‘Sorry’ isn’t a word that appears in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dictionary. That’s right, she has her own dictionary.
It’s not a brilliant dictionary, admittedly. The only words in it are ‘gun’, ‘Bush’, ‘USA’ and the entire set of lyrics to Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson. But anyway, Elisabeth Hasselbeck doesn’t say sorry very often. Although that’s probably because she doesn’t make jaw-droppingly insensitive remarks insinuating that women who wear revealing clothes deserve to be stalked very often.
But that’s what Elisabeth Hasselbeck did on Tuesday, claiming that the man who was convicted of secretly filming Erin Andrews through a hotel peephole would have seen just as much and avoided jail by watching her on Dancing With The Stars. And now Elisabeth Hasselbeck has apologised to Erin Andrews in the hope that she’ll seem less of a twonk. She doesn’t, by the way.
Read More >>>
Octomom Nadya Suleman has come in for a lot of stick since giving birth to all those children last year.
And it’s unfair. Just because she convinced a doctor to fill her with so many embryos that throughout her pregnancy you could hear them all screaming in terror like people trapped in a burning skyscraper every time she so much as bent over, it doesn’t mean that Nadya Suleman isn’t normal. And yesterday she appeared on The View to prove how normal she is.
That said, what Nadya Suleman actually did was babble and yelp and squeak and wail and contradict herself several times within the space of the same breath and show everyone what she looks like in swimwear and generally make Whoopi Goldberg pull a face like she was being forced to watch a video of graphic animal cruelty. Job done, then.
Read More >>>
Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?
What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.
That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.
Read More >>>
Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.
Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.
That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.
Read More >>>
Now you might look at that headline, with all its exclamation marks and arbitrary capitalisation, and detect a hint of sarcasm.
But you’re WRONG! This is NEWS! Kate Gosselin has changed her haircut, and it’s probably the most important thing on the entire planet. We’re not exaggerating. Here’s why – until now Kate Gosselin was primarily known for her old haircut; a bizarre mishmash of around 14 other equally horrific haircuts, including the Inverted Mullet, the Peacock Spike-Strip and the Bad Spider-Man Emo Swoop.
But Kate Gosselin’s new haircut means we can all just focus on her questionable parenting skills instead. Huzzah!
Read More >>>
Even though American Idol finished long ago, one question remains. That question is ‘Seriously? No Boundaries? What were they thinking?’
Oh, and the other question is ‘Is Adam Lambert gay?’ It’s still a hot topic of conversation – in fact, internet research shows that when it comes to things that are nobody’s business about a man we’ll never hear about again from a TV show that’s already ended, Adam Lambert’s sexuality is one of the highest-trending subjects.
At least that was before Kara DioGuardi inadvertently told everyone watching The View that Adam Lambert is as gay as can be yesterday. Whoops.
Read More >>>
We don’t know what’s worse – the recession or the thought of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s terrifyingly fertile uterus.
OK, it’s definitely the uterus thing. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is pregnant again. We’ve lost count of how many children Hasselbeck has now, but we think it’s about a million – almost enough to entirely repopulated the planet with billions of tiny shrill indignant right-wing nutsacks.
Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant, putting her stresses down to ‘election fever’. We know the feeling – we once thought we were pregnant, but it was actually just Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s voice giving us tit-ache.
Read More >>>
There’s a saying in these parts: ‘You can take the lady out of The View, but you can’t stop her from screeching about it like a fat lunatic.’
And it’s true, too. Just the other week, Star Jones was screeching about The View like a fat lunatic and we don’t even know who she is. And now it’s the turn of Rosie O’Donnell to do the same, although helpfully since she acts like a fat lunatic most of the time anyway, it’s easier for her.
Rosie O’Donnell has been involved in a spat with the old Skeletor lady from The View because Rosie O’Donnell says everyone on The View hates each other and Skeletor lady says they don’t. But it’s much more interesting than that because… no, wait. It’s not more interesting than that. That’s literally as interesting as this gets. A fat lady has shouted at an old lady. As you were, everyone.
Read More >>>
‘Sorry’ isn’t a word that appears in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dictionary. That’s right, she has her own dictionary. 
