the risk - HecklerSpray

One Direction Want To Date Their Fans But Probably Not You

November 14th, 2011 By Michael Park

Remember One Direction from last year’s X Factor? Those fresh-faced lads that got all the way to the final by being cheeky, having a lark and bonking Rebecca Ferguson? Yeah, the ones that are a bit like The Risk. How quickly you forget.

They’re looking forward to releasing their new album but, being teenage boys who are still worried about spots, booze and getting their ends away, most of their interviews are turning to dating.

Yes, it turns out that the lads wouldn’t mind dating one of their loyal, insane fanbase.

X Factor Review Week 12: Review Disco Bullous Impetigo

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well ? that's quite enough satire for one day, guys. It's a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we're going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don't you think?

This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven't contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.

And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.

X Factor Kitty Calls One Of The Risk Something Really Racist (‘Vote For Me’ Face)

November 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.

Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!

That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.

X Factor Week 11 Review: The Khaki Horror Bitch Tableau

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Happy Halloween! Lots of love, The X Factor. And boy, what a massively inconvenient (or should we say SPOOKY) set of affairs the week offered up for Saturday Night?s show. These devastating (or should we say GHOULSOME!) happenings came in a threefold sequence throughout last week.

1. Kelly Rowland is for some reason angry and in America.
2. Rhythmix have got sued or something and now have had to change their name to LITTLE MIX which isn't as funny as ?Micheal Barrymore?s Pool Party?, ?Team Logic? or ?Sophie Habibas? but we guess it'll have to do.
3. Some bloke left either The Risk/Nu Vibe and a man from either The Risk/Nu Vibe replaced him. Maybe. We can't be sure, because we don't care.

These are the stone cold FACTS, so get use to it ? because we not entirely convinced we’re in Kansas anymore like we usually are obviously, but instead in the United Kingdom watching the X Factor despite any cognitive differences instead.

The X Factor Week 10 Review: A Million Rocks Songs Later And Here I Am

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

So, what IS rock music? Well guys, “rock” was a musical movement invented by Simon Cowell in the mid-2000s. A genre that was ostensibly about dancing but was in fact a thinly-veiled allusion to sex culminating from 50s blues riffs and a 4/4 beat utilizing a verse chorus form.

To further delve into this cultural phenomenon, please refer to minutes 1.26 to 1.36 of the following?video.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when ?rock music? properly settled in Western culture specifically, but hecklerspray?s investigations have come up with a couple of answers. It could be argued for instance, that the first fleeting moments of the genre came to a head all the way back in 2002, ?with??Sam from Barnsley?s‘ original interpretation of local Wigan barbershop quartet Bon Jovi’s classic love song ?Always? on Pop Idol 2. You may have been confused by it's unique rawr rawr guitarry kind of noises, risqu? use of ?real emotion?, and omitting the g?s on the end of words that usually have g?s at the time. You may still be. So remember all of that, because that may be important later.

X Factor Week 9 Review: You Can’t Hurry Love-Themed 2 Hour X Factor Programmes

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hey guys. The X Factor?s still on. But that's totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.

But as Virginia Woolf once said, ?When Frankie Cocozza had those girl?s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.?

The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we're going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said ?We all live in a yellow submarine?, which isn't technically accurate, and that ?Happiness is a warm gun?, when in fact ? quite hilariously ? happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?

X Factor Week 8 Review: American Weird Stuff in London

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Before we begin, we just want to say one thing. we're sorry. ?No, listen. WE’RE sorry. Remember how you watched The X Factor for 2 and a half hours on Saturday? Well we're going to tell you about that in quite an unnecessary amount of detail now.

And what's more, you're going to like it. Yeah, in a sexually testing sort of way. Yep. Yeah, you're going to feel vulnerable and alone afterwards. No, we don't do cuddles, that's how people get attached. You kind of knew what you got yourself into when you turned on ITV1 on the 20th?of August 2011.

Or when you then subsequently googled ?Kelly Rowland’, followed by ‘The point of anything in the universe at all? with mild curiosity. So, in a way – you deserve what is about to happen to you.

X Factor Week 7 Review, Part 2, 120 Days of Sodom

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Right, you lot ? no messing about. We know that we all like to have a bit of ?fun? every now and then on here, and have a bit of a harmless chuckle at the expense of these poor hard-working musicians, but Sunday?s episode of the X Factor was the most emotionally draining and traumatic piece of television we've ever seen, and now we feel all vulnerable and weird, so let's just get on with it shall we?

Because we don't want to talk about it.

Yes, this is the penultimate show before we hit the lives next week where we find out who’s going to be putting the hip in rohypnol in the fight for that incredibly?irrelevant?record contract, and who is not.

X Factor Week 7, Part 1 – The One With All The Postmodernism At The Judges Houses

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.

Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn?t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.

But, that's the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn't know. As if you didn't Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We?ll sort you out. Come here. It'll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.