Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.
Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.
Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.
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There comes a time in the life of every muscle-bound action movie star when they have to reassess their chosen careers.
The days of making a living resembling a sausage stuffed with knuckles and staring at bad guys with an expression that suggests they are in the middle of a problematic bowel-movement will not last forever.
This time has come for The Rock.
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Derek Thomson is what you’d call an asshole.
As a hard-hitting hockey pro and full-time meathead, Derek (Played by Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) rules his life and family with a massive ego and an extra dose of spite.
What goes around, comes around…
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You know when the Rock played the part of the Scorpion King in that one Mummy movie? You know how he crawled out of hell or something and sat there looking at Brendan Frasier from across the pit of the damned?
You know what he was thinking? He was probably thinking ‘His lips….they’re perfect….’ or something along those lines. We know this because a thought bubble briefly appeared on screen while we were watching at home once. Also this kind of clears up why in his wrestling days his secret move looked so much like he was trying to help an unconscious opponent breathe.
He’s in the Get Smart movie that’s gonna be unrolling on us soon, and in it he has to practically suck the lips right off of Steve Carell. You know what he said about it? He said it was ‘…fantastic.’
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