Wow. What a year for comedy it’s been. Arguably one of the most successful weekend box office movies of the summer has been The Hangover.

What’s more, there have been guaranteed blockbusters like Land Of The Lost and, um… oh, alright, it hasn’t been much of year for comedy at the weekend box office. Shut up. However, this weekend two comedy heavyweights went up against each other in direct box office competition – Year One and The Proposal. Who won? It’s a secret.

Oh alright, The Proposal did. But only because it was marginally less rubbish than Year One. Shut up.

Of course The Proposal is the weekend box office number one. American audiences love Sandra Bullock. You always know exactly what you’re going to get with Sandra Bullock – a lightly funny story about a woman who doesn’t love a man, then slowly decides that she does love a man, then faces an obstacle which stops her being able to love the man, then overcomes that obstacle and marries the man. Or a shitty film about how evil the internet is. Or a shitty film about an out-of-control boat. Or Premonition, which we still don’t think we understand properly.

But, again, shut up. Let’s pretend that Sandra Bullock only makes romantic comedies, because that makes this summary of The Proposal easier. Oh, forget it. Here’s the US weekend box office top five:

1 - The Proposal (Great! The Proposal is a huge weekend box office success! That means that Sandra Bullock can go back to doing what she does best – stating that she hates making romantic comedies before making a couple of dreadful serious films that nobody likes and nobody watches before sheepishly making another romantic comedy! Hooray!) $34,114,000

2 - The Hangover (The Hangover appears to be this summer’s runaway Wedding Crashers-esque blockbuster comedy. Brilliant! This means that it’s only a matter of time before Ed Helms makes a series of increasingly dreary movies based on his increasingly irritating public persona to diminishing commercial results and Bradley Cooper tries to kill himself before making a movie with Jennifer Anist… oh God, it’s happening already!) $21,336,000

3 - Up (Next year, Pixar’s unique brand of colourful misery continues with Boing!, a movie about a cartoon giraffe slowly dying of septicemia in a Crayola factory) $21,336,000

4 - Year One (Jack Black and Michael Cera make a film where they star as Jack Black and Michael Cera at exactly the point in time where everyone decides that they’d rather shoot themselves in the face than sit through yet another film starring either Jack Black or Michael Cera lazily doing their trademark shtick. Nice timing, guys) $20,200,000

5 - The Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3 (Based on the novel The Taking Of Pelham 3-2-1, where John Travolta attempts to hijack a subway train armed with nothing but a collection of befuddling word association-based riddles and an anthropomorphic dustbin. Note: this joke will only make sense to British readers in their thirties with a good working knowledge of 1980s Saturday teatime ITV gameshows) $11,300,000

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Sandra Bullock is getting deported.

She’s a Canadian you see, and far too many of them are flooding over the border to live off American prosperity. She’s also the nightmare boss of a huge corporation. The kind of she-wolf that you curse from your cubicle and makes you turn in your six-hour slumber.

Margaret Tate (Bullock) is getting deported and her least favourite employee, Andrew Paxton (Ryan Reynolds), is the perfect excuse for her to cling to power. Either Andrew agrees to marry her or he gets his ass fired.

Watch the ill-matched corporate couple and their hijacked marriage as it travels to Alaska to meet the family. Chaos ensues as Margaret and Andrew are forced to display affection and tango on the thin line between love and hate. Neurotic romantic comedy meets the ultimate immigration nightmare.

Few of us can imagine the horror of not being injured in a laughably minor car crash with a 20mph drunkard, but Sandra Bullock is obviously special.

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy lady manoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

If we were Sandra Bullock then a) we’d have locked ourselves in the cellar after the release of Practical Magic and hidden there until we’d been promised that all copies of it had been destroyed, and b) we’d probably investigate local public transport routes a little more thoroughly.

Cars, you see, are a massive problem for Sandra Bullock. If she steps outside her house then a crazy stalker will try to run her husband over in one, and if she actually ever gets to drive one then that’s a recipe for disaster as well.

As you probably know, on Saturday night Sandra Bullock got into a car accident with a drunk woman who almost killed everyone by gently bumping into the side of Sandra Bullock’s car at 20mph.

We can’t help thinking that in many ways Sandra Bullock was asking for it, you know – films of hers include Crash and Speed, and if that isn’t a direct challenge to destiny, then we don’t know what is. Similarly, in the future Sandra Bullock should also be careful of lake houses, nets, demolition men and ya-ya sisterhoods, because they’re all probably out to get her as well.

But that’s beside the point – Sandra Bullock was in quite a lame car crash, but it won’t halt the filming of her new movie The Proposal, according to The Boston Herald:

Producers haven’t hit the brakes on shooting Sandra Bullock’s upcoming comedy “The Proposal” despite the actress’ frightening head-on “Crash” Saturday night in Gloucester with an alleged drunken driver. “She hasn’t been hurt so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t (continue filming),” the flick’s flack, Scott Levine, told the Track yesterday.

We think we speak for everyone here when we say thank heavens for that. It’s been far too long since a girl has guilted us into watching a piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that’s nothing more than a cynical retread of the last piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy at the cinema.

Oh, how we’ve missed paying eight pounds to sit on a sticky cinema seat for a couple of hours watching an oddly-nosed woman grinding through the motions of a role she’s already played about 75 times in the past while we get more and more annoyed because we’ve realised that we could have spent those two hours doing something more productive like helping out in the local community, bettering ourselves through classical literature or staring listlessly at a single patch of carpet and scratching our balls.

So thank heavens. And thank you, alleged drunk driver, for not driving any faster than you did. But most of all, thank you Sandra Bullock for not even getting a tiny bit of bloody whiplash in your stupid neck or anything.

Read more:

Full Speed ahead for Bullock film – BH