Angelina Jolie has a bit of a reputation. Her vagina, they say, is much like a waterslide on a hot day.

Actors just can’t resist. Billy Bob Thornton couldn’t resist, even though he was engaged to Laura Dern when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Sling Blade. And Brad Pitt couldn’t resist, even though he was married to Jennifer Aniston when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Mr & Mrs Smith. And now Angelina Jolie is about to make a film with Johnny Depp. And Johnny Depp’s girlfriend, it’s fair to say, is absolutely bricking herself.

So much so that she’s reportedly ordered Johnny Depp to leave the film. We can’t help feeling that she’s worrying about nothing, though. Angelina Jolie is a changed woman these days – she won’t have sex with Johnny Depp. She might adopt him, but she won’t have sex with him.

The Tourist – the upcoming Angelina Jolie/ Johnny Depp double-header – seems woefully miscast to us. It’s a thriller about an Interpol agent who sleeps with a tourist to flush out the criminal she’s in pursuit of. And it stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. It just doesn’t make any sense. It’s not a thriller about an Interpol agent who has either a) witnessed a real-life atrocity so moving that she’ll be nominated for an Oscar or b) enjoys strolling around in front of slow-motion explosions wearing nothing but a skintight catsuit, and it’s not about a funny-voiced tourist in a madcap wig.

So both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp seem massively unsuited to The Tourist. But that’s not why Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of starring in it. No, Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of it because his girlfriend Vanessa Paradis is worried that he’ll get sucked into Angelina Jolie’s vagina and never be seen again. The New York Post reports:

Paradis “found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie,” a source close to the project said. “He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”

They’re both more sensible choices of co-star. If Brad Pitt was to film a love scene with Angelina Jolie, the film would undoubtedly become a hit as audiences either tried to dissect the scene to uncover hints of romantic discord or just basically masturbated until their laps ended up looking like a giant Quality Street Strawberry Cream that’d been bludgeoned with a rolling pin. And if Leonardo DiCaprio was to star, then nobody would have to worry about Angelina Jolie sleeping with him. Because, you know, he looks a bit like a great big vole, doesn’t he?

That said, part of us does hope that Johnny Depp fails in his attempt to leave The Tourist. Not because he’ll inevitably end up getting seduced by Angelina Jolie, leading to the highest-profile celebrity break-up of all time, but mainly because we just want to see what sort of silly cartoonish voice he’ll end up giving his character. We heard he’s aiming for a sort of French aardvark with a lisp, mixed with a sort of Esperanto Liberace. Sounds good.

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You know what movie we’d love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs.

And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes.

Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it’s safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie – which we’re expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.

If we were Tom Cruise – which we assume we’re not because we aren’t rich and we don’t need a stepladder to kiss normal-sized girls on the cheek – then we’d be signing up for movies all over the shop at the moment.

Tom’s Nazi movie Valkyrie could go one way or the other – its release date has been ominously shuffled about all over the place, but its trailer does look pretty spiffy – and if it does end up doing a Lions For Lambs, Tom will need to have as many other movies on the go as possible. That way he can still have a career as an actor instead of committing himself fully to being a silly little lunatic who believes in aliens.

And, to his credit, that seems to be what Tom Cruise is doing. He’s already lined up his next film, and the omens look good. It’s The Tourist, a movie about a normal member of the public who’s coerced by a spy to help flush out oh for God’s sake it’s The Man With One Red Shoe isn’t it? Nice one Tom Cruise. What next? A high-remake of The Burbs?

Anyway, let’s not lose hope entirely, because The Tourist sounds like a very highbrow remake of The Man With One Red Shoe, as Tom Cruise’s co-star will be Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron and they’ll be working from a script by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes. Ropeofsilicon reports:

The Tourist, the Bharat Nalluri-directed remake of the 2005 French thriller Anthony Zimmer, is shaping up nicely as Charlize Theron is now in negotiations to join the cast. The flick will feature Theron as a female Interpol agent who uses an American tourist in an attempt to flush out an elusive criminal with whom she once had an affair. Obviously, Cruise is the tourist.

OK, so The Tourist is a thriller. That doesn’t help much. What we need to know is if this is a flashy blockbuster-style thriller, or if it’s a gritty indie-style thriller. Knowing that would really help, because we’ve got a formula to tell whether it’ll be any good or not. For instance:

LOW BUDGET INDIE:

Charlize Theron will disappear into her role, taking on a brave physical transformation for the sake of visceral realism.

Tom Cruise will try to disappear into his role, but still end up looking and acting like Tom Cruise.

BIG BUDGET BLOCKBUSTER

Charlize Theron’s character will be 85% shiny hair to 15% tits and it’ll be revealed that she and Tom Cruise have been lovers throughout history five minutes from the end even though that makes zero sense to any of the rest of the film.

Tom Cruise will spend the entire movie running as fast as he can while pulling a face that makes him look like he’s straining for a poo.

We only hope the producers have taken these calculations into consideration.