash. Or, failing that, we’re expecting the protesters to sort of wave their placards around for a bit, get ignored and then go home before Pete Townshend gets to play that song from the TV show about the ginger policeman in a workmanlike fashion for the billionth time. Watch this space.

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Morgan Freeman has had a long and varied career – one minute he can be a dignified black man and the next a dignified black God-figure.

Because of this, Morgan Freeman has become so loved that the American government have decided to step in and honour him at this year’s Kennedy Centre Awards, along with big names such as Barbara Streisand, choreographer Twyla Tharp, a country singer and the members of The Who who haven’t died yet.

Why has Morgan Freeman been chosen for a Kennedy Centre award? Two reasons, really. Firstly Morgan Freeman has left an indelible mark on cinema and has directly influenced American culture. Secondly, by getting caught in a car with a woman that wasn’t his wife, Morgan Freeman has helped invoke the spirit of John F Kennedy better than any other entertainer on the planet.

There is no way that words can possibly do justice to the Kennedy Centre Awards. Since it takes place in Washington before scores of high-ranking politicians, recognition by the Kennedy Centre Awards marks the point in any entertainer’s career when they realise that the hungry rebel inside them has withered and died and been replaced by a podgy establishment figure who’d like nothing more than to jig about for the president whenever they’re told.

More than that, though, the Kennedy Centre Awards provide a chance for the recipients sit and watch while Jessica Simpson murders their best work in front of them and then starts crying as a sort of clever meta-commentary on the ephemeral nature of fame. Truly, it’s very touching.

Anyway, this year’s Kennedy Centre Award winners have just been announced, and they’re certainly a doozy. Rewarded for their contribution to American culture, the winners are:

Morgan Freeman - elderly actor and bad driver. Contribution to American culture – easing white guilt by consistently playing the role of Non-Confrontational Wise Black Man in every film he’s ever made.

Barbara Streisand – singer, actress, world’s oldest Terrahawk. Contribution to American culture – overcharging wildly for concert tickets, the mistaken belief that you’re better than you actually are, providing a brief shelter for Elliot Gould‘s otherwise lonely penis.

Twyla Tharp – Dancer and choreographer who’s name sounds like someone saying “Try the Saab” with a mouthful of socks. Contribution to American culture – invented dancing.

The Who – Literally half-dead British rock band. Contribution to American culture – you know at the beginning of CSI: Miami where David Caruso takes off his sunglasses and delivers a godawful pun based on the crime he’s investigating and then the theme-tune starts and a man goes “YAAAAAAAAAAAeahh!” like he’s just trod on some Lego barefoot? Yeah, that.

George Jones - Unremarkable country singer. Contribution to American culture – Frank Sinatra once said he had “The second best voice in America.” Sadly, at the time he thought the best voice in America belonged to Janine Melnitz, the receptionist in the Ghostbusters films. It was the 1990s, he didn’t know what he was doing.

Well deserved, one and all.