The Queen - HecklerSpray

The Awesomeness of Liam Neeson

August 30th, 2012 By Chris Starr

Remember Taken, the movie about the kidnapping of Liam Neeson’s daughter and him struggling to get her back? That was a good movie. Evidently, other people agreed, because somehow they’ve decided to produce a sequel. Taken 2 (or, as I like to call it, ‘Taken Again – Oh Shit How Could I Allow This To Happen Twice To My Family?!?!?!’) will be out shortly in cinemas.

Now, I liked Taken, and in all honesty the Taken 2 trailer looks pretty sweet. So this isn’t going to be one of those posts which sarcastically slags off a Hollywood star. In fact, it’s a celebration of the awesomeness of Liam Neeson. Because he’s one of those actors who you’ve seen in about a million things but don’t realise.

5 Reasons Why Prince Harry is a Complete Embarrassment

August 23rd, 2012 By Chris Starr

Well, he was grown up for five days. I guess that’s all you can ask for really. He is, after all, ginger, spoilt, and unlikely to ever see himself as King. A guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do, and in that case it means letting off steam and making the British Royal Family seem like it’s a college kid at a kegger.

We are of course talking about Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, known to Harry by some and a monumental fuckup to the 70 million people of Britain. You see, we were doing so well this year. We had the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. We held the Olympics. The Paralympics was coming up round the corner. People around the world liked us and respected us! But then ginger Harry had to come and fuck it up, as he always does. Let’s count the ways he’s screwed over the country by being an absolute lad.

Gary Barlow Discovers Incredible Rap Talent In Jamaica: Harry “The Prince” Windsor

March 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Music’s brilliant, isn’t it? Look at the great artists of the last 50 years: Elvis, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Frankie Cocozza, Led Zeppelin, Alexandra Burke, Destiny’s Child, Ray Quinn. What do they all have in common? They were all discovered on TV talent shows.

But now X Factor judge and Take That lyric-meister-general Gary Barlow has taken matters into his own hands and has gone out into the world looking to discover talent for himself. Like a madman!

He’s been visiting Commonwealth countries to record performances for the official “Hurrah, the Queen’s still alive” track he is co-writing with Andrew “The Phantom Menace” Lloyd Webber, which will be played at the Queen’s Quartz Jubilee Concert in June.

The Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Go On Wild Girls’ Night At Fortnum & Mason’s

March 2nd, 2012 By Becca Day-Preston

Bored of sitting on their arses in separate palaces, eating swan pate and beating servants, the Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker Bowles decided to go on a raucous girls? night out at Fortnum & Mason’s, where they ate indestructible biscuits, and Kate practiced her bending down to smile at children skills.

Once inside, away from the cameras, we can only assume that various nubile members of Fortnums staff were forced to strip naked and throw foie gras at each other while the royal wenches laughed and laughed.

All wearing blue jackets to cover their crudely printed ?Windsor Gals ON THA LASH!? t-shirts, they embarked on a short meet and greet where Kate Middleton smiled at literally four or five carefully selected cute children, and Camilla managed to go ten minutes without actually snarling at anyone, which is nice.

Geri Halliwell Confirms Another Terrible Spice Girls Reunion

February 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.

Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.

Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Prince Harry Gets Into A Right Royal Scuffle

December 20th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Being a prince must be one of the best things in the world. It must be almost as good as being Prince. You can literally do anything you want. Life is one long breeze and you can absolutely abuse the power bestowed upon you. All the time. You can probably have people killed.

Sadly, Americans don't have any royalty, so they naturally look towards Britain for their royal kicks. Or the Kardashians. It's a mystery why: gone are the days when the King or Queen took part in a battle. Somehow we can't see Prince Charles plotting genocide in Malta.

These days, those in line to the throne are perceived as everyday common folk who we can all relate to. Kate Middleton for example shuns her royal tiara and instead wears frocks from the highstreet. Third in line to the throne – Prince Harry -? also indulges in an activity we all like to do, drinking booze. Granted, you\’ll never see him in a Wetherspoons, but he will be there to look after his mates if it all kicks off.

Pippa Middleton Knows How To Have A Jolly Good Time At Christmas

November 22nd, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

The Royal family split opinion more than whether psychic Sally can communicate with your dead Uncle Ray. Love them or loathe them, Queen Elizabeth II and her slightly racist husband Phillip won't be going anywhere soon.

Wouldn’t you cling onto your life if you had the cushiest job in the known universe?

Of course, most see the royals as old and stuffy. No-one connected us to them. Then, a new generation arrived in the name of Prince William and Harry who got drunk in nightclubs and actually seemed to have a day job. However, Prince Harry continued his grandfather?s trend of being inappropriate by dressing as a Nazi. Before the royal wedding, Kate was loved by everyone. Magazines praised her style and she was regarded as ?fitter? than Camilla. But on her big day, she was upstaged by her own sister, Pippa ?the arse? Middleton. What’s she up to then?

Johnny Marr Is Right To Say That Use Of Smiths Songs On Adverts Doesn’t Sully Their Memory

November 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

There has been the vague, wet, typical outpouring of mild-ire surrounding an indie band allowing one of their songs to be used in advertising. It’s ‘selling-out’ apparently. And god knows, that’s the worst thing an indie band can be accused of, right?

And of course, there’s a terribly saccharine John Lewis advertisement that’s doing the Christmas rounds this year which features a cover version of The Smiths’ ‘Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want’.

Johnny Marr is at pains to point out that the song featuring in a commercial doesn’t sully the memory of the song at all and The Smiths haven’t sold out, actually. And you know something, he’s right to say that it doesn’t sully the memory of the band.

Johnny Depp Likes Terrible Blues Jams With Keef As Much As Any Other Plodding Loser [VIDEO]

October 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

12 bar blues is a godsend for anyone who can make their way around a fretboard without ever switching their brain on. It enables bloated divs the chance to think that they can show off a little.

LOOK MAW! I DONE LEARNDID THAT GEETAW!

The Rolling Stones’ Keef Richards is a man that’s been hauling his melted ass around the world for nearly 500 years after kneeling at the altar of the blues jam and Johnny Depp has been caught jamming with the stonesman on video, pissing around with the same tired licks you’ve heard at every lousy two-bit music bar and house party.

Oh Gasp! Johnny Depp To Play Eccentric Kook, Or Dr Seuss If You Prefer

October 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Johnny Depp loves playing kooky characters doesn’t he? He’s not like those other actors who do action movies. Oh no. He plays guitar, smokes cigarettes and says having your photo taken is like being raped.

That’s our Johnny!

And now, in a move that will stagger you daft, he’s going to take on the role of children?s author Dr Seuss in a new biopic. That’s not like him is it? How very peculiar. He might even do his Hunter S. Thompson/Jack Sparrow hand wafty thing too. Amazing. What a dreamboat.