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The View

Star Jones Hates Everyone Who’s Ever Been On The View Ever

by Stuart Heritage

Before Whoopi Goldberg there was Rosie O’Donnell, and before Rosie O’Donnell there was Star Jones – we don’t know who she is, but she sure is angry.

Star Jones used to be a panellist on The View but, from what we’ve gathered, she left the show under a cloud a few years ago because nobody really liked how morbidly chub-faced she was. But some time has passed since Star Jones left The View, enough time for everything to blow over and heal the cracks in her broken heart.

That’s why, over two entire years since she left The View, Star Jones has decided to come forward and describe everyone on the show as ‘hateful’ and make all kinds of froth-mouthed claims about how she was set up. It’s exciting stuff, so just imagine how much more exciting it’d be if we knew or cared who Star Jones actually was.

Before Whoopi Goldberg there was Rosie O'Donnell, and before Rosie O'Donnell there was Star Jones - we don't know who she is, but she sure is angry. Star Jones used to be a panellist on The View but, from what we've gathered, she left the show under a cloud a few years ago because nobody really liked how morbidly chub-faced she was. But some time has passed since Star Jones left The View, enough time for everything to blow over and heal the cracks in her broken heart. That's why, over two entire years since she left The View, Star Jones has decided to come forward and describe everyone on the show as 'hateful' and make all kinds of froth-mouthed claims about how she was set up. It's exciting stuff, so just imagine how much more exciting it'd be if we knew or cared who Star Jones actually was.
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Elisabeth Hasselbeck To Stay As The View’s Offensively Shrill Harpy

by Stuart Heritage

Can you imagine The View without Elisabeth Hasselbeck? It’d just be four women babbling topical abuse over the top of each other and- oh wait.

No, that’s what The View is now. Actually, come to think of it, The View would be pretty much identical regardless of whether Elisabeth Hasselbeck was on it or not. But that’s nobody’s concern any more, because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has pledged her future to The View after a few days of on-screen bickering and off-screen uncertainty.

This is undoubtedly a good thing – Elisabeth Hasselbeck fulfills an important role on The View. No, not as the sole conservative voice on the panel, but as the woman you secretly fancy even though you violently disagree with every single thing she’s ever said in the whole of her life. Who else would fill that role? Whoopi Goldberg? Yeek.

Can you imagine The View without Elisabeth Hasselbeck? It'd just be four women babbling topical abuse over the top of each other and- oh wait. No, that's what The View is now. Actually, come to think of it, The View would be pretty much identical regardless of whether Elisabeth Hasselbeck was on it or not. But that's nobody's concern any more, because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has pledged her future to The View after a few days of on-screen bickering and off-screen uncertainty. This is undoubtedly a good thing - Elisabeth Hasselbeck fulfills an important role on The View. No, not as the sole conservative voice on the panel, but as the woman you secretly fancy even though you violently disagree with every single thing she's ever said in the whole of her life. Who else would fill that role? Whoopi Goldberg? Yeek.
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Is Elisabeth Hasselbeck Going To Strop Off The View?

by Stuart Heritage

The View is a place for women of differing political viewpoints to intelligently discuss the news of the day while squawking around like a gang of clueless ninnies.

And, as such, all political viewpoints must be represented on The View. That’s why Elisabeth Hasselbeck has gained longterm employment on The View as the show’s resident spiteful backwards reactionary fact-ignoring common sense-deprived world-hating Bible-humping bumbling yokel.

But maybe not for much longer. It’s been reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting more and more infuriated with the liberal viewpoints of her co-host Whoopi Goldberg, to the extent that ‘cooling-off meetings’ have been arranged to calm her down. It’s led to speculation that Elisabeth Hasselbeck will soon leave The View, which will be a shame. We were hoping she’d stick around at least until her brain popped.

The View is a place for women of differing political viewpoints to intelligently discuss the news of the day while squawking around like a gang of clueless ninnies. And, as such, all political viewpoints must be represented on The View. That's why Elisabeth Hasselbeck has gained longterm employment on The View as the show's resident spiteful backwards reactionary fact-ignoring common sense-deprived world-hating Bible-humping bumbling yokel. But maybe not for much longer. It's been reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting more and more infuriated with the liberal viewpoints of her co-host Whoopi Goldberg, to the extent that 'cooling-off meetings' have been arranged to calm her down. It's led to speculation that Elisabeth Hasselbeck will soon leave The View, which will be a shame. We were hoping she'd stick around at least until her brain popped.
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Jessica Simpson Still Loves That Guy Who Keeps Trying To Dump Her

by Stuart Heritage

Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don’t really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn’t seem to think so, because she’s slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it’s all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they’ve split up.

Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson isn’t just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because ‘Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She’s Sad And So, So Alone’ is a headline that we’re itching to use, you know.

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Whoopi Goldberg Gets All Weepy About Oscar Snub

by Stuart Heritage

Since this year’s Oscars were made of about 85% retrospective clips, it meant that viewers were forced to watch every last self-congratulatory moment from Oscar history on Sunday.

Except one – thanks to a heartbreaking oversight, Vassilis Fotopoulos’ speech after winning the Best Art Direction Oscar for Zorba The Greek in 1964 was cruelly omitted from the proceedings.

Oh, and everything Whoopi Goldberg ever did. Despite winning an Oscar – and being the Oscars host on four separate occasions between 1994 and 2001 – there was no sign of Whoopi Goldberg anywhere in all the endless montages on Sunday. And that made Whoopi Goldberg cry. On TV. Video after the jump.

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has Baby, Doesn’t Call It Rosie

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Rosie O’Donnell left The View, there’s been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s life – a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won’t stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob.

But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s son – other than that it’s going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years’ time – but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child’s life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say “shut up” or put its fingers in its ears.

Ever since Rosie O'Donnell left The View, there's been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's life - a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won't stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob. But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck's son - other than that it's going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years' time - but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck's new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child's life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say "shut up" or put its fingers in its ears.
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Rosie O’Donnell Back On TV! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Like us, you’ve probably turned on the TV over the last few months and been frustrated at the lack of hulking angry red-faced lesbians spluttering and gasping any time anyone says something they even slightly disagree with.

If that’s the case, well, we don’t want you to get too excited here, but it looks like Rosie O’Donnell is going to be given her own show on MSNBC. It’s early days yet, but rumour has it that Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to bounce back after her high-profile resignation from The View with a daily prime-time TV show where she’ll be in direct competition with Larry King. Nothing’s been confirmed yet, but it’s thought that Rosie O’Donnell has already drawn up a shortlist of potential titles for her show, including I Hate Everything, Outta My Way Assholes and Has Anyone Else Noticed That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn’t Have Her Own Show? She Doesn’t, I Checked.

Like us, you've probably turned on the TV over the last few months and been frustrated at the lack of hulking angry red-faced lesbians spluttering and gasping any time anyone says something they even slightly disagree with. If that's the case, well, we don't want you to get too excited here, but it looks like Rosie O'Donnell is going to be given her own show on MSNBC. It's early days yet, but rumour has it that Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to bounce back after her high-profile resignation from The View with a daily prime-time TV show where she'll be in direct competition with Larry King. Nothing's been confirmed yet, but it's thought that Rosie O'Donnell has already drawn up a shortlist of potential titles for her show, including I Hate Everything, Outta My Way Assholes and Has Anyone Else Noticed That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Have Her Own Show? She Doesn't, I Checked.
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